wtf am i doing wrong?
OCMA - the orange county museum of art, has opened a gallery called the Orange Lounge at the crystal court side of south coast plaza. A purely media art exhibit entitled HYPERMEDIA will run until sept. 26th - its quite interesting. they closed the actual facility for renovations and to get ready for their biennial exhibit starting oct. 12. both venues will have exhibits for the bienniel. i went today to the orange lounge and it was really kewl to see some art smack dab in the middle of the materialistic hub bub of costa mesa. you should go.
i figured that i should fill my days with a bunch of shit to do so that i distract myself from my worrisome heart. its only succeeded in being a cover up, a band aid.
what ive done in the past is get over and done with it, feel the moment, release all my frustrations and tears in one big lump. stay at home and be the depressed anguished darkroom girl that everyone knows and loves. i fucked up this time.
saturday, day #1, yuritzi's wedding. had no real time to be sad/mad/angered. i had to fake it and put on a happy face, which actually did work because i really did genuinely feel positive for my friend.
sunday day #2, i was invited to go to the beach. figureing i could recover from the nite before i bravely ventured out to the beach. in the SUN. for those of you who know me, the only time i really enjoy the beach is at nite in the glow of the moon, when no one is really there to bug me, no kids screaming, no sun burning my skin, no sweating being done. but i reluctantly went. the result: i was glad that i had gone, i felt somehow recharged. so the beach came and went, then a friend of mine came over to help organize my feelings and the logistics of what happend. by the time i came home i just passed out and had practically no time to reflect on my emotions.
monday day #3, sacramento. i went to a political rally at the capitol for legislation sb1160. flew up and flew back down. i was so tired, still tired from saturday i came home and vegged out in front of that horrible invention that trickles and oozes out evil, the t.v. passed out.
tuesday day #4, fair housing seminar - basically a meeting with all the suits of the property management company i work for - actually interesting, legal mumbo-jumbo. afterwards went bookshopping and watched Anchorman. laughed my ass off. took a bus and went to the beach to relax by the waves and in the moons calming rays. it was so late i didnt realize it, and i couldnt take another bus home, walked to PCH and then took a cab home.
today, day#5, hung out with friends from work. went to the OCMA exhibit. came home and coloured my moms hair -
i willingly call misery company in my most manic depressive, mostly depressed, times. its what i do best. ive been so pleasant lately to everyone that i am putting my mind into sugar shock. bleck! hanging out with friends, not wanting everyone to ask me whats wrong? whats wrong? its okay, everything will be okay.... fuck that. i KNOW that. i know that everything happens for a reason, even though i dont see why right this moment, it will serve its purpose. but right now, im NOT okay. LET ME WALLOW IN THE THROWS OF MISERY. i need to, but if i seem okay its because i am one of the masters of art of faking it. no, you sicko, not that kind. pretending that im okay and that nothing is wrong, putting a meek smile on my face, still put on a full face of makeup to hide the bags and puffy eyes so i dont look that terrible. basically me on a "normal" day.
i have nothing to do tomorrow.
perhaps i should call on misery tomorrow to help keep me company. or better yet, ill call her tonite, so i can get to sleep and not remember any dreams i have tonite.
i figured that i should fill my days with a bunch of shit to do so that i distract myself from my worrisome heart. its only succeeded in being a cover up, a band aid.
what ive done in the past is get over and done with it, feel the moment, release all my frustrations and tears in one big lump. stay at home and be the depressed anguished darkroom girl that everyone knows and loves. i fucked up this time.
saturday, day #1, yuritzi's wedding. had no real time to be sad/mad/angered. i had to fake it and put on a happy face, which actually did work because i really did genuinely feel positive for my friend.
sunday day #2, i was invited to go to the beach. figureing i could recover from the nite before i bravely ventured out to the beach. in the SUN. for those of you who know me, the only time i really enjoy the beach is at nite in the glow of the moon, when no one is really there to bug me, no kids screaming, no sun burning my skin, no sweating being done. but i reluctantly went. the result: i was glad that i had gone, i felt somehow recharged. so the beach came and went, then a friend of mine came over to help organize my feelings and the logistics of what happend. by the time i came home i just passed out and had practically no time to reflect on my emotions.
monday day #3, sacramento. i went to a political rally at the capitol for legislation sb1160. flew up and flew back down. i was so tired, still tired from saturday i came home and vegged out in front of that horrible invention that trickles and oozes out evil, the t.v. passed out.
tuesday day #4, fair housing seminar - basically a meeting with all the suits of the property management company i work for - actually interesting, legal mumbo-jumbo. afterwards went bookshopping and watched Anchorman. laughed my ass off. took a bus and went to the beach to relax by the waves and in the moons calming rays. it was so late i didnt realize it, and i couldnt take another bus home, walked to PCH and then took a cab home.
today, day#5, hung out with friends from work. went to the OCMA exhibit. came home and coloured my moms hair -
i willingly call misery company in my most manic depressive, mostly depressed, times. its what i do best. ive been so pleasant lately to everyone that i am putting my mind into sugar shock. bleck! hanging out with friends, not wanting everyone to ask me whats wrong? whats wrong? its okay, everything will be okay.... fuck that. i KNOW that. i know that everything happens for a reason, even though i dont see why right this moment, it will serve its purpose. but right now, im NOT okay. LET ME WALLOW IN THE THROWS OF MISERY. i need to, but if i seem okay its because i am one of the masters of art of faking it. no, you sicko, not that kind. pretending that im okay and that nothing is wrong, putting a meek smile on my face, still put on a full face of makeup to hide the bags and puffy eyes so i dont look that terrible. basically me on a "normal" day.
i have nothing to do tomorrow.
perhaps i should call on misery tomorrow to help keep me company. or better yet, ill call her tonite, so i can get to sleep and not remember any dreams i have tonite.