I have baggage

[charlietherapta]

I fucked things over with Shane pretty hardcore. I didn't mean to, but I did it. He talked to me a lot about it. He's everything I could ever want so why do I feel like this? He said he'd wait for me, but I don't like people doing things for me. I like being independent. He shares my views on relationships and that is definitely scary. I feel like I should have deep profound thoughts, but I don't. I need to know if I can do this. If I can survive life on my own. I just got out of a shitty ass relationship so I feel like I should take it slow for a while. Half of me wants to tell him to take me and the other half is like whoooa charlene slow down. I believe everything happens for a reason. I feel like crying because I am so damn frustrated. I just want all of this stupid shit to go away. I want Shane in my life even if it is just as a friend. He told me to take some time. I just don't know. I never know and I wish life was a safer bet. Maybe I just need to reconnect with myself. I gave myself for a fucking year for nothing. I wasted a year of my life for no fucking reason, but to realize that some people just don't want to grow. Meg told me that I will kill Shane's spirit and you know what? She's absolutely fucking right. I am a soul crusher. I have too many demands and I am too aggressive. I'm too strong and too prideful sometimes. Shane wont tell his friends about me now because he says they'll judge because they are overprotective of him. They should be because he wont stand up for himself. He told me he'd give me everything. I almost started the water works when I heard that. I wish I had more self knowledge to know how I'll end up, but I guess that's the journey of life. I think half of me feels like if I don't jump on the train now I will miss an opporunity of a life time. The other half is saying you know what? all good things come in time. Slow down wait a little bit. I don't want to deal with this and I don't want to think. I don't want to explain myself, I just want to be. I want to be Charlene. It's time for me to find out who I am. Maybe I'm not as great as I once thought. Maybe my heart isn't made of gold. I've never seen my actions hurt someone so quickly. Shane said he has a ton of respect for me because I told him. I told him to his face and I tried to make it as least embarrassing as possible. You know what the sad part is? We weren't official. Titles change everything. I didn't realize how strong his feelings were until I told him what happened. I think I had a miscommuncation going on. I did tell him I wasn't going to see anyone else and I wasn't, but shit happens. I don't want to have to answer to anyone or anything. I don't want to explain why I was out all night.

You know what? I hate competition. I don't want to feel like just because I take some time away from Shane I'm going to have to fight to get him back. I don't want to fight and I don't want to feel like I need to jump on a decision just because he is an amazing person. I'm sorry if you have feelings for him and nothing happened. I'm sorry if you feel like you'd treat him 10x better than me and you deserve him and I don't. I don't really know what to tell you other than sorry. If you wanted it, you should have gone for it.

This is me. Take it or leave it.