Help me.. lord help me. I look up to the sky, & hear a voice reply.
'Don’t cry my child, ill cry along with you. Keep your smile, help is on the way.'
Guarding yourself from the love of another- where does that leave you tonight? I want her- and i will have her, she is mine. I love her.
There’s no compromise here- just a thousand gray areas leaving me wondering. I want more energy, more strength.. maybe then I’ll be happy. It’s a guilty desire, but a deep one nonetheless. Is that so wrong? But lately I can feel the feelings of the past few years over-whelming my own personal boundaries. Those same boundaries that at one point in time didn’t apply to this- it simply let it through.
It’s so frustrating not to know if all of this is a trick or not.. am I being tricked into believing that people have existed; things that never happened? She’s given me nothing to go on, to grasp to. Maybe she can’t because none of this is real- so there isn’t a logical explanation for all of this. I can’ comprehend that.. But somehow, I hope she’ll prove all of this to me. I want to believe in her.
My wife and I- two friends of yours. I already explained, and when she asks for you, will you fight for her? You also reached that point of insanity.. when she called for you, you did her beckoning. I lost a friend because of temptation- may the lord forgive you, he knows I refuse to. I’ll do as you say, and maybe then you’ll leave us. I don’t want her to forget- I don’t want to control her, I just want to bring some relief.. as much as she has to me, how can I help her? And even as I wear it now I feel it’s strength and I feel comforted..
The sky lit up with a brilliant blue light- purple appearing every once in a while. Clouds in the form of people and animals glancing down at me from up above. Just energy emerged from me, from the dog at my side, from the birds in the trees- pure, radiant energy and I felt at peace. After babysitting for six hours.. taking in everything that the Waxing moon had to offer felt wonderful, and I relaxed. It grabbed my ankle- with a hard, cold grip and I screamed, the loudest- most frightening sound I have ever let out, or ever heard before. It took me a while to realize that those where my lungs about to collapse, my heart that had just skipped a beat- and her shadow that had actually tried to help me. I have never been more frightened of something I couldn’t see in my life. Amazingly enough.. I still don’t completely believe. Even after all of that- I want to see it; but even so.. I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and look.
Sunday I’d woken up incredibly early, even for me- purposely before the sun came up. Setting out the stones after purifying them from the night before, I stayed in bed and wrote until a seemingly decent time for me to get out of bed. Apparently overnight my dad had decided that he would be joining us in our little ‘family’ outing- though there was nothing less family-oriented than that one weekend. I took Skye and Christina to the “feesh place!” as we’ve renamed it =] we spent the entire day trying to have a conversation, but failing miserably since we had an 8-year old completely drawn to every little detail of her marine-ocean friends. Luckily enough everyone chose to stay away from the three of us, though we did have a few unexpected visits along the way- can’t say I’m all too sorry for them. It was the sweetest thing.. after an entire day of getting attacked by a dolphin (btw thanks for that baby! It still hurt.. but I love you anyways), and admiring the whales, to have my two girls fall asleep with me in the car.
We spent two hours clinging to each other wide-awake but still, and the remaining trip just sleeping. When we finally got home we sent Skye away, and I watched Christina pound away at my piano- it was nice. I felt happy. Using that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from holding your lover and sensing the energy coming from the palms of their hands united with yours, I charged the stones- and set out for the necklaces.
Monday, and I spent the ‘sunset’ with her again, a confrontation that tore me apart; and finally pushing my parents so far that I can’t see her anymore. I’m obsessed with getting even, and I’m tormented by the sensation that this isn’t right, and that I absolutely need to have her with me every second of the waking day. She’s mine and nobody will get in my way of loving her, and staying binded. I’m getting even, and he will beg for forgiveness before the next new moon.
Steven is my safety here- I’ve given up on Robert and I won’t look back because he’s pointless. A waste of my time in an attention-seeking idiot with no social life, or priorities but that of his dick, and his own twisted lies. As for my father.. I hate him- could I possibly feel nothing more but the need to cause him pain; a lot of it. With everything brewing inside of me, I felt a rage I wanted to let go of; to slap him across the face like he’d hit me a minute ago. I wanted to scream- the loudest, highest pitch I could possibly utter to burst his eardrums and claw at his mind. Can I grab him by the wrists, and beat him? Hurt him- no. I want more than that, I want this pathetic imp of a human to feel the unbearable agony a person only feels when they’ve been made cry like that. If he wants so much out of me, why doesn’t he support this? I’ve watched him walk out a hundred times- breaking things, hurting things. Daddy’s scaring me, and im angry with him. ‘Father forgive me for my sins.. give me redemption, to will away the pain’- I want to spit on the words and curse them for lying to me!! There is no comfort in the lord for there is no lord, my savior- my ass! I believe myself to be my daddy’s little girl.. the same little girl that will turn around and love her ex, dare to have a girlfriend, and make love right in front of him- with that same innocent smile on her face, loving the fact that he stays so oblivious to my ‘affairs’. My writing looks the same as always, slightly slanted in an overly-done feminine cursive- it just feels different. Maybe because it’s blurry.. I wish the ink wouldn’t run.
Go ahead and hit me- all it’ll do is make my own blows come even harder daddy..
“Take control of an ordinary man- put him in control. watch him become a god, before his soul explodes.”