Meta Fanfic Halftime Show with Slavegirl Bikinis and Iblis! Mara Mara!
Genre: Meta fanfiction
Secondary genre: Crossover
Fandoms: Monstrous Regiment, Star Wars, Girl Genius, and Gaia Online, with some Real Life thrown in!
Pairings: Blouse/Perks, Maladict/Maladicta, OC/OC/OC/etc, Mal/Alice.
Rating: PG-13, but NSFW! Contains Nuts! Pistachios to be precise! Corporal Vandemar is to be blamed for the Star Wars insanity, Nuala really did write the code, Mushkiller really exists and roleplays with Leanan Maladict Peredhil, and I have somehow managed not to mention the Admiral and Beh!
Other warnings: Sergeant K is a brass stud! For the Horde! Rebel Alliance! Death of Strappi. Lafett's epic death topic. Maladict with no head! Rape of Corellia. Nuala's Burka. Slavegirl bikini under it. Iblis cheats at Sabacc, and that is why Leanan M. Peredhil lost the Coin War. Goddess Corellia Fortuna! Fate stands headless! Maladict's twin lightsabers! Mara Mara! March around the Circle Sea, Rupert Q. Blouse! Wazzer gave me coffee scented shower gel! Polly doesn't spike my coffee, but I have the Malbait Deathstar Cookie recipe now. Nuala is baking them right now. Wish me the blessing of Duchess Corellia as I lay my life down for the Witches again!
Contains Epic Dreadful Vampire Poetry! Kayna Ashkevron is INNOCENT of it, completely! And that shows!
For Lilith Queen and Them Other Witches, part 1.
Because I suck at comments, and Blouse rocks my socks, I write you some... Meta fanfiction.
Rupert Q. Blouse was sitting at his desk. He was sitting crosslegged in his chair, like a tailor on a table, with his notebook propped against his leg.
He had a pen in his hand. It was a swan's feather, but ink stains made it look like it came from a splotchy mutated giant raven such as only an Igor could sew together.
On the desk, there was an ink bottle, and on the green sage leather desktop, there were a sequence of ink stains, like soldier ants marching in a line, some carrying big loot, all headed for the notebook.
Blouse was not writing in the notebook. On the desk, a large leather-backed grimoire lay open. It was General Tacticus Q. Froc's Rules and Regulations, the Annotated File. It had been a course book in his Academy, and in all Borogravian military academies, for the past 150 years. Tacticus Q. Froc was one of President Froc's ancestors. And President Froc, of course, was Jackrum's Little Mildred.
Thanks to Maladict's talents in dreadful vampire poetry, there was a marching song now, called Jack and Jill. Everyone knew who it was about.
Jack and Jill
Ran up the Hill
To fetch a pail of water!
One, two, many, lots!
Jill fell down
And broke her crown
On vinegar and brown paper!
Jack ran home
All alone
And told the Dame Dob, hurry!
Death is eating curry!
Dame Dob came
She's still the same
Kristoffer Clogston's mother!
But don't ask about an Other!
Don't ask don't tell
If all goes well
we'll march to Hell!
One, two, many, lots!
Everybody salutes Perks!
R. Q. Blouse
Has a mouse
He feeds it cheese
It lives in fleece
Of a glove
One, two, many, lots!
Sky above!
Was painted bloody!
Vamp is moody!
Strappi stole the coffee!
Strappi's head
Is off and dead
Barmaid's saber
Glows like paper!
One, two, many, lots!
Maladict salutes!
And puts his head back on!
And Ozzer Perks
Turns off the jerks
Who called her Perky
Corporal, mercy!
One, two, many, lots!
Jade of Valentine
Throw me a stone!
Blow me a bone!
Jade of Valentine, Mara Mara!
Goddess Corellia Fortuna!
March a belt
Cinch her waist
Mara Mara!
Corellia Fortuna!
One Two Many Lots!
Maladict Jade!
Ozzer Perks!
Ozzer Green!
Carborundum Lara!
Corporal Mushkiller, you salute now, you horrible little man!
Perks will be your sergeant, and you will be his little lad, and she will look after you!
Mara Mara!
Goddess Corellia Fortuna!
One, two, many, lots!
If you call her Perky
Your head will be made into jerky!
One two many lots!
Mara Mara!
Goddess Corellia Fortuna!
The Ozzer Green Officer's Club
General Lara Valentine reporting for duty, Sarge! What are your orders?
Whoop-dee-doo!
What have we done, guys?
