Heirs Fic: II - A Thousand Deaths per Minute
Disclaimer: I do not own SBS' The Heirs / The Inheritors nor any of its characters.
Authors Note: Please keep in mind my native language isn't English so thanks in advance for treating any grammar or spelling mistakes I might have missed with kindness.
Watching The Heirs got me deeply fascinated with Lee Hyo-shin's character and when his story ended up a bit neglected I was left longing for more. So... after years and years of writing for myself only, I decided to publish this series as a dedication to Lee Hyo-shin. There are too few Lee Hyo-shin-stories out there and he deserves better.
This is inspired by an extraordinarily brilliant writer. I gotta say her series of drabbles can only be described as a true masterpiece.
Universe & Timeline: The Heirs-Universe though I'll definitely bend the story to my liking - takes place sometime within the DramaSeries.
Pairing: Hints of RachelxHyo-shin - I also ship Young-Do/Hyo-shin, but I'm not that comfortable yet to do anything more than fantasise.
Rating: M
Warnings: Coarse language, mentions of self-abuse and suicide
Summary: "Sometimes you don't realise your fear of heights until you stand at the edge of the cliff, ready to jump." - BlueMistique
This is the 2nd piece in my series of Stand-Alone's called 'A Thousand Deaths per Minute' and can be read as a One-Shot. As you may notice this is actually set BEFORE 'Faceless'.
Please note that I have the unpleasant habit of altering the story-facts to my liking. You'll read many things that actually haven't happened in The Heirs, I just can't withstand the urge to fit them into my own little universe.
A Thousand Deaths per Minute
Hyo-shin was afraid of heights.
He'd known ever since his mother had taken him for a visit to his father's office as a child and he'd stood at the large glass-windows feeling as if he was about to be pulled down into the depth.
Looking out at the streets below it had been the first time Hyo-shin had realised the higher you climbed the farther you fell. It was the first time he realised that his parents high expectations would be his downfall.
Ever since then he'd struggled with fear whenever he had to climb higher up, cause he knew it would hurt all the more when the inevitable fall followed. It was a law he'd learned early in his young life and he'd suffered the consequences more times than he could count. And still, still he hadn't been able to help himself as he tried it time and time again, scrambling for his parents' recognition.
At some point though the bitter truth revealed itself and he had to realise that he wouldn't ever gain his parents affection, no matter how far he clambered up.
For them his effort was nothing more than meeting a requirement, they simply expected perfect obedience and exceeding performances.
Time and time again he had to realise that pleasing his parents would be an impossible task. Whether he studied deep into the night, exhausting himself to the point he felt like he was filled with ash, it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Not enough for his parents' satisfaction.
Being first-rank on each and every test wasn't a simple task, it wasn't something Hyo-shin could pull off without working for it but still, for his parents it wasn't an accomplishment, it was a law. And they made it clear he would regret it deeply if he dared to fall back in rank.
He was the son of the general attorney.
He had a reputation to protect; had to answer his parents' expectations.
But up here at the top the air was crisp and thin and Hyo-shin struggled breathing with every inhale, close to suffocating.
He had a legacy to carry on, shoes to fill - shoes he hadn't even wanted to try on to begin with. In fact, he'd rather run bare-footed through a field of glass-shards. But what choice did he have?
His mother was in control of everything, down to the things he had to like. Cause... what would other people think, if the son of the general attorney dared to admit he found solace in taking pictures of sundown?
Lawyers were down-to-earth people, they didn't have their heads up in the clouds. Sometimes Hyo-shin thought there must have been a mistake at the hospital when he'd been given to his mother after birth cause his thoughts were all over the horizon.
The only reason his mother tolerated his position as the broadcasting-club's president, was because it would look nice in his application for law-school. Also, his interest in broadcasting could easily be explained as a lawyers desire to stay up-to-date with the events of the world. She seemed to look over the fact he'd rather edit his own movies than catch up on politics, as long as it didn't interfere with his school achievement... and her deliberate ignorance was the only reason he was still alive.
His mother might have allowed him to fiddle about with his video-equipment at the present time but Hyo-shin was trapped in more ways than one when it came to his future.
His parents had chased him up a career-ladder so high he was suffering from vertigo, threatening to plummet down. He'd always hated heights, afraid of falling, but for once he wished he could just let go, allowing himself to plunge into the dark abyss below that was awaiting him if he dared to disappoint his parents.
He'd tried escape, oh yes.. he'd tried. But even when he'd swallowed half the content of his father's stock of sleeping pills, even then he'd earned nothing more than a disapproving glare and an angrily hissed threat to try harder.
Hyo-shin wished with all his heart he'd succeeded back then, cause things had gotten so much worse in the aftermath. If he'd known his situation would evolve into this kind of disaster in case of surviving, he might have tried just a bit harder.
But a fraction of fragile hope had led him to swallow the pills while visiting the USA, where Tan might find him in time. He'd hoped his suicide attempt would open his parents' eyes. Little had he known that his parents hadn't been blind to his suffering. Their eyes had been wide open, watching his struggle square on and deliberately ignoring the agony he'd been suffering day by day.
