VI - I've seen it coming
A Don/Ryan one-shot acting as a sequel to 'The Pain of Pawns', 'Driven into a corner I'll fight', 'Quiet Lullaby', 'Drowned in Sorrow' and 'Things Unspoken'. This is part of the series I decided to call 'Sunless Days'.
Again dedicated to lausi_gm who's been telling me she's awaiting some angst. ;-)) Go read her fics, she's the Don/Ryan-goddess, needless to say I need MOOOORE.
Title: I've seen it coming
Pairing: Ryan/Don
Rating: Rated NC-17 - just to be on the safe side
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI Miami or CSI New York.
Warning: Kinda AU as the prequels, violence, blood and uhh.. Angst, I guess
Summary: One-shot
'As if a higher power had commanded it, I rush to save you. Without thinking, without feeling. You're the only thing I need and without you I can't think and I can't feel.'
A/N: This fic is not beta-ed so if you find any errors, please let me know
I've seen it coming
Step after step.
That's what they always say.
Most of the time Ryan heeded the advice - but there were moments when he did not.
Today, for example.
He'd been so happy Don had called him to ask if he was in the mood to go out for food, Ryan couldn't help himself but hurry along the street.
Of course, he was in the mood to dine with Don, even if it was past 8 pm and he'd already eaten. Needless to say, he hadn't told Don that.
Ryan had been off work since 4 pm and the actual plan for today had been that he would wait at home till Don arrived. They would have had a snack, watched a movie, taken a bath together, or something. And it wasn't that Ryan hadn't looked forward to that but the hours had crept along and the time simply didn't seem to pass.
That's why Ryan had all but yanked on his good pair of jeans and stormed out of the apartment like a creature possessed when Don called.
He felt electrified, almost as if his body was attached to a power station. Maybe he was humming like that, too.
Don and him hadn't had time to simply sit and talk all week. They'd been so busy with their jobs that most days they'd opted for cuddling in bed, too tired to talk. On other days the timing hadn't added up and one of them ended up sitting at home alone while the other was at work. It had been a little frustrating to say the least.
Exalted that it had worked out this time, Ryan stood in the subway, feeling impatient. Fingers drumming against the pole, Ryan wondered if the train had always been crawling like this.
He glanced at the people around him but they didn't seem bothered by the speed of the train at all, so he guessed it was just his own imagination and he sighed.
When his stop finally arrived though, Ryan made himself take a few deep breaths before he stepped off the train, in a much slower step this time.
'Calm down', Ryan told himself. 'Don's probably had a hard day, so your bubbly excitement would only tire him out more.'
Don.
At the thought of his lover his chest filled with a star-shower of warmth, the traces of a smile gracing his lips.
Only ten more minutes, then he would get to see his lover again, take him in his arms, kiss the lips he dreamed of at night.
Walking through the train-station, Ryan felt content and awake and he used the opportunity to study the advertisements on the wall while he walked. Frankly, he hadn't had any time yet to really realise that he was here, in New York, with Don. Or maybe he had realised that he was with Don.. but not that he was in New York. A pity, actually. New York was a beautiful city with a unique air. He'd always wanted to spent some time in New York and now he was living here, thanks to Don.. maybe till the rest of his life.
Ryan smiled.
Till the end of his life... that sounded good.
New York was exactly what he wanted.
And with Don.. it was perfect.
One advertisement caught his eye and he stopped to look at it intrigued. A typical perfume-ad with a woman and man close to each other, their eyes meeting.
'They're looking at each other like Don and me', Ryan thought and realised that it was true. He hadn't ever looked at anyone like that before, and above all, he hadn't had anybody to regard him with so much love as well.
Smiling fondly, Ryan kept on walking again, leaving the station and heading for the Police Department Don worked at.
When he came closer he could already see Don's form outside the building. And as if he'd felt it, Don turned and smiled as he saw Ryan approach. Seemingly unwilling to wait, he started towards Ryan, meeting him halfway.
Don glanced at his watch. “Didn't expect to to be here this early. Did you fly or somethin'?”
Ryan grinned, squeezing his lover's hand discreetly while he glimpsed past Don at the police officer standing at a car a few feet away. “Couldn't wait much longer. You still got work to do?”
Realising Ryan had noticed the police officer waiting for him, Don nodded. “Yeah”, he said, his gaze wandering to a person sitting in the car. “Gotta help to bring that suspect in, but don't worry, it won't take long. Paperwork has been already finished by a colleague. Want to wait out here in the meantime?”
Don gestured to the police officer to get the man out of the car, turning half-way.
“Yeah, sure”, Ryan mumbled, eyes straying to the man who stepped out of the car. He had neatly trimmed hair, his clothes were clean and if he hadn't been handcuffed you would have thought he was one of the people you met at the subway every day. Maybe he had some time; met him, that is.
