Circus of Illusions - Ch4 Bella Luna
A/N; Hey loves, long time no see, As always, there's been plenty of drama. I decided to just post what I have because 1) it was getting pretty long and this whole chapter is only in Onew's pov 2) it's been over a month and I wanted to share something with you guys 3) I don't know when the next post will be because I'm currently very busy trying to stay sane with family issues.
I wanted to dedicate a whole chapter to Onew's character, to get more of his background and his feelings. He plays a very important role in this story.
Title; Circus of Illusions
Genre; Angst, Romance, AU, Fantasy
Rating; Rated M for Mature
Disclaimer; Lucy is a Fag Hag through and through, but thy characters portrayed in thee smut, thou shalt not hers. Sadly, but unfortunately true.
Pairings; JongKey crossdressing!Key, 2min, slight!OnKey, and a surprise <3
Summary; Jonghyun is a journalist working on an assignment for his class, deciding upon this urban legend going around school about a circus that grants ones desires... at a price. He decides to go personally to this circus and join their family, strictly for his article. He never bargained to go so deep that he might lose sense on reality, especially upon meeting a gypsy fortune teller that knows more than he leads on.
Notes; Throughout the story I might post certain images from the Tarot, to go along with the story. I find it helpful for me, especially when I'm trying to get really into a certain scene. I might also post pictures of what I imagine them wearing. I really hope you guys like this one. <3 Also, sorry for all errors and stuff... I was just really excited to post this, and it's pretty late over here.
Previous Chapters; 1 - 2 - 3
“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”
-Confucius
The circus got rather cold, especially on nights where the secrets were bound on the lips of those thought to be traitors. The lonely nights where each inhabiting the circus held their secrets close to what was left of themselves, knowing that they all had lost what they once were.
It was rather peculiar inside the circus tent day and night, unknowing of what exactly was going on. Although that was the impression Onew preferred to give off to those around him. It was quite on the contrary, the clown knew a lot more than he led on. In his world it was the costume that made the clown, nothing more or less. It was the only way to get as far as he had in terms of sanity. He might not come off to be the sanest of the bunch, but he knew exactly what had to be done in order to keep everyone safe.
At least those had been his intentions.
Everyone played a role; Onew had made a promise to Kibum that he would make sure that no matter the circumstances they would be safe. As time passed Onew’s resolve began to fade, while Kibum became the victim of the ringmaster’s sadistic torture.
Onew hadn’t been able to keep Kibum safe.
He remembered it clear as day when Kibum rushed over to him crying that one unfaithful night, very much similar to right then. It had been ever so quiet, as muffled sobs had filled the room and lukewarm tears flowed down the teen’s cheeks. Kibum had told him each and every single thing that the master had done to him.
Kibum had been tainted, he was now flawed.
It was disgusting and degrading, but in the end Onew hadn’t stopped it. He hadn’t known anything had happened, and that alone made something completely change inside of him. It brought the clown into utter disarray knowing that he failed to keep his promise and someone dear to him got hurt. Time hadn’t healed the damage that was done; it only drastically changed the environment around him.
Since that night Kibum stopped wearing regular clothes, and was forced to wear women’s clothing to fit the master’s needs as well as desires. Onew remembered the hurt look on Kibum’s face when he hadn’t done anything to stop the ringmaster. Instead, Onew stood in silence watching the master undress him, branding him, and making him anything but the Kibum he remembered.
Their relationship had never been the same after that day, but Onew couldn’t blame anyone but himself. The words still pierced his heart every time it echoed in his mind.
“Am I not worth saving?”
Like the coward he had become, Onew hadn’t said anything in response. From that moment onward he made sure to make it his mission to overthrow the ringmaster. His reasoning had been altered the moment they entered the Circus of Illusions. Although that wasn’t going to stop him from regaining back the mental stability that he had lost amongst the illusion itself.
The clown looked around the room full of marionettes, where the puppet had been brought to be fixed. He wiped his mouth smearing the red lipstick further across his jaw, looking around as if something seemed off. Onew walked over to the realistic marionettes, eyeing the girls inquisitively. His eyes widened when he realized there was one missing from the nine that the master had been working on.
He rushed out of the room, almost forgetting to lock it again. The room leading to the red door was where all the master’s experiments resided; unless they were discarded, they would be in that room. The fact that a doll was missing worried Onew greatly, for that meant that the master found no more use for that particular experiment.
Trying his best not to carelessly trip over himself or anything of the sort, he made it back to the ringleader’s quarters attempting to hide his look of mortification.