His attempt to make his parents see had been therefore completely and utterly futile.
In the end, after all his disappointment and evaporated hope had ceased to exist, the only thing that had been left was regret.
In the end Hyo-shin just wished he'd realised the truth about his parents a little sooner cause then he could have tried a lot harder. If he'd known maybe he might even have jumped off a bridge, instead of randomly swallowing half a cabinet of pills - despite his fear of heights. He would have done it, just so he could escape the future that was so carefully laid out for him. In truth, he would rather have no future at all than the one his parents had so meticulously planned out for him.
As it was though, he hadn't succeeded in killing himself and his failed attempt had brought him nothing but pain. And even more shackles.
His parents didn't care how many pills he had to swallow now, as long as they would help him function. They didn't care if he had to down a dangerously high amount of antidepressants, as long as he would surrender himself to their expectations in the end.
At the beginning Hyo-shin had even been compliant, oddly obedient to comply with his parents wishes - too burnt out to do anything else. His attempt at taking his own life had robbed him of any energy he'd had left and now he was just following through with the motions his parents had planned out for him.
Bereft of any strength to bid defiance he'd even resigned himself to the future his parents wanted for him. It was only a few months later that he jolted out of the bleak daily routine and he started having the desire to escape the seemingly inevitable again.
He couldn't do it. He just.. couldn't.
No matter how hard he tried to kill the person within him, wishing in spite of himself that he became the perfect little robot for his parents to control... he didn't succeed. Despite his efforts he couldn't help suffering a thousand deaths per minute whenever he forced himself to oblige his parents' wishes that got him closer and closer to the future he was inwardly trying so hard to avoid.
If he'd known a way to smother his soul he'd definitely done it, just to spare himself the unimaginable agony his parents plans inflicted on him.
True enough, his parents were already working just as hard on squishing the person living inside the shell that was his body. Yet they'd never succeeded either. And Hyo-shin didn't know where that inexhaustible resilience came from.
It seemed the only way to end this suffering truly was to put an end to his life. This time for sure.
Obviously there was no other way to get rid of this feeling inside of him that turned every living second of his existence into hell on earth.
And he'd tried to put an end to his suffering. Many times.
He couldn't recall how many nights he'd spent in the bathroom, the blade of his razor applied to his skin, kissing the flesh at the inside of his wrists with hopeless despair. But everytime he'd knelt on that cold tiled floor (he wouldn't do it in the bath-tub, he wanted his mother to see the mess he'd made - the mess they'd made), he hesitated.
Maybe it was because he could feel his own pulse, fast and strong - alive - as he forced the blade to go deeper and deeper, or maybe he was afraid he wouldn't succeed in making a clean cut because the tears in his eyes were welling up so bad he could hardly see. And he had to succeed, this time he had to by all means.
As it was though, he always ended up failing to cut his own wrists, leaving only a small mark where he'd set the razor. And everytime it left him reeling even more, torn up inside. He couldn't do it. Even though he knew he needed to.
By then he didn't care what would happen to his soul in the after-life. Whether it went straight to burn in pandemonium or was reborn with karma that was even worse than the one he was living through now - he didn't care. Cause.. how much worse could it get?
Hyo-shin humourlessly chuckled to himself. Even now his soul was nothing more than a tattered rag, he doubted either hell or the universe would care much about such a fucked up thing.
And smiling to himself Hyo-shin went up the stairs to the roof - his sanctuary -, taking each step with a consciousness and silent expectation it almost felt to him like the calm before a storm.
For once he was certain about how his life should turn out and he enjoyed the tension as it started to thrum through his body, pulling his muscles taut.
His plan, well-ordered and carefully laid out in some part of his brain, was now within his reach again. His head was clearing up like the stormy sky after the rain had ceased to fall. He saw it clearly now. Knew what he had to do.
He'd spent far too much time with Tan lately, he figured. Or else he wouldn't let that rebellious flame flare up within him yet another time - refusing to bow to his fate. It started to burn somewhere in his heart, consuming him, blazing up till there was nothing left but cinders. And suddenly he felt fearless, almost invincible. Almost ready to take that last step off this roof - despite his fear of heights.
And as he opened the door to the top of the building, Hyo-shin was ready. His goal in mind, anticipatory of the relief that would soon consume him awhole, he took a step out... and hesitated.
Hyo-shin gazed at the lone figure on the rooftop, his resolve weakening.
No. He couldn't go.
Not yet.
Not now.
Not when he'd just come upon the only other person he knew that was so desperately trying to exist, she was almost killing herself with it.
He couldn't jump.
No, he couldn't.
Not today.
A/N: As you see I twist and bend the characters to my liking but I hope you're still able to recognise them. Of course I know Hyo-shin most likely isn't afraid of heights, he spends more than enough time on the roof to after all, but the paradox thought that he might be completely did me in. I just couldn't resist the temptation, sorry.