Out Of It
I'm tired I guess. I'm not really aware. I know I'm here. I just can't focus. I don't know why not. A lot of things are on my mind. Nothing is on my mind. I am so awake, but I just said I was tired. Maybe I'm sad. A little. School is over and I never even had the chance to feel the freedom of it. Instead, I felt anxious about my part time job, wanted to sit next to her on the floor, and was worried that I wouldn't get to spend anytime with her over the holidays.
Imagine if I don't?
Don't even say that.
I won't be able to look anyone in the eye without seeing her.
How unfair would that be? My sisters deserve her own attention.
So do Ray and Steff. They don't deserve to be mentally transormed into someone else.
I know better than that.
But I still can't focus
and I still don't know what's wrong.
I fucking hate when this happens.
I have these moments of complete unclarity. I don't know what is bothering me. I don't know what is keeping me up at night. I don't know what the question is that I want answered. I don't know how to find the question or the person who will tell me the answer. I want to see people, but I don't. I want to be enveloped in books,anime,films,foods,smiles,summer. I just can't describe it. I never want to smile. I never want to wake up. I am just in a constant state of confused depression. And who can say why?
It's so over, though. I don't go back on Monday without responsibilities.
I face tomorrow with responsibilities.
There is no breather.
There is no recliner.
And my mind just amplifies my worries by the biggest number us humans have ever created.
I just really hope I see them soon.
Hope I see her soon.
She just, really, won't leave me alone.
When I'm with her, I can channel things away so easily. But, when she's gone, I want her back so much it hurts. It really, really hurts.
Sometimes though she really catches me off guard. And I just want to bleed myself out to her. Scream it at her. Sing it to her. Hug it into her. Iwishiwishiwish.
I'm not talking about the her I thought I would be. This her just can't seem to let me go. The first one I mean. The best friend.
I got new glasses. I feel so lost behind them. I had enough of a hard time trying to recognize myself before. And now... I look like a 20 year old. I just want to know what I look like. Because I don't know. Or, I don't remember. And everytime I look in the mirror, or catch a glimpse, I'm shocked.
Who is that?
I'm the black girl who doesn't really care for her hair. Who finally has a cell. Who got new glasses. Who sings really loud. Who forgot what to focus on and how to focus. Who can't get another girl out of her head. Who never cried for 3 months and now wants to cry all the time, to make her body relax.
Does this define me? Tell me who I am?
Who am I
and what the fuck is wrong with me?
This better not all be about her.
Because then I am really fucked.
Imagine if I don't?
Don't even say that.
I won't be able to look anyone in the eye without seeing her.
How unfair would that be? My sisters deserve her own attention.
So do Ray and Steff. They don't deserve to be mentally transormed into someone else.
I know better than that.
But I still can't focus
and I still don't know what's wrong.
I fucking hate when this happens.
I have these moments of complete unclarity. I don't know what is bothering me. I don't know what is keeping me up at night. I don't know what the question is that I want answered. I don't know how to find the question or the person who will tell me the answer. I want to see people, but I don't. I want to be enveloped in books,anime,films,foods,smiles,summer. I just can't describe it. I never want to smile. I never want to wake up. I am just in a constant state of confused depression. And who can say why?
It's so over, though. I don't go back on Monday without responsibilities.
I face tomorrow with responsibilities.
There is no breather.
There is no recliner.
And my mind just amplifies my worries by the biggest number us humans have ever created.
I just really hope I see them soon.
Hope I see her soon.
She just, really, won't leave me alone.
When I'm with her, I can channel things away so easily. But, when she's gone, I want her back so much it hurts. It really, really hurts.
Sometimes though she really catches me off guard. And I just want to bleed myself out to her. Scream it at her. Sing it to her. Hug it into her. Iwishiwishiwish.
I'm not talking about the her I thought I would be. This her just can't seem to let me go. The first one I mean. The best friend.
I got new glasses. I feel so lost behind them. I had enough of a hard time trying to recognize myself before. And now... I look like a 20 year old. I just want to know what I look like. Because I don't know. Or, I don't remember. And everytime I look in the mirror, or catch a glimpse, I'm shocked.
Who is that?
I'm the black girl who doesn't really care for her hair. Who finally has a cell. Who got new glasses. Who sings really loud. Who forgot what to focus on and how to focus. Who can't get another girl out of her head. Who never cried for 3 months and now wants to cry all the time, to make her body relax.
Does this define me? Tell me who I am?
Who am I
and what the fuck is wrong with me?
This better not all be about her.
Because then I am really fucked.