Heirs Fic: III - Stuttering
Disclaimer: I do not own SBS' The Heirs / The Inheritors nor any of its characters.
Authors Note: Please keep in mind my native language isn't English so thanks in advance for treating any grammar or spelling mistakes I might have missed with kindness.
Watching The Heirs got me deeply fascinated with Lee Hyo-shin's character and when his story ended up a bit neglected I was left longing for more. So... after years and years of writing for myself only, I decided to publish this series as a dedication to Lee Hyo-shin. There are too few Lee Hyo-shin-stories out there and he deserves better.
This is inspired by an extraordinarily brilliant writer. I gotta say her series of drabbles can only be described as a true masterpiece.
Universe & Timeline: The Heirs-Universe though I'll definitely bend the story to my liking - takes place sometime within the DramaSeries.
Pairing: Hints of RachelxHyo-shin - I also ship Young-Do/Hyo-shin, but I'm not that comfortable yet to do anything more than fantasise.
Rating: M
Warnings: Coarse language, mentions of self-abuse and suicide
Summary: "There is a kind of beauty in imperfection-" - Conrad Hall
This is the 3rd piece in my series of Stand-Alone's called 'A Thousand Deaths per Minute' and can be read as a One-Shot. This is set after 'Faceless' and 'A Thousand Deaths per Minute'.
Please note that I have the unpleasant habit of altering the story-facts to my liking. You'll read many things that actually haven't happened in The Heirs, I just can't withstand the urge to fit them into my own little universe.
III - Stuttering
As days dragged on, time trickling by sluggishly, Rachel found herself watching.
In the past there had been quite a few things she hadn't noticed just because she was far too busy keeping up her act of perfection. And then she'd met Hyo-shin on the rooftop and he'd pulled the mask right off her, removing her blindfold.
It was the first time she'd really started to see.
And that day on the roof she'd seen a lot of things. She'd seen the truth.
'Don't you have people to terrorise? Your poor victims are probably missing you already.'
That line had somehow gotten engraved into her mind and she'd been stuck on pondering Hyo-shin's words ever since. Cause despite his sarcasm and mockery, Hyo-shin rarely wasted his breath on vocalising anything useless. His words might be wrapped tightly in sarcasm and mockery and often sounded opaque, but there was always a purpose behind the things he said.
Stained and twisted by bitterness, the fraction of truth in Hyo-shin's statements wasn't always easy to discern but if you really listened you would get the underlying meaning.
You just had to be willing to see.
And she was willing to see now that he'd pulled that blindfold off her eyes. She was ready to see the truth, ready to notice all the little things, every detail, every underlying truth she hadn't noticed before.
She noticed how people started to get really uncomfortable in her presence, for example. Or how they seemed to sigh in relief whenever she wasn't around.
Rachel started to see the results of the act she'd been pulling of all those years and what she saw wasn't what she'd been trying to achieve at all.
She'd wanted an identity to be remembered by - but all she'd accomplished was that people were more than glad to get her out of their minds, trying hard to forget she even existed.
Now that she could see, Rachel also noticed a lot of other things. Like, the way Young Do's gaze always seemed to linger on Eun-Sang longer than appropriate, or the way Bo Na was unable to keep silent whenever another girl was talking to Chan Young, afraid he might leave her.
She started to see a pattern behind the tables people would pick during lunch-break as if there was a seating order that had been silently designated.
She started to notice things like the fact Hyo-shin was always at school long before everyone else arrived. Or the fact that the small white stain on his jacket-sleeve was suspiciously looking like the spray-paint the body-outline had been drawn with.
Being able to see was a double-edged sword though. Cause now that she'd started to see things it seemed she couldn't stop anymore.
She wanted to see - wanted to see the truth. And somehow Hyo-shin, being the one to blame for all this, was slowly coming into focus.
She found herself watching him, sometimes for a few seconds only , sometimes for hours on end.
It wasn't an easy task however, Hyo-shin was a master of blending-in.
He had this truly annoying tendency to just... vanish. One moment you were talking to him and the next he'd already dropped off the radar, only to come on the scene again in situations so awkward you'd rather have him gone.
Like a shadow he could disappear in a crowd with practised ease, observing without being seen.
This unique skill undoubtedly worked to his advantage to stay on top of things, but it was definitely Hyo-shin's most obnoxious trait. But even though she had a hard time tracking him, she'd already realised quite a few things about Hyo-shin.
The fact he was pretty much a loner, for example - even though people liked him and he could have made lasting friends. Contrary to her, forming bonds would have been an easy task for him, since people were attracted to his laid-back attitude. And he did socialise every once in a while - but then again, he always ensured to keep everyone at a distance. As if afraid to form any ties.