It were the man's movements that first caught Ryan's attention. There was something wrong with it, though he couldn't say what it was or why.
The guy was unremarkable, a man you wouldn't remember later on. He was a person that blended into the crowd.. if it weren't for his eyes. There was something in them.. something Ryan didn't like. Or maybe it was the lack of something that unsettled Ryan. They were cold and indifferent; simply... dead.
His ex-lover had had eyes like these. Now that he thought about it, he noticed the guy moved like his ex-lover, too. Every step, every gesture had the very way his ex-lover had had, subtle and efficient. It was the efficiency combined with those eyes that bothered Ryan. Men like these were ruthless.
Ryan's body tensed instinctively and just as Don was about to turn away, Ryan shot out his arm and grabbed his lover's sleeve.
“Don”, he said with a lowered voice that immediately caught his lover's attention. It was unlike Ryan to use that tone. Don regarded Ryan with a questioning gaze but the younger man didn't look at him, his eyes anchored on the suspect.
“What's wrong?” Don prompted.
Ryan's gaze didn't waver. He took a breath, and seemed to hesitate before he uttered, “you better be careful with this one, all right?”
Don smiled. “Is your patrol-instinct kicking in?”
“I mean it, Don”, Ryan said with a frown, never meeting his lover's eyes even once.
Don's expression turned serious.
Whenever Ryan had that look on his face it was better to heed his advice. He knew the shadow in his lover's green eyes wasn't there for nothing. Ryan had developed a weird instinct about things like this. Somehow his lover always seemed to know who was violent under the surface and who was not.
And until now, he'd been right.
Though Don was as fascinated by Ryan's additional sense as he was creeped out by it, his lover didn't consider it mentionable. For him, it seemed, it had become a part of who he was - it was as if Ryan's body and soul had created an alarm-system for his lover to warn him about those people; people who could turn out to be a danger.
Don took Ryan's hand briefly in his, squeezing it reassuringly. “Don't worry. I'll be back in a minute.” Finally Ryan moved, reacting to his lover's touch slowly, hesitatingly. And for the first time after noticing the suspect, Ryan turned his gaze back to Don, looking at him blankly.
He didn't seem extra-ordinarily worried or anxious but that was probably because Ryan still wasn't quite himself at the moment, mind still on the suspect as he forced himself to pay attention to Don. In the meantime his instinct screamed at him not to take his eyes off the possible origin of danger.
In the end, Ryan didn't say anything, just nodded. Don waited for a second if Ryan was about to say anything else but Ryan didn't seem to be capable to shake his feeling off, still preoccupied. So Don sent him one last reassuring look before he turned and walked towards the two men waiting at the curb.
Ryan watched silently as Don strode over to the two men, eyes taking in every detail. Then he took a deep breath and turned away forcefully.
Don would take care of it, he was sure about that.
He was a good detective.
Don would be able to handle that guy.
'Yes', Ryan thought, 'there's no need to worry. Don had said he would manage.'
Being right about certain things was a feeling everyone enjoyed once in a while.
With his OCD Ryan almost felt painfully obliged to do things right, hating every single mistake he made.
Sometimes though, Ryan wished he'd been wrong all along.
Hearing the sudden tell-tale sounds of a brawl Ryan decided that such a moment had arrived. And when his gaze turned back to the direction of the buildings entrance, he couldn't see anything. There were only a pair of feet showing before the balustrade of the stairs blocked the sight, but Ryan knew.
He knew.
Those feet belonged to the police officer... and the way how they were positioned, toes up and heels horizontal on the ground, there was no doubt left the man was off his feet.
It was the sight of the obviously knocked-out-cold police officer that brought him into motion.
He could make out the grunts, the hisses and the sound of knuckles hitting bone the closer he got, so Ryan had to assume the brawl was still on-going.
He guessed they'd been about to make their way up the stairs when the suspect revolted and Ryan knew from patrol that suspects always seemed inclined to bulk whenever the entrance of the police department was near. It was like the last flare of revolution as they realised they were in big trouble; the prospect of their fears becoming real once they were forced to enter the building caused them to bulk.
Ryan couldn't see neither Don nor the suspect. His lover must be on the ground, he reasoned, which was why he couldn't see Don.
Ryan's heart thumped as he sprinted over, the strange haze of calm alertness still clouding his mind.
And then he was there.
The moment he saw the suspect lashing out at his lover repeatedly, something in him... switched. It was like changing the channel and Ryan didn't remember ever having been on the channel before.
It took a hold of him and he couldn't get out of it.
Somehow it reminded him of a TV-announcement in case of national emergencies, and wherever you switched you couldn't find any channel that didn't broadcast the same program.
Yes, it was like Ryan's own emergency-broadcast where the president announced the steps everyone had to take 'cause... Ryan didn't think as he closed the distance between the two figures on the floor, it was like a mental order and he obeyed.
