(no subject)
Okay, sorry about the random sadness there, I was uber unhappy at the
moment because I had been hit by a stupid ho in a BMW last Sunday, and
I wasn't feeling well, and it's true- I have been emotionally
exhausted. I have a lot of random moments like that. Don't we all?
Anyway, I am finally able to comment on things about last weekend.
I haven't talked about Matt on here I don't think. I finally feel
strong enough to do so.
Seeing Matt was...awkward, a mixture of things in general- happy to see each other, but completely confused as of how to act after two years of non-stop "you are hot, I need to touch you"-ness. I was awkward, he was awkward, there was awkwardness, but not necessarily bad. Matt used the word catharsis. I agree. See, we kind of really super love each other and he is my best friend and touchstone, for each other- that person that you didn't even know what love was before knowing how they made you feel-- and we recognize we have to know what it is to be friends right now, and by "now" it could mean a few years or our whole lives. We are aiming for a future with as little regret and uncertainty as possible. It took me this terrible, necessary, emotionally draining three months to understand and bear the separation, and every turn I take, any crush I have, I find myself loving him (or you, Matthew- if you read this) very much, if not more now that we're getting to this new plateau. And it's the best feeling in the world. To love him at any position he takes in my life. I think that's why a lot of people couldn't understand why we would put ourselves through hell to stay friends if we still had these feelings that were eating us up, causing sleepness nights and stressed-out, depressive and moody days... but it's because after a while, those feelings stop taking these huge bites, and they turn into little nibbles really, and they only nibble as a reminder of that love. That kinda love don't happen every day ;)
We are stronger.
I don't know about "happier" per se, but we're getting there. We have two different lives in comparison to the "Where do you end and I begin?" one. And in the back of my mind, I missed what it was to know who I am without him, and I feel like my grasp on that is getting stronger every day. It's funny to talk to him now and we still think so similarly and there are so many things that we say and little traits that we both have. He still steals my phrases. And sometimes I snap when I hear someone make a good point during a discussion...and then of course I shudder with horror that I just did such a thing... I still cry every now and then about missing him (and whenever I see an old Michael Jackson dance clip) but it doesn't break my heart the way it used to. I think we are secure in each others' lives and likely through all of the relationships we will have. I finally have faith that everything is gonna be okay...and I'm so relieved. I am so very relieved.
Thank you, my friends!
Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday to my titter and Michael tomorrow...they're getting old.
I have been studying like whoa lately, wish me luck on my finals, I have two tomorrow, AHHHHHHH!
I love Rachel Metelits. Just cuz.
Seeing Matt was...awkward, a mixture of things in general- happy to see each other, but completely confused as of how to act after two years of non-stop "you are hot, I need to touch you"-ness. I was awkward, he was awkward, there was awkwardness, but not necessarily bad. Matt used the word catharsis. I agree. See, we kind of really super love each other and he is my best friend and touchstone, for each other- that person that you didn't even know what love was before knowing how they made you feel-- and we recognize we have to know what it is to be friends right now, and by "now" it could mean a few years or our whole lives. We are aiming for a future with as little regret and uncertainty as possible. It took me this terrible, necessary, emotionally draining three months to understand and bear the separation, and every turn I take, any crush I have, I find myself loving him (or you, Matthew- if you read this) very much, if not more now that we're getting to this new plateau. And it's the best feeling in the world. To love him at any position he takes in my life. I think that's why a lot of people couldn't understand why we would put ourselves through hell to stay friends if we still had these feelings that were eating us up, causing sleepness nights and stressed-out, depressive and moody days... but it's because after a while, those feelings stop taking these huge bites, and they turn into little nibbles really, and they only nibble as a reminder of that love. That kinda love don't happen every day ;)
We are stronger.
I don't know about "happier" per se, but we're getting there. We have two different lives in comparison to the "Where do you end and I begin?" one. And in the back of my mind, I missed what it was to know who I am without him, and I feel like my grasp on that is getting stronger every day. It's funny to talk to him now and we still think so similarly and there are so many things that we say and little traits that we both have. He still steals my phrases. And sometimes I snap when I hear someone make a good point during a discussion...and then of course I shudder with horror that I just did such a thing... I still cry every now and then about missing him (and whenever I see an old Michael Jackson dance clip) but it doesn't break my heart the way it used to. I think we are secure in each others' lives and likely through all of the relationships we will have. I finally have faith that everything is gonna be okay...and I'm so relieved. I am so very relieved.
Thank you, my friends!
Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday to my titter and Michael tomorrow...they're getting old.
I have been studying like whoa lately, wish me luck on my finals, I have two tomorrow, AHHHHHHH!
I love Rachel Metelits. Just cuz.