This was the reason she decided she didn't like the way he was staring at the body outline day after day.
Even now.
He'd been leaning against the roof's balustrade for a couple of minutes now, without even moving a muscle. His gaze hadn't strayed once from the sprayed outline on the ground and unbidden her mind provided her with an image of his lifeless form lying on the ground, dark blood staining the concrete, blurring the white outlines in a bizarre play of colours.
The worst thing was, he was probably imagining the same scenario in his mind, but instead of feeling dread at the picture in his mind he was most likely warming up to it - a fact that she didn't like one bit.
She couldn't stand around any longer.
Starting to walk she ignored the people passing her by as she made her way into the school, through the corridors, up the stairs. Passing by empty classrooms, her heels clicked loudly on the ground and she was almost tempted to pull off her shoes so she wouldn't attract so much attention. Not that there were many people around - school had ended 30 minutes ago after all - but still, she didn't need anyone getting aware of her presence. The last thing she needed was a witness when she beat some sense into that stupid, suicidal idiot.
Unconsciously her eyes started wandering from left to right without a pause while she walked through the otherwise empty hallways, taking in her surroundings with newly discovered attentiveness.
At the base of the last stairwell leading up to the roof, she turned around once again, checking if anyone had noticed where she was headed. And satisfied that there still wasn't a soul to be seen, she hurried up the last flight of stairs.
Up on the rooftop a light breeze stirred up the stray fallen leaves that had gathered in the nooks.
Shutting the door behind her gently her gaze immediately fastened onto his back, almost burning a hole into his dark jacket with the weight of her stare.
Good, he hadn't jumped yet.
“Sunbae.”
It was almost funny how violently he startled at the sound of her voice, his lean body tensing. And when he turned around there wasn't a trace of his trademark smooth demeanour; his act all over the place now that he'd been caught.
As soon as he realised it was her intruding on his sanctuary though, he immediately tried to cover up, forcing a one-sided smile onto his lips. But it was shaky at best, waning like the moon the longer he tried to hold her gaze.
And she watched.
She watched as he fidgeted. Watched as he scrambled to regain his equilibrium - anything that would have helped getting his act together.
He seemed like the kind of guy who could easily endure pressure but he crumbled faster than she'd expected. All of a sudden he was unable to face her any longer, his hands still fidgeting with unease as he turned away with a derisive snort. “What, you checking up on me now? I feel flattered.”
She just stood there, never taking her eyes off him. Her dark-blue skirt fluttering slightly in the breeze, Rachel cocked her head. “Just wanted to make sure you aren't about to off yourself.” Again.
Stilling his restless motions Hyo-shin glanced back at her, raising one provocative eye-brow. There was something strange in his expression, something vulnerable. There was a crack in his mask. “As if you would care if I kicked the bucket.”
Scowling at his statement, Rachel couldn't help but feel irked. Here he was, ready to fall apart right in front of her and he was still fighting like a cornered animal to keep up the pretense. What for?!
A moment after, when his lips pulled up in a smile of mockery, she came to the decision that she really hated that sneer, hated the pretense. She hated it for the fact it kept people from noticing the underlying self-depreciating character. It was a lie.
“Stop talking shit”, she snapped, balling her hands into tight fists at her side. “Of course I would care!”
If possible his eyebrow lifted even higher, an unspoken dare. “Well, who's talking shit now?!”
A sound of pure frustration leaving her mouth, Rachel stomped her foot. She gritted her teeth as she trembled in pent-up anger. And it was this action, this minor display of her short temper, that had him finally turn around all the way, facing her.
Immediately her skin started to tingle where his unfathomable gaze lingered, his eyes roaming her form in barely concealed curiosity. It was a dangerous gaze, she realised. It didn't bode well at all.
He was looking for holes to slip through, something - anything - that would give him back some control over the situation, allowing him to escape. She could see it. He was desperate.
And when he shoved his hands into his pockets casually, another fake smile lifting the corners of his mouth for the tiniest of fractions, she knew he'd gained the upper hand.
Rachel looked on as he took a few slow steps towards her, stopping again. “So what, are you saying you actually started caring about anything else but yourself?”
“You are a son of a bitch, you know that?!” Rachel felt the familiar rush of adrenaline in her veins as rage flared up within her. She knew he was trying to set her off, knew how desperate he was to escape but still, she couldn't help the anger. He had to stop this. She needed to make him stop.
He inhaled in a hiss, shaking his head mockingly. “How offensive. Your harsh words are really cutting into me.”