It was a case of emergency and his mind told him there was only one thing he could do to moderate the catastrophe that was going to happen. There was only one thing he could do to survive this.
Don had to live.
There was no fear in him when he grabbed the now very uncuffed man and jerked him away from his lover. Maybe it was his determination or sheer instinct, he didn't know, all he knew was that he didn't hesitate to all but jump on the 'attacker' and do some attacking of his own.
Something in him had iced over.
There was no rational thought left in his mind as he tried to restraint the man under him, giving in to the emergency-broadcast in his head. He followed the lead his instinct offered.
And every emergency situation started with the same question: Fight or Flight?
Ryan had had to wager the option and choose.
In this case, there was only one option: Fight.
His mind came up with the emergency plan for Option 1 as quickly as a super-computer and Ryan did as he was told, always quick to follow orders.
It was a plan that was born out of the primal instinct every creature possessed, it was natural. It was effective.
Step 1: Threaten the attacker.
Step 2: Attack if threatening hadn't been efficient.
Step 3: Threaten again, maybe the attacker will back down.
Step 4: Attack again.
Step 5: Flight or Fight. Back down if you can, kill if you can't.
There was no rational thought for quite a while.
The man still struggled, still fought, still didn't back down though he was clearly inferior. Nevertheless he tried to retaliate and Ryan kept attacking. He kept following his inner plan till he felt a hand on his shoulder, kindly but determinedly pulling him away.
Ryan didn't see anything but the bloody face of the suspect.
There was no sound reaching his ears but his own voice as he hissed, “you fucking bastard dare hurt my lover?!” It was a primal sound, like the hissing of a cat and Ryan's body was tense, ready to attack yet again should the need present itself. But he didn't, placated by the hand on his shoulder that told him to stop.
There was a voice calling his name, the touching of skin and suddenly a face appeared in his line of vision.
Don's blue eyes were the only reason why Ryan was suddenly startled out of the trance-like state he'd been in. Ryan flinched and frankly, Don jumped as well, still a little uncertain if his lover had recognised him in his beastlike state. Never before had he seen Ryan so protective.
But Ryan had shown a reaction and Don could see the flicker of awareness in the green eyes. Using the opportunity Don tightened his hands on the younger man's shoulders. “Ryan. Snap out of it.”
Ryan gazed at Don's face.
And in a second all sounds returned. He could hear the moans of the man he'd hit, the rustling of the slowly waking police officer's clothes as he stirred on the floor and among those sounds there was Don's voice, urging him to come back to full awareness.
Ryan recognised the familiar red of new bruises forming on Don's face and his gaze fastened on the suspect on the ground as he finally realised what had happened. The man's face was a bloody mess and Ryan lifted his hand to examine his knuckles. They were red with blood.
He'd attacked.
Hell, he'd attacked!
His breathing became irregular.
He'd hit another person. He hadn't just tried to knock him out in the line of duty, he'd punched the man and he didn't remember having any logical thought while he had done it. If Don hadn't stopped him... if he hadn't stopped him, he probably would have kept on beating the guy senseless, following the primal-plan down till the end.
This hadn't been like last time. This had had nothing to do with the fight at the harbour, Ryan had been completely out of it.
Hell, he could have killed that man.
Suddenly Ryan felt sick.
He still couldn't quite grasp what Don was saying and his lover might have been aware of that too, because he pulled Ryan to the side the minute he saw the young man pale dangerously fast.
Seized by a wave of horror he hadn't felt in a long time, Ryan bent over and started to dry-heave, his stomach revolting. He breathed hard.
Oh God.
He'd been violent.
He'd been like him.
The world blurred and then came back into focus again.
In and out it went, like his breathing.
There was warmth at his side. Then it was gone. A short time later it was back there again.
There was a murmur and then only hissing silence.
Sounds - Silence.
Blurry - focused.
It took him a few minutes until Ryan finally felt the nausea abate and he once again started to notice things for real this time.
The suspect was gone, as was the police officer. Don must have been gone as well, even if it had been just for a short time. He must have helped taking the now subdued suspect in, because he'd felt Don's presence vanish and then appear at his side again. That had been the loss of warmth, he realised.
Ryan felt as if he'd just awoken from a very long night's sleep, with the dull brain-function and bleariness and all.
Don was there rubbing soothing circles on his back as Ryan stood exhausted and seemingly paralysed. “It's okay, baby”, Don gently murmured, over and over. 'Oh.. that's been the murmur', Ryan dully noticed, eyes half-closed as he stared straight ahead at nothing in particular.
Had he really failed the way he thought he had?
Had he really fucked up the way he felt he had?
Had he really violated a suspect and caused Don do comfort him while Don had actually been the one hurt and in need of comfort?
