(no subject)
lj has always been such a release no matter the subject matter...and for a few days now i have been intending to update my journal to include the newest happenings with the Scott situation...
but for some reason I've dreaded it. Doesn't make much sense I realize...but none the less...I know this journal is basically just a way for me to track my emotions. Relive how I felt at certain times in my life...I know not alot of people read this....so why am I so reluctant to record my own emotions for myself?
Sometimes...the male persuasion has me convinced that guys do not think. At all. Not to sit here on my pedastal and toot my own horn so to speak but I warned Scott both about Prom and about 'us' in general. And both times he assured me that he could handle it. Yes, I realize feelings can change...and things did change after we started 'being together' but a simple...moment of refelction before agreeing to either siuations would have proved helpful. especially before prom, because judging by Scott's reactions to the very subject I'm guessing that was our main downfall...too much pressure for him. It kind of pisses me off that he had no forethought. But at the same time I can completly understand.
But at least now I know where we stand. We're just friends as of yet. And I'm planning on going down to FL this summer to visit family and stephi and of course Greg. So...I suppose I'll prolly meet Scott too, and then we'll see where 'we' go from there.
However, I don't blame this situation soley on the lack of consideration on Scott's part. And to be honest. Although I would never directly mention it, I'm worried about him. He's losing faith in himself. And I can hear the changes in his voice, and demeanor...His insecurites are slowly overtaking what once was a confident and sure personality. It makes me sad. While talking to him, he questioned my true feelings...he doesnt understand how I could think he is so amazing, he doesnt understand why I believe in him or why I like him so much. He even went as far as to say that I have unreal expectations of him. I barely have any expectations of him...I've never asked him to be anything other than what he is. It kind of hurts that he would make such outragous accusations, I wish he could see him as I see him. And realize that he is in fact a wonderful person. He is utterly random. So intelligent...most of the time anyway, he sets goals for himself, and even if he doesnt follow through with all of them the very fact that he's motivated to make them to begin with is refreshing. He plasy Piano...so cute. He's sweet. He's an asshole. He's always real. He says what he means...and can write like you would not believe. And I think it's cute that he finds it hard to think of just the way to say how he really feels. I love that we had to work for what we had...I loved the constant struggle. Because it felt like it was worth it.
I think I'm losing my convictions however, I'm not so sure if I actually love him. I care for him I know that and I know what I feel for him is unlike anything I've ever felt before...but I wonder, how in love could I have been. If I'm happy now? I never cried. I cried maybe twice while he wasn't talking to me, but only cause I blamed myself. (I won, none of this was my fault, in the end I was right.) The fact is, yes, I wish things would have ended in a different way. But I'm glad I didn't lose him thats all I could ask for...is that real true love?
I'm sorry this post is so long...but I have alot to address.
And for another thing...how much do I really believe in fate? I was yet again complaining to Scott about how FL is the bain of my existance...and he off-handly joked something like "Did you ever think maybe you should just give up and move here?" And I know he wasn't serious...but it got me thinking...I believe in signs of fate do I not? How can I have completly ignored the many signs pointing straight to FL? Not to say that I'm going to move to FL and Scotts the one and I'll live happily ever after. I'm talking about signs. Maybe I don't really belong here after all...I mean my life has and continues to be a struggle in Binghamton. and lets consider the evidence from the beginning shall we?
1. Greg - like a second dad...but lives far away in FL. *ohpoo*
2. Datona - I'm not sure if you're aware but my mom was actually seriously considering moving to FL with ron awhile back (thank god we didn't, but of all places FL?)
3. Justin - broke up with me because of his need to consider moving to FL. (he still might move actually)
4. Family - lives like 5 mins from...
5. Scott - I don't think he needs any explination.
6. Stephi - I lose one of my best friends to FL for 8 months...
So I got to thinking maybe it isnt that FL is stealing people away from me...maybe in some strange twist of fate it's really calling me in. I know it sounds really strange but it makes scary sense. I just don't know where I belong I suppose. But I know I want to get the hell out of my house...arguments ensued again last night third night in a row...this time the cops got called...uggh.
