Okay, now I feel guilty.
This is... a little strange to say. I intensely disliked the man. He was creepy and a lifelong alcoholic and if he'd had any strategic skills at all, he'd have bled us for money for years--but he didn't, and he outed his narcissism within a few weeks of coming back into our lives. Fortunately he had no strategic skills, which made it easier for me and for my husband (who would have loved to have been the devoted son of a decent father) to keep him from messing us up too much.
The fact that they were estranged, however, doesn't much mitigate the sense of loss.
While I sincerely appreciate everyone's kind thoughts--REALLY sincerely--I'm not "grieving" for the man who is gone so much as aching for my husband. Because now--as with my own (creepy, abusive, now long-dead) father--what's really lost is that dream that somehow, some day, the dad would have gotten himself together and he and my husband could have reconciled somehow, and recovered some kind of healthy, loving relationship.
It's *that* loss for which I grieve. And my husband for whom I ache, because that faint dream that "dad would straighten up and see the people around him who are willing to love him if only he'd let himself be loved" is the thing that died with his father. Just as my similar faint hope died with mine.
I often wonder which is more common; a father dies and the loving family is grief-laden over the loss of such an integral part of the family, or--a father dies and the real loss is that the crap relationship that was there no longer even has the hope of being resolved.
Anyway. Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts. I really do appreciate them, and they really do ease my ache, even as I feel like I don't deserve them since I believe the man was an ass who messed up every relationship he touched.
Confused and feeling heartless,
Charlotte
cross-posted from dreamwidth. http://charlottechill.dreamwidth.org/12434.html#comments
The fact that they were estranged, however, doesn't much mitigate the sense of loss.
While I sincerely appreciate everyone's kind thoughts--REALLY sincerely--I'm not "grieving" for the man who is gone so much as aching for my husband. Because now--as with my own (creepy, abusive, now long-dead) father--what's really lost is that dream that somehow, some day, the dad would have gotten himself together and he and my husband could have reconciled somehow, and recovered some kind of healthy, loving relationship.
It's *that* loss for which I grieve. And my husband for whom I ache, because that faint dream that "dad would straighten up and see the people around him who are willing to love him if only he'd let himself be loved" is the thing that died with his father. Just as my similar faint hope died with mine.
I often wonder which is more common; a father dies and the loving family is grief-laden over the loss of such an integral part of the family, or--a father dies and the real loss is that the crap relationship that was there no longer even has the hope of being resolved.
Anyway. Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts. I really do appreciate them, and they really do ease my ache, even as I feel like I don't deserve them since I believe the man was an ass who messed up every relationship he touched.
Confused and feeling heartless,
Charlotte
cross-posted from dreamwidth. http://charlottechill.dreamwidth.org/12434.html#comments