Truly angry now Rachel stalked over the remaining distance between them and grabbed a fistful of his white shirt, ready to shake him back to sense. Her face distorting into a mask of resentment, she brought him closer, her eyes piercing him like a pair of two sharp daggers. “Could you stop that?! I came here out of honest concern!”
Chuckling silently, the sound creating a faint rumble in his chest where she could feel it underneath the pads of her fingers, he broke eye-contact. Looking up the sky he was seemingly amused. “You? Concerned? About me? Now I really do feel flattered.”
She growled menacingly and if possible her fingers tightened even further around the fabric of his shirt-front, twisting the material to leave crinkles that would need extensive ironing.
Outraged at how insistently he was stonewalling her with mockery, she ground her teeth so hard it would have made her dentist cringe. How dare he to make fun of her?! Wasn't her worry for him ridiculous enough already? Wasn't her appearance on the rooftop enough prove how much she cared?!
Deep down she was aware he was just trying to drive her off, making use of her tendency to blow up at people if provoked, using her ardent way of expressing herself to his advantage. But still, she couldn't help getting angrier and angrier. After all, he was using her weak points to get what he wanted. But why?! Why would he do that?! Was he really that desperate? He was resorting to such desperate measures just to drive her away?! Why couldn't he just let her care?! Why couldn't he just fall apart? Damn him. Really. Damn him, damn the pretense and damn that bastard smile.
As if he'd read it off her burning eyes there was another sneer curling up his lips, mocking her.
It was the straw that broke the camels back.
Unleashing her explosive temper she shoved him for real this time, hard and unforgiving. For once not caring in the least.
What she hadn't expected was how strong she could be when truly angry. Using unadulterated violence she was surprised by the force of her own shove as he lost his balance. Her eyes widened in shock as he tumbled backwards, hitting the balustrade with a painful-sounding thump that knocked the wind out of him.
She caught him wincing as the edge cut into his back and he hit his head, the hiss escaping his mouth in reaction to the pain cutting into her like a recently honed blade.
When he tilted side-ways dangerously, momentarily stunned by the impact, she'd almost started forward, desperate to steady him. But it only took him a moment till his hands finally found enough purchase to keep him from falling over, a grimace flickering over his features as he caught himself on the rough stone.
His face now wiped clean of his mask and any scoffing, Rachel was surprised at the utterly honest expression. His full lips, slightly open to pant for breath, had lost the sneer and were pressed into a serious line as he regarded her with something close to apprehension. She could tell he was trying to gauge her next move, pushing the pain to the back of his mind in order to prepare for another attack.
Rachel had caught him unaware, that much was sure.
She didn't think he would let it happen again.
The only reason why he hadn't seen it coming was because he most likely hadn't thought she would dare to shove him - shove him the way she would do it to someone she hated.
True, she'd shouldered him in annoyance once or twice when he'd been provoking it, but this... this was something else entirely. This was personal. This hadn't been just a nudge with her shoulder to display she was displeased with him, but a real honest-to-god shove, intent to hurt him.
And Hyo-shin would never have guessed she would actually mean to harm him, ready to use the violence she usually reserved for all the well-fare students - people she detested. People she didn't respect in the least.
But he was her sunbae; her elder - he was accustomed to getting at least some respect.
Sure, people didn't cower before him just because he was their senior and if he got into a fight they probably wouldn't spare him either, but at least they would hesitate before punching him. Out of respect; even if he was inter-meddling with their affairs.
After all, as their sunbae it was his duty to intervene. As their sunbae he had to be the voice of reason, and so far people had obeyed his orders whenever he'd broken up a fight.
But this... he'd never been shoved before. Not intentionally. Not like that. Not even Young Do had dared to lay a hand on him; despite the venomous words they tended to exchange and the way they seemed to rub each other up entirely the wrong way.
She was quite the delicate girl but that shove had actually hurt, mostly because it had caught him totally off-guard. He wouldn't make that mistake twice so he stayed poised in his current position, defensive, unwilling to pay for his error of judgement with more bruises.
If possible Rachel's face softened another tad though as she watched him guiltily, took in the tension, the way he readied himself for further abuse. And frankly, the way his sharp-angled face had seemingly frozen into marble hurt her in a way she couldn't understand.
Glancing away uncomfortably at the sudden wariness in his gaze, she started to fidget with the hem of her blouse. “I-Im sorry. A-Are you hurt?”
Obviously her stuttered apology was evidence enough she wouldn't assault him again, cause he relaxed slightly, but not much. Steadying himself, he straightened slowly and only when he was sure she wouldn't move from where she was standing did he dare to take his eyes off her, carefully examining the back of his head.
Rachel would have missed the barely visible wince as he touched the tender spot if she hadn't been so intensely focused on him and everything in her clenched. He wasn't bleeding, right? She hadn't shoved him that hard, had she?