FYI:: living with someone who lives and acts like trailer trash...will make you feel like trailer trash...even if you do not live in a trailer.
but for some reason I've dreaded it. Doesn't make much sense I realize...but none the less...I know this journal is basically just a way for me to track my emotions. Relive how I felt at certain times in my life...I know not alot of people read this....so why am I so reluctant to record my own emotions for myself?
Sometimes...the male persuasion has me convinced that guys do not think. At all. Not to sit here on my pedastal and toot my own horn so to speak but I warned Scott both about Prom and about 'us' in general. And both times he assured me that he could handle it. Yes, I realize feelings can change...and things did change after we started 'being together' but a simple...moment of refelction before agreeing to either siuations would have proved helpful. especially before prom, because judging by Scott's reactions to the very subject I'm guessing that was our main downfall...too much pressure for him. It kind of pisses me off that he had no forethought. But at the same time I can completly understand.
But at least now I know where we stand. We're just friends as of yet. And I'm planning on going down to FL this summer to visit family and stephi and of course Greg. So...I suppose I'll prolly meet Scott too, and then we'll see where 'we' go from there.
However, I don't blame this situation soley on the lack of consideration on Scott's part. And to be honest. Although I would never directly mention it, I'm worried about him. He's losing faith in himself. And I can hear the changes in his voice, and demeanor...His insecurites are slowly overtaking what once was a confident and sure personality. It makes me sad. While talking to him, he questioned my true feelings...he doesnt understand how I could think he is so amazing, he doesnt understand why I believe in him or why I like him so much. He even went as far as to say that I have unreal expectations of him. I barely have any expectations of him...I've never asked him to be anything other than what he is. It kind of hurts that he would make such outragous accusations, I wish he could see him as I see him. And realize that he is in fact a wonderful person. He is utterly random. So intelligent...most of the time anyway, he sets goals for himself, and even if he doesnt follow through with all of them the very fact that he's motivated to make them to begin with is refreshing. He plasy Piano...so cute. He's sweet. He's an asshole. He's always real. He says what he means...and can write like you would not believe. And I think it's cute that he finds it hard to think of just the way to say how he really feels. I love that we had to work for what we had...I loved the constant struggle. Because it felt like it was worth it.
I think I'm losing my convictions however, I'm not so sure if I actually love him. I care for him I know that and I know what I feel for him is unlike anything I've ever felt before...but I wonder, how in love could I have been. If I'm happy now? I never cried. I cried maybe twice while he wasn't talking to me, but only cause I blamed myself. (I won, none of this was my fault, in the end I was right.) The fact is, yes, I wish things would have ended in a different way. But I'm glad I didn't lose him thats all I could ask for...is that real true love?
I'm sorry this post is so long...but I have alot to address.
And for another thing...how much do I really believe in fate? I was yet again complaining to Scott about how FL is the bain of my existance...and he off-handly joked something like "Did you ever think maybe you should just give up and move here?" And I know he wasn't serious...but it got me thinking...I believe in signs of fate do I not? How can I have completly ignored the many signs pointing straight to FL? Not to say that I'm going to move to FL and Scotts the one and I'll live happily ever after. I'm talking about signs. Maybe I don't really belong here after all...I mean my life has and continues to be a struggle in Binghamton. and lets consider the evidence from the beginning shall we?
1. Greg - like a second dad...but lives far away in FL. *ohpoo*
2. Datona - I'm not sure if you're aware but my mom was actually seriously considering moving to FL with ron awhile back (thank god we didn't, but of all places FL?)
3. Justin - broke up with me because of his need to consider moving to FL. (he still might move actually)
4. Family - lives like 5 mins from...
5. Scott - I don't think he needs any explination.
6. Stephi - I lose one of my best friends to FL for 8 months...
So I got to thinking maybe it isnt that FL is stealing people away from me...maybe in some strange twist of fate it's really calling me in. I know it sounds really strange but it makes scary sense. I just don't know where I belong I suppose. But I know I want to get the hell out of my house...arguments ensued again last night third night in a row...this time the cops got called...uggh.
FYI:: living with someone who lives and acts like trailer trash...will make you feel like trailer trash...even if you do not live in a trailer.