Jedi Knight!
Goddess Corellia have mercy!
Mara Mara Mara Mara!
Jade Jade Jade Jade!
One, two, Many, lots!
Demonica Maladicta Absinthe Jade Perks Attomon Landosson Pollysson Marajillsson!
Dominica Erzébet Valeriana Jade Perks Attomon Landosdaughter Pollysdaughter Marajillsdaughter!
Corellia Jade!
Clover Jade!
Lara Jade!
valentin Jade!
Three sets of test tube twins!
Mara Mara
Jade Jade
Caffeine Caffeine
Goddess Corellia have Mercy on us!
Sith Lord Maladict
Meets Corellian Padawan Maladict!
Sabers Cross!
Now who's boss!
Lord defeated!
Mara Mara!
Fortuna smiles!
Goddess Corellia has mercy!
One, Two, Many, Lots!
Maladict/Maladicta!
Absinthe and Valeriana!
OTP!
Twins!
Your Mal is caffeinated!
Your Perks drinks Heterodyne chocolate!
It has valerian!
It has cinnamon and ginger
Cardamom and pepper
Pimpernel and Ani-seed!
Eucalyptys and licorice!
Quark and coconut milk and cream!
Your Perks lost her milk again!
No use crying, Corporal!
You'll have yours black!
Mara Mara
Lara Valentine Reporting for duty!
One, two, many, lots!
And Iblis is the Idiot,
may Patrick Kirkpatrick be forever cursed,
As long as I live
I shall not look at a slavegirl bikini
Without imagining my cavalry saber cutting it in half
Mara Mara!
She kissed Corellia's icon!
Mara Mara!
She marched for three years!
Oliver Perks!
Strong Josef is strong!
And she put her feet on the table,
and her boots had no soles on them,
And her feet were like shoe leather,
and she said,
what does a soldier have to do to get a drink in this hellhole?
Kneck Keep!
Mara Mara!
She stole Corellia Fortuna!
Grand Master's flagship!
Gifted the Army
A starship HQ!
One, two, many, lots!
Off comes the Sabacc table!
Iblis has game over!
Mara Mara!
Ozzer Green, speeder King!
100 dead pilots!
And 19 dead Sith!
Mara Mara!
Jade Family Secrets!
Fourleafclover!
Sweet Polly Honey!
Caffeine race!
Skin of ebony!
Marajill Jade!
Mother of Legion!
Flashsides from Nam!
Mara Mara!
One, two, many, lots...
It went on for pages and pages, and it was, like all of Mal's poems, an earworm (Clogston's word). Once you heard it, your brain was infected.
And the marching song ended, of course, with:
New Jedi Order of Corellian Army!
Mara Mara Mara Mara!
Wind's Twelve Quarters!
The Sith Lord Maladict
And the Apprentice Maladict
And two hands ten fingers!
Mara Mara Jade Jade!
Nomi Sunrider's four braids!
Kahvi daughter of the Maladicts.
Ma'akodhaan stole Azeiel's cookies!
And Perks ate them!
And Lara Valentine,
Don't ask don't tell!
Iblis is the Idiot!
Path of the Addict!
Mara Mara!
Ran out of many, lots!
And no one except Maladict knew what any of the words meant after Jade of Valentine. It was assumed to be code, but in fact it was just Mal's fantasy world, populated by people called Caffeines and Sith and humans. Caffeines were black-skinned black ribboners. Sith were traditional vampires. Everyone had magic flame swords, and ships that flew between stars. And the Lady reigned supreme, and Fate was dead.
Mal had had way too much fun making up the lyrics.
Most soldiers only remembered them up to:
If you call her Perky
Your head will be made into jerky!
One two many lots!
Mara Mara!
Goddess Corellia Fortuna!
The Ozzer Green Officer's Club
General Lara Valentine reporting for duty, Sarge! What are your orders?
Whoop-dee-doo!
What have we done, guys?
Jedi Knight!
Goddess Corellia have mercy!
Mara Mara Mara Mara!
Jade Jade Jade Jade!
One, two, Many, lots!
