nervous
i'm worried about a lot of things. i happen to like lists so i made another one:
worried about...
1.) my friends. i feel like i'm drifting away from my high school friends. i never see u guys anymore. once a month if lucky. i'd like to hang out more but i realize we cant because of differences in lifestyles. its rather depressing. i'm also worried about making new friends. i feel like i forgot how to make friends, since i've been used to my old friends for like forever.
2.) what other people think of me. it's dumb, right? i shouldn't care about what others think of me but i do anyway. its one of the more important things to me in life. i'm afraid since i am flirtatious even with new people i meet then i come off as a slut. do i or don't i appear that way? i don't know. its a constant worry i have but i can't help it. that is my personality and essentially who i am.
2.5) what mike thinks of me. he's this guy i met in one of my classes. i like him a lot but i'm afraid he thinks i'm a loser. when i talk i tend to babble about stuff that no one cares about or makes me look bad. for example, i told him my primary group of friends includes my sister and a 15 year old, i akwardly asked him if he has a gf (stuttering and all) but he doesn't (yessss!), and i told him how me and B cross dressed for halloween and he was hit on by an older man. UGHHH i want to shoot myself in the face. i can't help saying dumb things. he makes me nervous and i dont know what to say. maybe i am a loser. anyway i hope he doesn't know about my loserness because he's super hot and i have the biggest crush on him ever. (i'm sure he knows about it since i am really obvious). he doesn't seem interested in me. i'm going to ask him out anyway.
3.) my grades. i had 2 tests last week. one was on philosophy but i dont think i did as well as i could have. it was directly the morning after my last entry, where i was self-loathing and apathetic to everything and everyone. i also was exhausted from not coming home till 3am. i am stupid for doing that. my other one was astronomy. i hate hate HATE astronomy with a passion and if i would've known that from the beginning i would've definetely dropped it. its hard to focus in that class because the professor is a douche. he's one of those people i don't like for no apparent reason (maybe because he wears ugly clothes and looks like an evil santa) ughhh i cant stand him. well i did study for that exam but i didnt remember anything when the test was in front of me. i know i failed it. the grades are online but i really don't want to look at them now. i am determined to have a good weekend and if i looked now i would be crushed and my weekend would suck a lot.
4.) my major. i am definetely going to major in history. i love it and i can't imagine myself studying anything else with such ardent passion and desire *sigh*. it is the only thing i really get into and i love reading historical documents (lol nerd alert). but the only problem is...what the hell am i going to do with a history degree? i dont want to be a teacher and i'd rather kill myself than work in a museum. i was thinking government jobs? becoming a lawyer? maybe? but what if i don't like that? then what? i am too hard to please with this kind of stuff.
side note: i think i may have a halloween party. it would be the weekend before halloween. i have to convince my mom to let me have another party. hopefully if i have one it will be as good as my birthday party only without all the drama. lol.
p.s. you're all invited...if i have one of course. lol.
worried about...
1.) my friends. i feel like i'm drifting away from my high school friends. i never see u guys anymore. once a month if lucky. i'd like to hang out more but i realize we cant because of differences in lifestyles. its rather depressing. i'm also worried about making new friends. i feel like i forgot how to make friends, since i've been used to my old friends for like forever.
2.) what other people think of me. it's dumb, right? i shouldn't care about what others think of me but i do anyway. its one of the more important things to me in life. i'm afraid since i am flirtatious even with new people i meet then i come off as a slut. do i or don't i appear that way? i don't know. its a constant worry i have but i can't help it. that is my personality and essentially who i am.
2.5) what mike thinks of me. he's this guy i met in one of my classes. i like him a lot but i'm afraid he thinks i'm a loser. when i talk i tend to babble about stuff that no one cares about or makes me look bad. for example, i told him my primary group of friends includes my sister and a 15 year old, i akwardly asked him if he has a gf (stuttering and all) but he doesn't (yessss!), and i told him how me and B cross dressed for halloween and he was hit on by an older man. UGHHH i want to shoot myself in the face. i can't help saying dumb things. he makes me nervous and i dont know what to say. maybe i am a loser. anyway i hope he doesn't know about my loserness because he's super hot and i have the biggest crush on him ever. (i'm sure he knows about it since i am really obvious). he doesn't seem interested in me. i'm going to ask him out anyway.
3.) my grades. i had 2 tests last week. one was on philosophy but i dont think i did as well as i could have. it was directly the morning after my last entry, where i was self-loathing and apathetic to everything and everyone. i also was exhausted from not coming home till 3am. i am stupid for doing that. my other one was astronomy. i hate hate HATE astronomy with a passion and if i would've known that from the beginning i would've definetely dropped it. its hard to focus in that class because the professor is a douche. he's one of those people i don't like for no apparent reason (maybe because he wears ugly clothes and looks like an evil santa) ughhh i cant stand him. well i did study for that exam but i didnt remember anything when the test was in front of me. i know i failed it. the grades are online but i really don't want to look at them now. i am determined to have a good weekend and if i looked now i would be crushed and my weekend would suck a lot.
4.) my major. i am definetely going to major in history. i love it and i can't imagine myself studying anything else with such ardent passion and desire *sigh*. it is the only thing i really get into and i love reading historical documents (lol nerd alert). but the only problem is...what the hell am i going to do with a history degree? i dont want to be a teacher and i'd rather kill myself than work in a museum. i was thinking government jobs? becoming a lawyer? maybe? but what if i don't like that? then what? i am too hard to please with this kind of stuff.
side note: i think i may have a halloween party. it would be the weekend before halloween. i have to convince my mom to let me have another party. hopefully if i have one it will be as good as my birthday party only without all the drama. lol.
p.s. you're all invited...if i have one of course. lol.