Ryan felt like crying and his eyes watered, but he was simply too tired to cry. He cursed himself in his head. What had he done? Why the hell was he such a fucked-up person?
“Everything's gonna be okay. I'm here, babe”, Don murmured again and Ryan turned to look at him tearfully.
“How can you even stand being here with me?” he asked irritatedly.
Don didn't blink once as he gazed at his lover seriously. “I'm glad to be where I am. It's the only place I want to be, where I need to be.”
“You're a fool if you think so!” Ryan exploded. He shook Don's hands off in a sudden bout of disgust, not able to stand the thought of Don's kind hands becoming defiled while touching Ryan.
He felt tears slip out of his eyes and he wiped them away angrily. A sob wrecked his body. “Great”, he whispered. “Now I'm yelling at you. First I beat the crap out of a defenceless, hand-cuffed man and then I hurt my lover while all I wanted was to protect you. Hell.. I'm fucking brilliant.”
Don reinstated the grip he had on Ryan, trying to catch green eyes with his own. “That man wasn't defenceless and you did protect me, or else my face would be swollen shut by now. If I'd been knocked out that suspect might have gotten away but you stopped him, Ryan.”
Ryan rubbed his temple with a frown. “Yeah, well, at least he might have gotten away with his nose still intact. I was so out of it.”
Don shook his head, grabbing both of Ryan's upper arms and shaking him to get his attention. “Cut it, Ryan. You've had a moment of mental idleness because you've been forced to act quickly, it's happened to all of us. It's happened to a lot of my men, to Danny, certainly it had happened to our neighbour as well - you know, the mother living beside us? Hell, it's even happened to me.”
Ryan sniffled, looking at the floor and back at Don again.
Don caught his eyes and put all his reassurance there. “By the way, you were hissing most of the time anyway. - And in case you hadn't noticed: a broken nose bleeds a lot, you didn't get him too bad. I pulled you away before you could land the forth punch, so don't worry. The guy will be fine, he's been getting what he deserved.”
Ryan took a shaky breath. “I-I hit him three times?”
“Yes”, Don said, “And he punched you. You had to hit him, uhh well, maybe the third punch wasn't necessary - but the two others were definitely adequate.” He thumbed Ryan's cheek carefully and summoned a smile. “That's going to be a nice swelling, you know.”
Blinking, Ryan lifted his fingers to touch his cheek gingerly, wincing as he indeed found an area that was slightly hot and throbbing dully. “I didn't notice”, Ryan mumbled absently.
Don chuckled. “Thought so. You fought like a tiger, there.”
If it was Don's reasonable argumentation or the soothing tone of his voice, he didn't know but suddenly a small smile tugged at his lips.
Don pulled him into his arms.
For a while they just stood and enjoyed the presence of each other. The sounds of late New York thrumming steadily in the background. Slowly Ryan relaxed.
Okay, he had broken the man's nose.
Okay, he had experienced a black-out.
But at least he did regret it, a thing his ex-lover hadn't quite managed in all the years he'd been hitting Ryan.
And now that Ryan knew, maybe he could learn how to avoid it. Maybe he could do some mental work and create a walk-through for situations like this.
It wasn't too late for him.
He could learn how to control himself better.
And he wanted to. Unlike his ex-lover, he did care about others and he definitely wanted to improve so a slip like this wouldn't happen again.
For the moment though, he was just glad Don had been there to pull him away.
Smiling to himself as warmth flooded him, he listened to his lover's heartbeat. Steady and strong. Don was always there when he needed him.
Sighing a small sigh, Ryan shifted slightly. “I guess I kind of ruined our evening out, huh?”
Don's hands caressed his back gently. “No, babe, you didn't. It was that idiot. Should have punched him for that, don't you think?”
Ryan chuckled.
Again there was a moment in which they just breathed, completely in sync with each other. It was as if every breath they took brought them closer; connected them more. It was heaven.
Don hummed. “You know, I would prefer to eat at home, though. At least at home I could use the meat to cool my bruised face before you cook it.”
Ryan laughed, a sound Don liked more than any other. It was beautiful. He was beautiful.“Let's go home, babe.”
They reluctantly parted and Don offered his hand, which Ryan took gently, intertwining their fingers with a smile of complete contentment. Then Ryan hesitated. “Don't you need to finish up things inside?”
“Nah, they'll be able to handle the rest. The only thing I need to do is write a report and this I can do at home.” Don gently pulled on Ryan's hand so he would start walking and the younger man fell into step with him easily.
He quickly leaned over to steal a kiss and when he did, he gave in to the temptation to linger as soon as Ryan pressed back. Don enjoyed the contact, content to kiss his lover's soft lips. Ryan obviously though, didn't think so and he ran his tongue over Don's bottom lip. Then he pulled back.
Don grinned. “You're such a tease. Let's find out if you can do the tiger for me in the bed-room as well, shall we?”
