The Need to Wake Up
Note to self: check out cheapbooks.com. Guess those Ads aren't always useless.
I hope they all get the e-mail soon. And reply. And I hope Time Warner gets back to me about the internet. And I hope the security deposit from A comes soon, because that's kind of important, but no rush, no rush... I'm flexible. I hope I get to speak with the Neurology professor. I need to punch out a few cover letters this weekend. And drop a few applications here & there. It'd be nice to spend some time with Sarah, seeing as how we haven't pretty much the whole semester. It's really quite a shame, how easy it is to get lost in such a big, big school, even from the people you care about.
I think I have some identity issues. Depending on where I am, people tell me to believe different things. It wouldn't be so hard to distinguish Me from Not Me if I wasn't so torn between things inside. About God, about my body, about the choice of my friends. Well, the third thing I've been doubting less and less, which I sincerely hope is a reflection of the increasing certainty I've been gaining from truly finding myself.
Generally, I don't respond well to pity or even certain kinds of sympathy, which I think serves to distance myself from people a bit more than I already am... But that's Me. I've identified that; and unless I change, that will not. One of these days, I should really look inside of myself, make a list of my strengths and weaknesses as I perceive them, and then embrace whatever decision I make then about how I'm going to live my life. I know that's going to take a while, but I think it'll be worth it. You can't have everything, but you can fool yourself into believing that 'having everything' exists for you. And then you will have everything.
One thing is for sure: this house needs to be cleaned. My room. The stuff in the sun room. The sun room itself. The mess that results from Elim. The yard work that's been due for ages. The dining room that Dad has transformed into the study because the study is completely inadequate for getting anything done. THE STUDY. In my eyes, there are so many 'nothing' areas that I feel unable to be productive or get any work done. Just like the last couple months of the past semester. I stopped going to the Unit 3 study lounge because certain people whom everyone knew about were leaving their crap all over the tables and sofas. The piano needed serious tuning, so no one came to play on it anymore. The stink from the kitchen across the hall was so strong it was difficult to concentrate some afternoons. So I cleaned my own room to spic & span perfection, and began studying there, which, after a while, made me so desolately lonely that I hazarded many nighttime trips to 9414, wherein my productivity took a slight blow and from which I always returned sometime between 2 and 3 in the morning. It was not a good cycle. I stopped it before finals, thankfully, but for a while, it was hard.
So you see, I can't let my house win. The house does not win. I win. I, I, I will win. Even if it takes me a week to clean everywhere that needs to be cleaned.
It's going to rain soon, thank God. The humidity has been getting to my sanity.
I hope they all get the e-mail soon. And reply. And I hope Time Warner gets back to me about the internet. And I hope the security deposit from A comes soon, because that's kind of important, but no rush, no rush... I'm flexible. I hope I get to speak with the Neurology professor. I need to punch out a few cover letters this weekend. And drop a few applications here & there. It'd be nice to spend some time with Sarah, seeing as how we haven't pretty much the whole semester. It's really quite a shame, how easy it is to get lost in such a big, big school, even from the people you care about.
I think I have some identity issues. Depending on where I am, people tell me to believe different things. It wouldn't be so hard to distinguish Me from Not Me if I wasn't so torn between things inside. About God, about my body, about the choice of my friends. Well, the third thing I've been doubting less and less, which I sincerely hope is a reflection of the increasing certainty I've been gaining from truly finding myself.
Generally, I don't respond well to pity or even certain kinds of sympathy, which I think serves to distance myself from people a bit more than I already am... But that's Me. I've identified that; and unless I change, that will not. One of these days, I should really look inside of myself, make a list of my strengths and weaknesses as I perceive them, and then embrace whatever decision I make then about how I'm going to live my life. I know that's going to take a while, but I think it'll be worth it. You can't have everything, but you can fool yourself into believing that 'having everything' exists for you. And then you will have everything.
One thing is for sure: this house needs to be cleaned. My room. The stuff in the sun room. The sun room itself. The mess that results from Elim. The yard work that's been due for ages. The dining room that Dad has transformed into the study because the study is completely inadequate for getting anything done. THE STUDY. In my eyes, there are so many 'nothing' areas that I feel unable to be productive or get any work done. Just like the last couple months of the past semester. I stopped going to the Unit 3 study lounge because certain people whom everyone knew about were leaving their crap all over the tables and sofas. The piano needed serious tuning, so no one came to play on it anymore. The stink from the kitchen across the hall was so strong it was difficult to concentrate some afternoons. So I cleaned my own room to spic & span perfection, and began studying there, which, after a while, made me so desolately lonely that I hazarded many nighttime trips to 9414, wherein my productivity took a slight blow and from which I always returned sometime between 2 and 3 in the morning. It was not a good cycle. I stopped it before finals, thankfully, but for a while, it was hard.
So you see, I can't let my house win. The house does not win. I win. I, I, I will win. Even if it takes me a week to clean everywhere that needs to be cleaned.
It's going to rain soon, thank God. The humidity has been getting to my sanity.