To her relief there wasn't any blood on his fingers when he brought his hand back down but Hyo-shin paused nevertheless as he caught sight of his hands, glancing at his skinned palms wordlessly.
With a sigh he started picking at a few stray chips of stone that had gotten stuck in his flesh when he'd caught himself against the rough surface of the balustrade, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly as he pulled them out one by one. He soon got frustrated with the tedious task though and wanting to get rid of them all at once he started to brush over them in irritation.
Without thinking Rachel reached out and caught his wrist in order to stop him from treating his own hands so roughly.
She took both of his hands in hers then, cradling them with uttermost care as she started to inspect them closely. Her nimble fingers set to work in quiet, removing every splinter she could find oh-so-carefully. And when she lifted her gaze again to tell him he'd better clean them under the faucet to make sure there wasn't any dirt left, she met a pair of dark-brown eyes that had widened in surprise at her gentle touch.
Blushing, she ducked her head, masking her embarrassment with a half-hearted scowl as she pulled a tissue out of her pocket, dabbing at his palms gingerly. For a moment she worked in silence, not daring to meet his gaze again.
But as the silence stretched she became uncomfortably aware that his breathing was the only sound she could hear - deep and slow - so very close that she could feel it fanning on her face. “You know.. it's your own damn fault. I hadn't expected you would go down like that after being shoved by a girl”, she muttered grouchily.
He snorted in response, causing her to chance another look up at him and this time the smile spreading on his lips was honest.
Glancing at him from underneath her lashes, watching him closely, she studied his handsome face with care. Her gaze swept over his prominent cheek-bones, caressed his sharp-angled features, regarded his lips until it finally fastened on his eyes, loving the way they lit up in a perfect mirror of his smile.
She didn't know when she'd last seen him smile so sincerely - if she had at all. But she liked the change in his features as he did so.
It made him look softer, more tender. Almost delicate, in a way, like the first bud on a cherry-tree after a long, harsh winter. Vulnerable.
She really liked this smile, she decided. Liked this side of him; expressive and honest. Without his usual act, the kindness in his eyes was unmasked, shining in his deep browns like a warm light, ready to bathe you in affection. It relaxed her in a way she wasn't able to understand.
“You should smile more often”, she said then, only realising what she'd done after it was too late.
Within the fraction of a second as the words left her mouth, the smile was gone from his face; frozen. She felt more than saw him shut down, his muscles tensing, and she couldn't stop her own body from
getting rigid as well, cursing herself for letting that comment escape.
It seemed she'd touched a sore spot there - one that spread its ache in places she knew only too well.
In the next moment she noticed a slight tremor starting up in his hands and she looked up in time to catch the sensitive expression in his eyes before he averted them to the side, uncomfortable.
This time though, she held on firmly as he tried to pull his hands out of her grip, keeping him from backing away. Normally she would have let him - but not this time.
“I mean it”, she said with conviction. There was no use in trying to take the words back now, she could only try and convince him that it was the truth.
There was no such luck though, he'd closed off and if possible he tensed only further.
It was the first time Rachel had witnessed her sunbae less than confident, his body-language betraying his unease. His reaction spoke for itself - his lack of honest smiles were due to a reason and it wasn't one he was comfortable sharing with her.
Under normal circumstances she would have taken pleasure in using the sudden power that had fallen right into her lap, the power she had over him right now, but not this time. Not here. Not with him.
She enjoyed bantering with him, sometimes outright needing the exchange of snarky remarks as a mean to blow off steam. But not in this situation, not in the condition he was in.
Shields lowered, and bare, Hyo-shin was like a raw wound in front of her and she knew, any wrong comment might cut into him so deep it would leave a scar that might kill him. Any wrong word and it might be the last inch that would push him off the roof.
She wasn't ready to let him go yet. Not ever.
And it wasn't her intention to hurt him either. It had never been. So she let go of his wrist, however reluctantly, allowing him to turn away.
As a person who meant him no harm, she granted him the time and space he needed in order to put his shields back up. Even though it would mean that the person beneath the surface, the one she'd come to like, would vanish behind that indifferent mask again.
But even if she allowed him to re-build his defenses, she wouldn't permit him to refuse a gesture of comfort. And that's why she closed the distance between them, slinging her arms loosely around him from behind. She felt him tense, felt the resistance but she didn't care. Snuggling up against his back she gently nestled her face between his shoulder-blades.
“You made me stutter”, she murmured softly then, words muffled by the fabric of his jacket. “It's ok if you stutter every now and then. Even for you.”
A/N: Ugh, I twisted them so much I feel like I twisted myself.