Hyvä hetki potkia itseään nilkkaan
I am not a relationship person. I am one and I'm not. No, I don't go for one night stands either, but for some reason I find it very difficult to make room for anyone in my life. I'm busy all the time, with obligations I've made for myself. Them obligations I take fairly seriously. I like to keep my promises (I shouldn't say this here, since I'm about to break one. Only because I'm way too emotional.), whenever it's possible and it doesn't collide with my own moral beliefs etc. What I set out to say, is that most of the relationships I've tried to start end before the next full moon. After a short while I simply feel like there's no space for me; the loss of freedom comes heavy down on me. It is rather difficult to tie me down in any way.
The same applies for my beloved home country. Every now and then I feel like I need to get out. Maybe it's about going abroad to see clearly, again, what is great about Finland, to acknowledge the things that are most important, I don't know. And to define the things that make me come back. So this time it's South America, that I'm going to mirror to my life here. To be somewhere that far should remind me how to love everything that is ok in my life.
I am rather certain I have not felt this shit about anything since Spring 2007. The time in between has not been great either (as I mentioned in my previous post). It took me long to recover from a non-functioning relationship-wannabe (the imaginary "fuck you" -phone calls have not ended, though) and now, not even two years later, it's back to the start, again. It will be difficult, but perhaps a life needs to be shattered to pieces..wait, totally screwed up before it can be made anew. If I want to change the direction my life is currently going, I can't keep many bits that meant so much. There are some things, mainly people and routines, that stay in your life forever and thank god for those. They'll be the safety network that one needs. Then there are the things that disappear completely, or are pushed into a tiny pool of memories, that surface occasionally in the future. I am, of course, referring to people: friends and frengers of all kind. Goodbyes are a monster that I'll repel, always. It is a problem for someone like me, who gets attached to people easily. Not necessarily in a sexual way, simply that you get so used to them you can't imagine your world without them. I don't want to say goodbye, I completely refuse. I'd rather not know for sure and just go with 'See you around', cause then you never know. 'Goodbye' from someone, who has influenced me in any way, is too final to accept. If you don't want me to run away, you keep those words to yourself.
It is funny, how at this point in life the real role models turn up. Ordinary people you meet suddenly are admirable and you just wish you'd be like him or her some day. It is partly about categorizing peoples' secret wishes in life. The things you somewhere deep inside know you want, even if you are not going that way in practise. Usually you find your idols in the same group. They're the ones that already got what you want, at least seemingly. You can learn enormously from them, absorb their experience on ideals that don't crash with yours views. I've found a few idols in the last year, estimately. To know they exist and see them there makes you understand the things your life lacks and that are by all rights there for you as much as for anyone. My idols at the moment represent self-certainty, gratitude, views on life, motherhood with humour, dreaming and wit combined, joy for life. I hope I'll achieve at least some of my goals.
And no, I will never say directly what I mean. Either I don't want to make it clear or I want my entries to be at least somewhat understandable only to those that know me the best. And since I talk sensibly with only a handful of people these entries may be indescribable babble to quite a few. As it is with any human being, the facts you might know about me reveal very little if anything.