Things left unsaid/Random thoughts/Life Entry 1
Well, the last few days/weeks/months have been...tumultuous I guess. There's been loads of ups and downs, so I'm not sure how I should feel.
The downs: it's the last week of uni, I'm moving out on Sunday or Monday.
I'm pretty sure I've done badly in my exams.
I don't really have a concrete plan for my future.
I missed my cousin's wedding and I'll also miss her reception, so I feel terrible about that. I have no plan how to make it up to her at all.
I can't go to a concert for a band I really want to see because of training.
My gran spent some time in hospital that I wasn't aware of and now I feel a bit disappointed in myself (I live with her, and only found out 3 days after).
I started having anxiety attacks again.
But the biggest down of all: my friend Lauren lost her battle with Cystic Fibrosis on Tuesday the 27th, and I only found out in the early hours of this morning. I feel like a rather crap friend all around to be honest. I can't say we were particularly great friends or anything, but Lauren was the kind of person where even after the first meeting it's like you've known each other for years. She was such a character, really funny and witty, and she always seemed so positive. I suppose being so far away from it at the moment has kind of left me feeling a bit...stunned. I hadn't spoken to her in months, but I still went cold when I heard the news. I did have a bit of a cry about it.
Up until then I'd thought for a long while that I wasn't really able to get emotionally attached to people. Nana died last year not long before my birthday but I never cried. The same when our family dog (who I practically grew up with; her first walk out was my first day of primary school) had to be put to sleep, it didn't move me much. I've grown distant from great childhood friends and its never bothered me much. So me getting emotional over a friend like this is a bit life affirming I suppose.
I've had this overwhelming awareness of just how short life is for a couple of years now. It terrifies me. I've woken up a couple of times in the early hours of the morning, terrified out of my mind and halfway to my grans room with the thought of 'I don't want to die!' going through my head. At the same time, I'm not really doing much with my life. I'm 22 and in my first year of University, with not much to show for anything. Well, that's how it's felt for a while. I do want to be a better person; get fit, make a plan for the future etc. I just don't seem to be able or even willing to motivate myself into actually doing anything. I have this terrible habit of blaming everything on my glandular fever...which I got 6 or 7 years ago. I really just need to get off my backside and do something, anything.
It's sad that it's taken the death of a friend to push me into truly examining my life, but if that's what it takes then I won't let it be in vain. I made this promise to myself and this time I hope I don't shame myself.
The ups: I've survived (mostly) my first year of Uni.
I've made some really great friends: flatmates Aspen, Molly and Ieuan; Moose, Da, Kristiina and loads of other people from my course.
I've all around enjoyed my first year of Uni.
I feel more independent.
My dad's happier.
My cousin Samantha got married and she looks really happy.
I'm missing Samantha's reception because I'm going to Download Festival again.
I've been accepted as a Freshers' Hero for next year and I can't wait.
I passes my Spanish Oral exam, not sure how though.
I plan on regularly hashing out my thoughts from the simple to the complex, the normal to the crazy. But maybe this is just another phase and I'll completely forget in a few days. That's what usually happens. Another thing I wish I was better at: sticking with an idea and seeing it through.
Basically I just needed to vent and write things down. I suppose it's therapeutic and I hoped it would help me sort my mind out right now. I can't quite tell if it's worked. Perhaps I need some time to digest?
Also I know it's inappropriate, on the highest level, but I had a random thought earlier: of all the times I've visited people in hospital, I've never seen doctors or nurses wheeling any deceased people around. I know it's not something that would happen often, but the thought stuck in my mind. What procedures do they have, is there a 'secret path' that takes them away from normal 'public' areas, do they wait until visiting hours are over etc.
The downs: it's the last week of uni, I'm moving out on Sunday or Monday.
I'm pretty sure I've done badly in my exams.
I don't really have a concrete plan for my future.
I missed my cousin's wedding and I'll also miss her reception, so I feel terrible about that. I have no plan how to make it up to her at all.
I can't go to a concert for a band I really want to see because of training.
My gran spent some time in hospital that I wasn't aware of and now I feel a bit disappointed in myself (I live with her, and only found out 3 days after).
I started having anxiety attacks again.
But the biggest down of all: my friend Lauren lost her battle with Cystic Fibrosis on Tuesday the 27th, and I only found out in the early hours of this morning. I feel like a rather crap friend all around to be honest. I can't say we were particularly great friends or anything, but Lauren was the kind of person where even after the first meeting it's like you've known each other for years. She was such a character, really funny and witty, and she always seemed so positive. I suppose being so far away from it at the moment has kind of left me feeling a bit...stunned. I hadn't spoken to her in months, but I still went cold when I heard the news. I did have a bit of a cry about it.
Up until then I'd thought for a long while that I wasn't really able to get emotionally attached to people. Nana died last year not long before my birthday but I never cried. The same when our family dog (who I practically grew up with; her first walk out was my first day of primary school) had to be put to sleep, it didn't move me much. I've grown distant from great childhood friends and its never bothered me much. So me getting emotional over a friend like this is a bit life affirming I suppose.
I've had this overwhelming awareness of just how short life is for a couple of years now. It terrifies me. I've woken up a couple of times in the early hours of the morning, terrified out of my mind and halfway to my grans room with the thought of 'I don't want to die!' going through my head. At the same time, I'm not really doing much with my life. I'm 22 and in my first year of University, with not much to show for anything. Well, that's how it's felt for a while. I do want to be a better person; get fit, make a plan for the future etc. I just don't seem to be able or even willing to motivate myself into actually doing anything. I have this terrible habit of blaming everything on my glandular fever...which I got 6 or 7 years ago. I really just need to get off my backside and do something, anything.
It's sad that it's taken the death of a friend to push me into truly examining my life, but if that's what it takes then I won't let it be in vain. I made this promise to myself and this time I hope I don't shame myself.
The ups: I've survived (mostly) my first year of Uni.
I've made some really great friends: flatmates Aspen, Molly and Ieuan; Moose, Da, Kristiina and loads of other people from my course.
I've all around enjoyed my first year of Uni.
I feel more independent.
My dad's happier.
My cousin Samantha got married and she looks really happy.
I'm missing Samantha's reception because I'm going to Download Festival again.
I've been accepted as a Freshers' Hero for next year and I can't wait.
I passes my Spanish Oral exam, not sure how though.
I plan on regularly hashing out my thoughts from the simple to the complex, the normal to the crazy. But maybe this is just another phase and I'll completely forget in a few days. That's what usually happens. Another thing I wish I was better at: sticking with an idea and seeing it through.
Basically I just needed to vent and write things down. I suppose it's therapeutic and I hoped it would help me sort my mind out right now. I can't quite tell if it's worked. Perhaps I need some time to digest?
Also I know it's inappropriate, on the highest level, but I had a random thought earlier: of all the times I've visited people in hospital, I've never seen doctors or nurses wheeling any deceased people around. I know it's not something that would happen often, but the thought stuck in my mind. What procedures do they have, is there a 'secret path' that takes them away from normal 'public' areas, do they wait until visiting hours are over etc.