Ryan's answering laugh echoed off the walls of New York like a golden bell and the two figures walked away hands entwined.
Again dedicated to lausi_gm who's been telling me she's awaiting some angst. ;-)) Go read her fics, she's the Don/Ryan-goddess, needless to say I need MOOOORE.
Title: I've seen it coming
Pairing: Ryan/Don
Rating: Rated NC-17 - just to be on the safe side
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI Miami or CSI New York.
Warning: Kinda AU as the prequels, violence, blood and uhh.. Angst, I guess
Summary: One-shot
'As if a higher power had commanded it, I rush to save you. Without thinking, without feeling. You're the only thing I need and without you I can't think and I can't feel.'
A/N: This fic is not beta-ed so if you find any errors, please let me know
I've seen it coming
Step after step.
That's what they always say.
Most of the time Ryan heeded the advice - but there were moments when he did not.
Today, for example.
He'd been so happy Don had called him to ask if he was in the mood to go out for food, Ryan couldn't help himself but hurry along the street.
Of course, he was in the mood to dine with Don, even if it was past 8 pm and he'd already eaten. Needless to say, he hadn't told Don that.
Ryan had been off work since 4 pm and the actual plan for today had been that he would wait at home till Don arrived. They would have had a snack, watched a movie, taken a bath together, or something. And it wasn't that Ryan hadn't looked forward to that but the hours had crept along and the time simply didn't seem to pass.
That's why Ryan had all but yanked on his good pair of jeans and stormed out of the apartment like a creature possessed when Don called.
He felt electrified, almost as if his body was attached to a power station. Maybe he was humming like that, too.
Don and him hadn't had time to simply sit and talk all week. They'd been so busy with their jobs that most days they'd opted for cuddling in bed, too tired to talk. On other days the timing hadn't added up and one of them ended up sitting at home alone while the other was at work. It had been a little frustrating to say the least.
Exalted that it had worked out this time, Ryan stood in the subway, feeling impatient. Fingers drumming against the pole, Ryan wondered if the train had always been crawling like this.
He glanced at the people around him but they didn't seem bothered by the speed of the train at all, so he guessed it was just his own imagination and he sighed.
When his stop finally arrived though, Ryan made himself take a few deep breaths before he stepped off the train, in a much slower step this time.
'Calm down', Ryan told himself. 'Don's probably had a hard day, so your bubbly excitement would only tire him out more.'
Don.
At the thought of his lover his chest filled with a star-shower of warmth, the traces of a smile gracing his lips.
Only ten more minutes, then he would get to see his lover again, take him in his arms, kiss the lips he dreamed of at night.
Walking through the train-station, Ryan felt content and awake and he used the opportunity to study the advertisements on the wall while he walked. Frankly, he hadn't had any time yet to really realise that he was here, in New York, with Don. Or maybe he had realised that he was with Don.. but not that he was in New York. A pity, actually. New York was a beautiful city with a unique air. He'd always wanted to spent some time in New York and now he was living here, thanks to Don.. maybe till the rest of his life.
Ryan smiled.
Till the end of his life... that sounded good.
New York was exactly what he wanted.
And with Don.. it was perfect.
One advertisement caught his eye and he stopped to look at it intrigued. A typical perfume-ad with a woman and man close to each other, their eyes meeting.
'They're looking at each other like Don and me', Ryan thought and realised that it was true. He hadn't ever looked at anyone like that before, and above all, he hadn't had anybody to regard him with so much love as well.
Smiling fondly, Ryan kept on walking again, leaving the station and heading for the Police Department Don worked at.
When he came closer he could already see Don's form outside the building. And as if he'd felt it, Don turned and smiled as he saw Ryan approach. Seemingly unwilling to wait, he started towards Ryan, meeting him halfway.
Don glanced at his watch. “Didn't expect to to be here this early. Did you fly or somethin'?”
Ryan grinned, squeezing his lover's hand discreetly while he glimpsed past Don at the police officer standing at a car a few feet away. “Couldn't wait much longer. You still got work to do?”
Realising Ryan had noticed the police officer waiting for him, Don nodded. “Yeah”, he said, his gaze wandering to a person sitting in the car. “Gotta help to bring that suspect in, but don't worry, it won't take long. Paperwork has been already finished by a colleague. Want to wait out here in the meantime?”
Don gestured to the police officer to get the man out of the car, turning half-way.
“Yeah, sure”, Ryan mumbled, eyes straying to the man who stepped out of the car. He had neatly trimmed hair, his clothes were clean and if he hadn't been handcuffed you would have thought he was one of the people you met at the subway every day. Maybe he had some time; met him, that is.
It were the man's movements that first caught Ryan's attention. There was something wrong with it, though he couldn't say what it was or why.