A chuckle was heard immediately as Onew made his way inside without knocking or any sort of mannered gesture, it hadn’t concerned the clown then. What did catch Onew’s attention was how the master was sitting down with the marionette on his lap; a hand snaked around the doll’s back. His free hand was tauntingly holding onto a card, “I knew you’d make it.”
Onew tried to hide his discomfort and anger, but he didn’t like where any of this was going. He took a deep breath and began to walk closer to the man holding the pretty puppet in his arms, “If I may ask… What are you trying to get at, master?”
(click on image for a very interesting article about the Moon Arcana :) ♥)
The master looked into the puppet’s lifeless eyes and smirked, “I knew you’d come straight to me upon realizing she was missing. You know, you talk a lot of rubbish about Taemin being a failed experiment. What about her? She rejects every artificial heart I place inside of her. If I were to throw out any of my experiments, it would be this ice princess over-“
“-Stop it,” Onew said in a low growl, once again forgetting just how grave the situation was. He couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of the master, trying to pull his leg. That disgrace of a man had made them do many things, but Onew wasn’t going to allow him to dispose of the doll in his arms. His laugh seemed to upset the master, Onew shook his head, “How about if I can make her work? You’ve said it yourself. I have potential. I have been able to help you before. How about it, master?”
“Are you actually trying to negotiate with me? I own you and can do as I please,” the ringleader sneered looking at the card that he was still holding, “I wonder though… If you had the chance to stay in your ideal illusion, would you do so? Deep down you know that the world you created isn’t real, yet you prefer it more than the reality. As beautiful as the moon is, she deceives. I never could trust her,” he sighed as he passed the card over the puppet’s cheek.
The clown looked inquisitively in the ringmaster’s direction, ignoring to the best of his ability how the master was pushing all sorts of buttons. He knew how the man worked, and driving people to the edge of insanity took little to no effort for him. A person’s will to live shattering before his eyes was what the ringleader enjoyed above all else. Onew knew to be cautious in what words were spoken in the other man’s presence, for it could mean the end of everything.
He needed to play along with the master’s game in order to come out of it all victorious. Onew might’ve not been able to come through in protecting Kibum, but he knew he was going to make up for it. Even if Kibum would never be able to forgive him, it didn’t matter because his real intentions in his beating heart were clear. No matter how broken the clown’s logic was he would finish what he started.
It couldn’t be helped how Onew’s blood boiled at the mention of throwing away the puppet in the master’s arms. He couldn’t help knowing that she wasn’t just a toy that could be disposed of. That puppet was special to Onew, because it was the first doll he helped create.
That marionette was his.
“You have nothing to say, then,” the ringmaster chuckled extending the card to his servant, “It’s amazing how human nature is so incredibly, predictable. The moment one threatens the life of a loved one, humans become even more idiotic. It is pretty pathetic that you’re reacting this way over her, when she isn’t even real. Indeed, from what I see you’d prefer living in your own dream world, far from reality. This circus suits you.”
“Master,” Onew’s voice trembled in absolute anger as he gritted his teeth, “May I take her-the puppet back to the workshop?”
A smirk formed on the sadistic man’s lips as he let the doll drop to the floor, followed by a crack sound. The ringmaster stood up and let the card fall neatly on top of the lifeless doll’s chest, “She’s all yours, for now.”
Onew stood still and expressionless as he walked over to the doll, picked her up, and walked out of the ringmaster’s quarters without saying another word. As he pushed the door closed with his too big clown shoe, ignoring the laughter all the while, the clown made his way back to the red door he was so familiar with.
Upon going inside he laid the puppet down, much like Minho had done to Taemin, letting the tears flow freely down his cheeks. He placed a hand softly caressing the now cracked face of the doll, but Onew couldn’t stare at her for long before his anger intensified.
The clown screamed as he punched the nearest wall, wincing in pain soon after realizing his fingers were numb. He knew he had to control his temper, because punching things or hurting himself wasn’t going to resolve anything. The tears wouldn’t stop and nor did his anger dissipate.
Onew cursed to himself, knowing he was a coward. At the same time, what was he to do? As if he didn’t hate himself enough with what had happened to Kibum, now the one thing that he loved more than the gypsy was being threatened to be thrown away. At least he knew that the marionette was his, she was his creation.
The master had Onew as an apprentice for some time and taught him just how to make humanlike dolls. Naturally, Taemin was the first doll made by the master, but the second doll was made entirely by Onew. The master had given him complete reign to do as the clown pleased, and that he did. That’s how Jessica was born.
Unfortunately, Jessica never awoke as Taemin had, leading her to be considered a failed experiment. The master wasn’t fond of failed experiments. Onew held a grudge towards the first doll due to the master putting more attention on him than his Jessica. The clown knew deep down if he didn’t prove Jessica to be worth keeping around, he would dispose of her.