And the General Lara valentine line was always sung solo by the reediest-voiced girl or boy in the group, or the one with the worst tobacco cough. Privates told their own versions of the Mara Mara song's code, each night, around campfires. Most people agreed that it meant
1) Perks was still spiking Maladict's coffee with vodka
2) Maladict was Beyond Redemption and Insane
3) Alice Goom came up with the code
4) Maladict had fantasies about himself making love to a girl version of himself
5) Maladict had a twins fetish
6) Jade the troll was the core of some super secret attack plan
7) There was a secret Cult of a goddess called Corellia, led by Alice Goom
8) The cult planned to bomb Zlobenia by using a Sourcerer who was called Lara Valentine
9) Ozzer Perks had marched around the entire Circle Sea once, for a bet
10) Ozzer Perks was Sourcerer Lara Valentine
11) Ozzer Perks was really a man, who dressed as a woman, and who was the eighth son of an eighth son of an eighth son.
12) None of the Perks brothers were known because they'd all died in the wars, except Paul and Ozzer.
13) If you went to the Duchess you saw a line of 8, 8, and 6 Mothers of Borogravia medals on the wall. This was true, but they were medals from everyone in the village of Munz.
14) Betty and Paul had had three sets of twins
15) Ozzer Perks was an Unseen University HEX experiment.
16) Ozzer Perks had been built by Igors, from pieces of dead people, and her brain was that of Tacticus Q. Blouse.
Somehow, and this always puzzled Blouse, people also said that the song proved Commander Wrigglesworth had no tonker.
And now, Blouse was using the dreadful Mara Mara Vampire earworm lyrics to write a code of his own.
And so far he had as follows:
Goddess Corellia Fortuna
Kisses Lord valentine back
At the Jedi Ship
Corellia is the Speeder King
Lord Valentine has sworn the oath
He is Lieutenant Valentine
And Fortuna is his batman
For ever and always, Mara Mara
Batman! Maladict be damned!
He knows it all, I know he knows!
But how shall Lt. V get his kiss?
Fight the Sith!
Fight the Zlobs!
Fight everybody, with words!
Clacks!
Numbers!
Goddess Corellia, Help Me!
Lara Valentine reporting for duty...
Orders orders orders...
Sarge Sarge Sarge...
Lieutenant.
Captain.
Major.
Commander?
How far for a wedding ring?
How many fingers do you want cut off, Sarge?
Mara Mara!
I shall be your Valentine!
What does it mean?????
And there was an ink stain after that, and the stain was spreading on Blouse's hand, and from his hand it had smudged his cheek, like a Map of Corellia...
And he sat still as a statue, when Polly opened the door without knocking, carrying four books and a pile of thick letters. "We've got more... what are you doing, Sir?"
Blouse closed the grimoire, and put the notebook in his desk drawer, and locked the drawer. And then he put the key on his pocket watch chain, and hung it around his neck, and placed it under his shirt collar, and he made a gesture at Polly, raising his finger to his lips and mouthing 'Shhh! soundlessly'
And Polly frowned, her eyes widened, and she grinned like Jackrum. "You've got it!"
Blouse's face fell, all the way to the chin that didn't exist, and he shook his head, and his blue eyes with the green stars at the centre and grey rays on the edges were sad as those of a kicked puppy.
"No, Perks. But I cracked Mal's code, and you may expect an 'invasion upon your territory' and a 'Goddess Corellia Fortuna' if 'Valentine' is successful. But if you want to know more than that, you have to ask Corporal Ehrensvärd, and I am not allowed to tell you Ehrensvärd's real name, by order of General Clogston.' Blouse made the gesture for silence again, and Polly stared at him, struck dumb as Jade in sunlight for the entire time he had spoken.
Had he said what she thought he had just said?
Ohmygods!
Alice Goom's Epic Plan From Corellia had worked. Mal had made up a fantasy world, and Alice had turned it into a code, and Mal had turned it into a Marching song with verses getting more and more cryptic as the song proceeded, until, like with all national anthems, people forgot the words and went 'ner ner ner ner! Mara Mara! One two Many lots! Goddess Corellia Fortuna!'
And Mal had decorated it with his fantasy Caffeines and Siths and Goddess who was the Lady. And he had used Carborundum to Overkill and Igorina not at all.
And Blouse, being Blouse, had instantly seen to the heart of it. And he had known who had sent this message.
Sure, the verses until Jade Valentine were a message to President Froc and the Generals.
But after that, it was all Polly's song for Blouse.
March around the Circle Sea? That meant Ankh-Morpork. Polly wasn't an Igor product any more than Blouse was.
They would go to Ankh-Morpork one day.
It was a date. Wear your dress uniform.
The many-colored eyes met a pair as brown as coffee.
Polly blushed first.
Neither of them looked away.
And then there was a knock on the door, and General Clogston's voice: "Are you in there, Blouse and Perks?"