The guy was unremarkable, a man you wouldn't remember later on. He was a person that blended into the crowd.. if it weren't for his eyes. There was something in them.. something Ryan didn't like. Or maybe it was the lack of something that unsettled Ryan. They were cold and indifferent; simply... dead.
His ex-lover had had eyes like these. Now that he thought about it, he noticed the guy moved like his ex-lover, too. Every step, every gesture had the very way his ex-lover had had, subtle and efficient. It was the efficiency combined with those eyes that bothered Ryan. Men like these were ruthless.
Ryan's body tensed instinctively and just as Don was about to turn away, Ryan shot out his arm and grabbed his lover's sleeve.
“Don”, he said with a lowered voice that immediately caught his lover's attention. It was unlike Ryan to use that tone. Don regarded Ryan with a questioning gaze but the younger man didn't look at him, his eyes anchored on the suspect.
“What's wrong?” Don prompted.
Ryan's gaze didn't waver. He took a breath, and seemed to hesitate before he uttered, “you better be careful with this one, all right?”
Don smiled. “Is your patrol-instinct kicking in?”
“I mean it, Don”, Ryan said with a frown, never meeting his lover's eyes even once.
Don's expression turned serious.
Whenever Ryan had that look on his face it was better to heed his advice. He knew the shadow in his lover's green eyes wasn't there for nothing. Ryan had developed a weird instinct about things like this. Somehow his lover always seemed to know who was violent under the surface and who was not.
And until now, he'd been right.
Though Don was as fascinated by Ryan's additional sense as he was creeped out by it, his lover didn't consider it mentionable. For him, it seemed, it had become a part of who he was - it was as if Ryan's body and soul had created an alarm-system for his lover to warn him about those people; people who could turn out to be a danger.
Don took Ryan's hand briefly in his, squeezing it reassuringly. “Don't worry. I'll be back in a minute.” Finally Ryan moved, reacting to his lover's touch slowly, hesitatingly. And for the first time after noticing the suspect, Ryan turned his gaze back to Don, looking at him blankly.
He didn't seem extra-ordinarily worried or anxious but that was probably because Ryan still wasn't quite himself at the moment, mind still on the suspect as he forced himself to pay attention to Don. In the meantime his instinct screamed at him not to take his eyes off the possible origin of danger.
In the end, Ryan didn't say anything, just nodded. Don waited for a second if Ryan was about to say anything else but Ryan didn't seem to be capable to shake his feeling off, still preoccupied. So Don sent him one last reassuring look before he turned and walked towards the two men waiting at the curb.
Ryan watched silently as Don strode over to the two men, eyes taking in every detail. Then he took a deep breath and turned away forcefully.
Don would take care of it, he was sure about that.
He was a good detective.
Don would be able to handle that guy.
'Yes', Ryan thought, 'there's no need to worry. Don had said he would manage.'
Being right about certain things was a feeling everyone enjoyed once in a while.
With his OCD Ryan almost felt painfully obliged to do things right, hating every single mistake he made.
Sometimes though, Ryan wished he'd been wrong all along.
Hearing the sudden tell-tale sounds of a brawl Ryan decided that such a moment had arrived. And when his gaze turned back to the direction of the buildings entrance, he couldn't see anything. There were only a pair of feet showing before the balustrade of the stairs blocked the sight, but Ryan knew.
He knew.
Those feet belonged to the police officer... and the way how they were positioned, toes up and heels horizontal on the ground, there was no doubt left the man was off his feet.
It was the sight of the obviously knocked-out-cold police officer that brought him into motion.
He could make out the grunts, the hisses and the sound of knuckles hitting bone the closer he got, so Ryan had to assume the brawl was still on-going.
He guessed they'd been about to make their way up the stairs when the suspect revolted and Ryan knew from patrol that suspects always seemed inclined to bulk whenever the entrance of the police department was near. It was like the last flare of revolution as they realised they were in big trouble; the prospect of their fears becoming real once they were forced to enter the building caused them to bulk.
Ryan couldn't see neither Don nor the suspect. His lover must be on the ground, he reasoned, which was why he couldn't see Don.
Ryan's heart thumped as he sprinted over, the strange haze of calm alertness still clouding his mind.
And then he was there.
The moment he saw the suspect lashing out at his lover repeatedly, something in him... switched. It was like changing the channel and Ryan didn't remember ever having been on the channel before.
It took a hold of him and he couldn't get out of it.
Somehow it reminded him of a TV-announcement in case of national emergencies, and wherever you switched you couldn't find any channel that didn't broadcast the same program.
Yes, it was like Ryan's own emergency-broadcast where the president announced the steps everyone had to take 'cause... Ryan didn't think as he closed the distance between the two figures on the floor, it was like a mental order and he obeyed.
It was a case of emergency and his mind told him there was only one thing he could do to moderate the catastrophe that was going to happen. There was only one thing he could do to survive this.