Onew had grown much attached to his doll, and wouldn’t allow her to be thrown away. He just wouldn’t allow it.
“Don’t worry Jessica, I’ll fix you. You’ll see,” Onew sobbed pathetically, not realizing there was someone approaching from behind until he felt a familiar touch. A hand was placed on the clown’s shoulder, attempting to ease his obvious pain. Onew jumped back from the contact, becoming face to face with the one person he wanted to most avoid.
“Jinki hyung,” the look of utter pity adorning the gypsy’s face wasn’t one that Onew wanted to see at the moment. Kibum had probably never seen him in such a state, so he could understand his reaction. Sadly, Onew wasn’t in any mood to understand in return.
The older of the two stood up immediately, wiping the tears from his face only making a bigger mess of the clown makeup. A hollow laugh filled the room as Onew looked into Kibum’s eyes, “I’m not Jinki anymore, remember? I’m not even sure why you still call yourself Kibum, you’re Gwiboon now.”
Kibum shook his head as he placed his hands over either side of Onew’s face, “We’re still us, never forget it. The moment we lose touch with who we were before entering the circus, is the moment we lose the game. This is not the end, hyung. That man hasn’t won yet… Don’t make it easier for him.”
Onew shoved Kibum away and sneered, “How can you speak so optimistically? If anything you should be the most,” he paused, hesitating on his next choice of words, “-broken of all.”
“If there’s anything I’ve learned here is that, we got to keep it together no matter what,” Kibum then smiled, “You taught me that, Jinki hyung. No matter how grim the situation is, there’s always a reason to smile.”
The older of the two couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pride as Kibum reminisced, “I’m surprised you remember that. I used to be so much more cheerful back then,” Onew looked away from the gypsy’s gaze, trying not to dwell but finding it impossible.
“You still are. You just have to reacquaint yourself, that’s all. The master can only take away what we let him take away,” Kibum smiled once again, said smile fading as he looked over at the lifeless marionette. He walked over to her placing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, “She’s beautiful.”
“What good is her beauty if she can’t even open her eyes to see for herself,” the clown mused as he made his way towards them as well.
Kibum sighed as he took the card that was lying on her chest, “The love you put into making her is quite evident. Is this your ideal woman?”
“Why do you ask,” Onew smirked finding the courage to look into Kibum’s eyes, but noticed the gypsy unfazed. He answered back as another sigh filled the room, “I didn’t make her in the image of my ideal woman, for I don’t have an ideal woman. Although if I did, she might have similar features to someone I’m quite close to,” Onew then rested his forehead against Kibum’s own. They stayed like that for a good while, only letting the sounds of their breathing contradict the almost absolute silence.
The clown knew his feelings would never be returned, but those feelings died the day he betrayed Kibum. Any hopes of those feelings blossoming into something more beautiful faded upon entering the forsaken circus of illusions. It didn’t matter then, because all Onew cared about was being in the presence of someone familiar.
He wasn’t alone.
“You know how I feel about being compared to a woman,” Kibum then broke the contact as he took a closer look at the card still in his hand.
“I know,” the clown smiled and looked back to his precious Jessica. She was indeed an Ice Princess, and Onew had to find a way to warm her heart to make it beat.
Kibum smiled in return, “I’ll let it pass this time, because this is the most honest conversation we’ve had in quite some time. I missed this Jinki hyung. He’s the one I met years ago when I had no one. He was the one to protect me and show me that there’s more to life than just wandering about aimlessly. You guided me.”
“Yeah, look how far that got us,” Onew grimaced realizing his bitterness was showing once again, “You speak so highly of me though. I don’t feel I deserve it.”
The card in Kibum’s hand was different from the one the master had been holding. Instead of the 18th arcana the Moon, the gypsy held the seven of pentacles. He turned the card to the clown, “What do you see in this card?”
Onew groaned, feeling very put off by Kibum’s card games, even if they held certain significance most of the time, “I see a man, he looks exhausted. He seems to be dwelling over something.”
“I see a man who reaps what he sows,” Kibum finished off with a nod as he handed the card to Jinki, “Don’t think so little of yourself.”
After taking the card into his grasp, Onew took another look at the artwork. The mysterious Tarot cards that Kibum was so fond of held plenty of merit, for they always illuminated the darkness of one’s subconscious. When in doubt, the images used in Tarot showed a spectrum of possibilities. No matter the situation, those cards Kibum felt such a closeness to held the key to all the answers they sought.
All they needed was an interpreter, and Onew was looking right at him.
