Do You Take Me For A Fool...?
Well I know I have blogged already today but that was about the weekend and how much fun I had...But then we got stuck on that stupid motorway and I got thinking about everything that happened...I wish I had a rubbish memory and could forget it all just like that...I read into things way too much and I have noone here to tell me that I'm being stupid, well I do, but I don't listen...I don't want to listen. I want to be able to have my little dreams and try and make them come true even if it does seem stupid and out of reach...I just wanna try...and thats what I was doing.
But now...I just don't know anymore...Wednesday was planned and ready and now they're not there...Gemma still wants to go up which is fair enough and I will still go, but she has things to go up for I don't...well I do, the belt cos they didn't have large *rolls eyes* but anyway my mind won't shut off...I wish I knew what other people knew...I wish that when I did have the time I could be where they are straight away...
Right now I'm not gonna see them again until October 8th...it sounds so stupid and I know it sounds stupid, everyone's gonna think I'm totally weird, but I wanna see them before then...I wanted to see them on Wednesday especially as everything is booked and planned now...and especially after the Harry incident...I wanna make it up to Gemma in a way...and then in another way I just want a chance to have a proper conversation with Doug even thou that probably won't ever happen.
It's got to the stage where I don't want to listen to what other people have said to him and look at other people's photo's with him cos it just makes me feel small...When I read people's lj's and they write about how "close" they are to them I just wanna cry, in a way because I'm jealous but in another way because I don't wanna feel that way towards my friends...
I know I'm jealous and I won't be afraid to admit it...but I don't want to feel this way I just do. I wish I had never met them and it was all a bit of a phase, this has got way too out of hand, its never been like this before and its starting to scare me...I thought about giving up and nearly did, then Saturday happened, I was counting on Saturday to tell me whether I should stop or not...I get time after time that I waste and then i get something like that. And I know its not much but it makes me want to carry on trying to meet them for longer without craves. And then I get to points where I'm like I am now and I just feel that I need to realise that I'm not gonna meet them for more than 20 seconds with cravens around...I haven't yet who says I will now...I thought Wed would be the day and its not!
Dan's back in America so I can't speak to him any more which is gonna piss me off a treat...I just need some sort of release...Dan was the release, I would talk to him about Doug..but he always answered with the right answers...and I don't have that any more...
Someone help me...
*What do you see when you look at me? Why do you take me for a fool?*
But now...I just don't know anymore...Wednesday was planned and ready and now they're not there...Gemma still wants to go up which is fair enough and I will still go, but she has things to go up for I don't...well I do, the belt cos they didn't have large *rolls eyes* but anyway my mind won't shut off...I wish I knew what other people knew...I wish that when I did have the time I could be where they are straight away...
Right now I'm not gonna see them again until October 8th...it sounds so stupid and I know it sounds stupid, everyone's gonna think I'm totally weird, but I wanna see them before then...I wanted to see them on Wednesday especially as everything is booked and planned now...and especially after the Harry incident...I wanna make it up to Gemma in a way...and then in another way I just want a chance to have a proper conversation with Doug even thou that probably won't ever happen.
It's got to the stage where I don't want to listen to what other people have said to him and look at other people's photo's with him cos it just makes me feel small...When I read people's lj's and they write about how "close" they are to them I just wanna cry, in a way because I'm jealous but in another way because I don't wanna feel that way towards my friends...
I know I'm jealous and I won't be afraid to admit it...but I don't want to feel this way I just do. I wish I had never met them and it was all a bit of a phase, this has got way too out of hand, its never been like this before and its starting to scare me...I thought about giving up and nearly did, then Saturday happened, I was counting on Saturday to tell me whether I should stop or not...I get time after time that I waste and then i get something like that. And I know its not much but it makes me want to carry on trying to meet them for longer without craves. And then I get to points where I'm like I am now and I just feel that I need to realise that I'm not gonna meet them for more than 20 seconds with cravens around...I haven't yet who says I will now...I thought Wed would be the day and its not!
Dan's back in America so I can't speak to him any more which is gonna piss me off a treat...I just need some sort of release...Dan was the release, I would talk to him about Doug..but he always answered with the right answers...and I don't have that any more...
Someone help me...
*What do you see when you look at me? Why do you take me for a fool?*