Don had to live.
There was no fear in him when he grabbed the now very uncuffed man and jerked him away from his lover. Maybe it was his determination or sheer instinct, he didn't know, all he knew was that he didn't hesitate to all but jump on the 'attacker' and do some attacking of his own.
Something in him had iced over.
There was no rational thought left in his mind as he tried to restraint the man under him, giving in to the emergency-broadcast in his head. He followed the lead his instinct offered.
And every emergency situation started with the same question: Fight or Flight?
Ryan had had to wager the option and choose.
In this case, there was only one option: Fight.
His mind came up with the emergency plan for Option 1 as quickly as a super-computer and Ryan did as he was told, always quick to follow orders.
It was a plan that was born out of the primal instinct every creature possessed, it was natural. It was effective.
Step 1: Threaten the attacker.
Step 2: Attack if threatening hadn't been efficient.
Step 3: Threaten again, maybe the attacker will back down.
Step 4: Attack again.
Step 5: Flight or Fight. Back down if you can, kill if you can't.
There was no rational thought for quite a while.
The man still struggled, still fought, still didn't back down though he was clearly inferior. Nevertheless he tried to retaliate and Ryan kept attacking. He kept following his inner plan till he felt a hand on his shoulder, kindly but determinedly pulling him away.
Ryan didn't see anything but the bloody face of the suspect.
There was no sound reaching his ears but his own voice as he hissed, “you fucking bastard dare hurt my lover?!” It was a primal sound, like the hissing of a cat and Ryan's body was tense, ready to attack yet again should the need present itself. But he didn't, placated by the hand on his shoulder that told him to stop.
There was a voice calling his name, the touching of skin and suddenly a face appeared in his line of vision.
Don's blue eyes were the only reason why Ryan was suddenly startled out of the trance-like state he'd been in. Ryan flinched and frankly, Don jumped as well, still a little uncertain if his lover had recognised him in his beastlike state. Never before had he seen Ryan so protective.
But Ryan had shown a reaction and Don could see the flicker of awareness in the green eyes. Using the opportunity Don tightened his hands on the younger man's shoulders. “Ryan. Snap out of it.”
Ryan gazed at Don's face.
And in a second all sounds returned. He could hear the moans of the man he'd hit, the rustling of the slowly waking police officer's clothes as he stirred on the floor and among those sounds there was Don's voice, urging him to come back to full awareness.
Ryan recognised the familiar red of new bruises forming on Don's face and his gaze fastened on the suspect on the ground as he finally realised what had happened. The man's face was a bloody mess and Ryan lifted his hand to examine his knuckles. They were red with blood.
He'd attacked.
Hell, he'd attacked!
His breathing became irregular.
He'd hit another person. He hadn't just tried to knock him out in the line of duty, he'd punched the man and he didn't remember having any logical thought while he had done it. If Don hadn't stopped him... if he hadn't stopped him, he probably would have kept on beating the guy senseless, following the primal-plan down till the end.
This hadn't been like last time. This had had nothing to do with the fight at the harbour, Ryan had been completely out of it.
Hell, he could have killed that man.
Suddenly Ryan felt sick.
He still couldn't quite grasp what Don was saying and his lover might have been aware of that too, because he pulled Ryan to the side the minute he saw the young man pale dangerously fast.
Seized by a wave of horror he hadn't felt in a long time, Ryan bent over and started to dry-heave, his stomach revolting. He breathed hard.
Oh God.
He'd been violent.
He'd been like him.
The world blurred and then came back into focus again.
In and out it went, like his breathing.
There was warmth at his side. Then it was gone. A short time later it was back there again.
There was a murmur and then only hissing silence.
Sounds - Silence.
Blurry - focused.
It took him a few minutes until Ryan finally felt the nausea abate and he once again started to notice things for real this time.
The suspect was gone, as was the police officer. Don must have been gone as well, even if it had been just for a short time. He must have helped taking the now subdued suspect in, because he'd felt Don's presence vanish and then appear at his side again. That had been the loss of warmth, he realised.
Ryan felt as if he'd just awoken from a very long night's sleep, with the dull brain-function and bleariness and all.
Don was there rubbing soothing circles on his back as Ryan stood exhausted and seemingly paralysed. “It's okay, baby”, Don gently murmured, over and over. 'Oh.. that's been the murmur', Ryan dully noticed, eyes half-closed as he stared straight ahead at nothing in particular.
Had he really failed the way he thought he had?
Had he really fucked up the way he felt he had?
Had he really violated a suspect and caused Don do comfort him while Don had actually been the one hurt and in need of comfort?
Ryan felt like crying and his eyes watered, but he was simply too tired to cry. He cursed himself in his head. What had he done? Why the hell was he such a fucked-up person?