“There was a reason why I stopped by though,” the gypsy said as he brought Onew back to reality, “I believe the wheel of fate is in our favor.”
“Oh? Please, do tell,” Jinki arched a curious brow.
Kibum looked down attempting to hide an obvious blush, regaining composure almost immediately, “He goes by the name of Kim Jonghyun, and I would like you to meet him.”
Onew’s reaction was probably not what the gypsy expected, but the clown couldn’t possibly take those words seriously. He sighed trying to contain his laughter, in hopes of not coming off a complete jerk, “What a coincidence, I’ve crossed paths with the lad… He’s a pretty pathetic excuse of a human being, if you ask me.”
The cynicism that dripped from every single word that Jinki uttered only upset Kibum. He puffed his cheeks in annoyance, “I didn’t ask you. Wait, how did you two-“
“That’s not important,” Onew said abruptly.
“I still need you to come to the main tent area. We have to prepare for tomorrow night’s show. The newcomer is going to be part of it as well, whether you like it or not,” Kibum finished off still sounding pretty offended from his friend’s rash bluntness.
The clown chuckled and decided to not pursue the matter further. It was nice to talk to Kibum again in almost normal terms, and the last thing he wanted was to mess it all up by anymore snide remarks. If Kibum believed that this Jonghyun character was worth the time of day, so be it. Onew finally answered with a simple nod of his head, “I’ll follow suit after I finish up here. I want to take a look at a couple of things,” he said as he took another glimpse over at Jessica.
Kibum gave him a sympathetic look but merely nodded as well, “I understand. I’ll go tell the others, for I see that tomorrow is going to be a long day.”
As the gypsy walked out of the workshop, Onew noticed how his hips swayed from one side to the other. He thought only a woman could do that particular motion, but he stood quite corrected. Deep down the clown was sure that Kibum didn’t want to dress in women’s clothing, even if in essence he always had feminine characteristics and features. Onew knew it wasn’t about that, it was about how the ringleader degraded his best friend to his very core. He stomped on his pride, and from then on Kibum learned how to simply cope.
Of course, all was mere speculation from Onew’s part, but everything was still unnerving. What led Kibum to continue the charade instead of trying to find ways to get out of it?
The clown combed his fingers through Jessica’s hair, his laugh almost inaudible, “It’s odd, for you remind me so much of him. Yet, you’re nothing alike. Although I suppose you both can relate to one thing,” Onew paused, as if the puppet doll was going to reply back, “You’re both as broken as they come.”
“Personally, I think you’re the one suffering most, Jinki oppa. You’re not being true to yourself,” an angelic-like voice rang in Onew’s ears. He looked around consciously, wondering where the voice came from. After Kibum had left, no one else had gone into the room or was in the room save for himself.
The marionettes still hung in place, some with smiles while others were expressionless. They were all beautiful but none of them were able to compare to Jessica’s beauty. Then again, favoritism existed in the clown’s heart since he helped create that particular marionette. He stared down at the doll once again and could almost fit that voice with his Jessica.
It was almost as if she was actually trying to communicate with him, but if Onew pursued that train of thought it would only serve to prove that he indeed had lost all sanity. He shrugged the voice off and decided to leave her for the time being. Kibum had wanted everyone to gather in the main tent area, and it would be awfully rude of the clown if he were to be late.
Before exiting the room once more, he sighed as he looked down at his injured hand, “I guess I can always ask Gwiboon noona to tend to my wounds,” a smile formed on his lips but winced as soon as he tried to open and close the palm of his hand, “I’m sure he’ll know what to do.”
He wasn’t very fond of Kim Jonghyun, and Onew by far wasn’t going to make it easy for him to get what he wanted. The smirk widened as he saw the moonlight seep in through the window, the almost pregnant moon staring down at him.
Onew then realized that tomorrow night would make twenty-two full moons, in which they had spent under the rule of the circus of illusions. They’ve had a total of twenty one shows, each performance during a full moon.
He couldn’t shake the feeling that their journey would soon come to an end.
“At long last,” Onew whispered making his way out of the room of creation and destruction. It was the very room where their future had been set in stone, and the very room where they had lost all hope as well as their right to shine.
☼-☼-☼
So there you have it, chapter four... I will post this in the communities or something tomorrow. I just wanted to get this chapter out there, seeing as I'm not really sure when my next update will be.
Shameless plugs:
empressreadings kpopastrology tumblr
Fool's Journey (Tarot) Poetry: The Fool, The Magician, The High Priestess, Empress, and Emperor Hierophant and the Lovers
I'll edit this later and stuff. I hope you enjoy the backgroundy goodness of this chapter!