(no subject)
Glad I slept at Sio's yesterday for a couple hours. I'm still running 90-nothing and showing no signs of slowing. My adrenaline is flooding my systems, though I'm still not quite sure why. Nothing good has happened. Nothing bad. Pretty average screwed up day, just like all the rest. Had fun, prolly at the expense of my self. But feh.
Memories. Lots of them. It's amusing to sit back and watch 'em all. I guess I can see why it's bothersome - I don't get a lot done in the present when I kick back and enjoy my past. But hey, that's why I live my present the way I do, isn't it? So I can look back and see just how much better I can do than just a minute before. Motivation.
My favorite days... my cherished ones... I wonder how altered they are from the original events? Memories fade, and the ones you focus on most tend to be the ones that get distorted teh most. But I know I was happy. I know that when they happened, they meant the world to me. Even if a couple of them ripped my world apart... they mean a lot.
I wonder how much I've recovered from it all. I suppose it's awkward... I'm like a whole different person. Well... to me, at least. Most people say the only thing that's changed is I went from being an asshole to being an ass. Apparently that just means I'm friendly when I'm mean... cha. I think I know what they meant.
So many people... so many things... random or planned, it made no difference. Considering that I have a journal I kept with me for every single day of my life, during those two years that I hold dearest... it's amazing to read. Different from now. Time itself doesn't change people; it's what happens during that spanse. Three years ago on this day I was sick, and there wasn't any school. It's a very minor note, but it goes to show that I never missed a day... and the days surrounding that entry must have made it extremely easy to feel better. My memories are precious to me - it's the only way I can see the majority of people I care about.
But they're always those around me. I make new memories. New things to write down. Simple. I feel like I've forgotten so much, and indeed I know I have. Because every damn day that I run into someone I haven't seen in years, it suddenly occurs to me that they were completely erased from memory - despite how important they were to me.
Memories are fickle, casepoint. Which is prolly where that "live in the now" thing comes from. But still. If I forgot about Colorado, about Biloxi... where would that put me? Back as the strange little mean brat that chased people around teh courtyard with pinecones? I dunno... I like me. Even if I'm alone, even if I'm so damn bipolar a rollercoaster would blanche at the thought of me, even if I end up screwing myself up royally in the end (as history tends to show), I really only have myself to blame... to be.
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Is it heartwarming, knowing that there's ultimately one person who you can never run from?
Never run from? Isn't that what daydreaming is for?
...I suppose that's true. In that case, you can't run from them either.
So live your dreams, dammit.