(no subject)
I think I'm misunderstanding something in myself.
I thought I wanted someone... the loneliness I feel gets so strong sometimes that I wonder why I still stand up and bear it. But I think I'm beginning to understand it, a bit better...
I have no real finger to blame for being alone; I've made that choice time and time again. My friends scold me at times, shake their heads. "He's really too good for you..." I don't know how many times I've heard this about however many different people from however many different mouths. What is it about me that fascinates them? What is it about me that draws others to love me one day and then hate me the next? I know I'm easily one of the last people its worth to befriend; I'm selfish, arrogant, egotistical, an asshole. My only quality to take in is that I can be quite loyal when time needs.
I told myself that it was for them. Those nameless faces that admire me, the ones that can't possibly know I'll cause their decay. It's for them that I say no. I'm beginning to see that it's not. I like the idea of something I can't have, can't hold, can't comfort in. I like elusive things. I had a wonderful boy once; I treaded on him like dirt. I told myself that I'd never do it again; but not for his sake. No.
I did it because I wanted to feel the heel on my throat. I wanted to know what it felt like to be walked on. I found it shortly after, and cherished it for quite some time. But he was not bad at all; he only hurt me with the things he couldn't bring himself to do.
I've become practically smitten with someone, I'll have you know. Oddly, I just found out that this week is Valentine's holiday. I did not even begin to realize. This boy, he amuses to no end. I no longer remember his name, and I could never describe to you his looks... but I've seen him once a week for nearly two years. He talked with me after my pyschiatric appointments, he's dragged me into his work just to have company, and he pretty much stalks me when I'm nearby.
And damn, is he gorgeous. I could not begin to tell you his hair color, or his body type, or anything like that, despite having "known" him for so long. This assertion is simply based on what I have come to know as "him". The boy that teases me for no reason, that went through my wallet to find out my name, who only minorly joked when he told me to go to his college so we could see each other around more.
He has earned my completely fascination. There is nothing else to look at. The few that were more substantial are gone; they fled this place a long time ago. And I simply have no option to be with anyone. So, instead, I humor myself with this stranger, this boy. He smiles, and my insides jerk. He laughs, and my brain shorts.
I'm beginning to see why I stay alone...
I thrive off of the feeling I get from people other than the ones I have as options. My options are quite good, to be honest. But only one ever drew my attention as much as a background character, someone like this "Spazz". And he himself, was really just a background character.
I want to ask Spazz for another way to contact him someday. Even if it's just something like email. And I realize that at this moment, I'm too weak to do it. I enjoy the strange jolt I feel after seeing him, not knowing when I will again... but I need to move beyond that. I know I'm quite capable. But how exactly does one go from customer to consumer?
I thought I wanted someone... the loneliness I feel gets so strong sometimes that I wonder why I still stand up and bear it. But I think I'm beginning to understand it, a bit better...
I have no real finger to blame for being alone; I've made that choice time and time again. My friends scold me at times, shake their heads. "He's really too good for you..." I don't know how many times I've heard this about however many different people from however many different mouths. What is it about me that fascinates them? What is it about me that draws others to love me one day and then hate me the next? I know I'm easily one of the last people its worth to befriend; I'm selfish, arrogant, egotistical, an asshole. My only quality to take in is that I can be quite loyal when time needs.
I told myself that it was for them. Those nameless faces that admire me, the ones that can't possibly know I'll cause their decay. It's for them that I say no. I'm beginning to see that it's not. I like the idea of something I can't have, can't hold, can't comfort in. I like elusive things. I had a wonderful boy once; I treaded on him like dirt. I told myself that I'd never do it again; but not for his sake. No.
I did it because I wanted to feel the heel on my throat. I wanted to know what it felt like to be walked on. I found it shortly after, and cherished it for quite some time. But he was not bad at all; he only hurt me with the things he couldn't bring himself to do.
I've become practically smitten with someone, I'll have you know. Oddly, I just found out that this week is Valentine's holiday. I did not even begin to realize. This boy, he amuses to no end. I no longer remember his name, and I could never describe to you his looks... but I've seen him once a week for nearly two years. He talked with me after my pyschiatric appointments, he's dragged me into his work just to have company, and he pretty much stalks me when I'm nearby.
And damn, is he gorgeous. I could not begin to tell you his hair color, or his body type, or anything like that, despite having "known" him for so long. This assertion is simply based on what I have come to know as "him". The boy that teases me for no reason, that went through my wallet to find out my name, who only minorly joked when he told me to go to his college so we could see each other around more.
He has earned my completely fascination. There is nothing else to look at. The few that were more substantial are gone; they fled this place a long time ago. And I simply have no option to be with anyone. So, instead, I humor myself with this stranger, this boy. He smiles, and my insides jerk. He laughs, and my brain shorts.
I'm beginning to see why I stay alone...
I thrive off of the feeling I get from people other than the ones I have as options. My options are quite good, to be honest. But only one ever drew my attention as much as a background character, someone like this "Spazz". And he himself, was really just a background character.
I want to ask Spazz for another way to contact him someday. Even if it's just something like email. And I realize that at this moment, I'm too weak to do it. I enjoy the strange jolt I feel after seeing him, not knowing when I will again... but I need to move beyond that. I know I'm quite capable. But how exactly does one go from customer to consumer?