“Everything's gonna be okay. I'm here, babe”, Don murmured again and Ryan turned to look at him tearfully.
“How can you even stand being here with me?” he asked irritatedly.
Don didn't blink once as he gazed at his lover seriously. “I'm glad to be where I am. It's the only place I want to be, where I need to be.”
“You're a fool if you think so!” Ryan exploded. He shook Don's hands off in a sudden bout of disgust, not able to stand the thought of Don's kind hands becoming defiled while touching Ryan.
He felt tears slip out of his eyes and he wiped them away angrily. A sob wrecked his body. “Great”, he whispered. “Now I'm yelling at you. First I beat the crap out of a defenceless, hand-cuffed man and then I hurt my lover while all I wanted was to protect you. Hell.. I'm fucking brilliant.”
Don reinstated the grip he had on Ryan, trying to catch green eyes with his own. “That man wasn't defenceless and you did protect me, or else my face would be swollen shut by now. If I'd been knocked out that suspect might have gotten away but you stopped him, Ryan.”
Ryan rubbed his temple with a frown. “Yeah, well, at least he might have gotten away with his nose still intact. I was so out of it.”
Don shook his head, grabbing both of Ryan's upper arms and shaking him to get his attention. “Cut it, Ryan. You've had a moment of mental idleness because you've been forced to act quickly, it's happened to all of us. It's happened to a lot of my men, to Danny, certainly it had happened to our neighbour as well - you know, the mother living beside us? Hell, it's even happened to me.”
Ryan sniffled, looking at the floor and back at Don again.
Don caught his eyes and put all his reassurance there. “By the way, you were hissing most of the time anyway. - And in case you hadn't noticed: a broken nose bleeds a lot, you didn't get him too bad. I pulled you away before you could land the forth punch, so don't worry. The guy will be fine, he's been getting what he deserved.”
Ryan took a shaky breath. “I-I hit him three times?”
“Yes”, Don said, “And he punched you. You had to hit him, uhh well, maybe the third punch wasn't necessary - but the two others were definitely adequate.” He thumbed Ryan's cheek carefully and summoned a smile. “That's going to be a nice swelling, you know.”
Blinking, Ryan lifted his fingers to touch his cheek gingerly, wincing as he indeed found an area that was slightly hot and throbbing dully. “I didn't notice”, Ryan mumbled absently.
Don chuckled. “Thought so. You fought like a tiger, there.”
If it was Don's reasonable argumentation or the soothing tone of his voice, he didn't know but suddenly a small smile tugged at his lips.
Don pulled him into his arms.
For a while they just stood and enjoyed the presence of each other. The sounds of late New York thrumming steadily in the background. Slowly Ryan relaxed.
Okay, he had broken the man's nose.
Okay, he had experienced a black-out.
But at least he did regret it, a thing his ex-lover hadn't quite managed in all the years he'd been hitting Ryan.
And now that Ryan knew, maybe he could learn how to avoid it. Maybe he could do some mental work and create a walk-through for situations like this.
It wasn't too late for him.
He could learn how to control himself better.
And he wanted to. Unlike his ex-lover, he did care about others and he definitely wanted to improve so a slip like this wouldn't happen again.
For the moment though, he was just glad Don had been there to pull him away.
Smiling to himself as warmth flooded him, he listened to his lover's heartbeat. Steady and strong. Don was always there when he needed him.
Sighing a small sigh, Ryan shifted slightly. “I guess I kind of ruined our evening out, huh?”
Don's hands caressed his back gently. “No, babe, you didn't. It was that idiot. Should have punched him for that, don't you think?”
Ryan chuckled.
Again there was a moment in which they just breathed, completely in sync with each other. It was as if every breath they took brought them closer; connected them more. It was heaven.
Don hummed. “You know, I would prefer to eat at home, though. At least at home I could use the meat to cool my bruised face before you cook it.”
Ryan laughed, a sound Don liked more than any other. It was beautiful. He was beautiful.“Let's go home, babe.”
They reluctantly parted and Don offered his hand, which Ryan took gently, intertwining their fingers with a smile of complete contentment. Then Ryan hesitated. “Don't you need to finish up things inside?”
“Nah, they'll be able to handle the rest. The only thing I need to do is write a report and this I can do at home.” Don gently pulled on Ryan's hand so he would start walking and the younger man fell into step with him easily.
He quickly leaned over to steal a kiss and when he did, he gave in to the temptation to linger as soon as Ryan pressed back. Don enjoyed the contact, content to kiss his lover's soft lips. Ryan obviously though, didn't think so and he ran his tongue over Don's bottom lip. Then he pulled back.
Don grinned. “You're such a tease. Let's find out if you can do the tiger for me in the bed-room as well, shall we?”
Ryan's answering laugh echoed off the walls of New York like a golden bell and the two figures walked away hands entwined.