(no subject)
So, my parents got me a ceiling fan.
There's more to it than that, of course. It's really their ceiling fan because it's their house, but it's in my room, and they got it because I have a lot of trouble sleeping during the summer. When I'm relaxed, I generate a lot of body heat, which means that I get too hot really quickly at night. When I'm too hot I can't sleep, and I hate to sleep without covers, and I hate to sleep with the door open...I'm, frankly, a hot mess. I had a fan in my room, but it started to make a horrible rattling sound. I suffered through most of last summer, and talked about getting a ceiling fan a few times, but it never happened. Now summer is approaching again, and I am dreading it. I hate summer. Summer in Texas is not a fun filled time of outdoor activities. Texas summers mean that the walk from my car to my job leaves me sweaty and gross and doing anything that involves being outside saps my energy in minutes. It's awful.
But today my parents decided to look at ceiling fans, and decided to buy one, and it was halfway installed in my room when I came home. I should rewind and mention that I didn't get much sleep and I was tired and really grouchy from work and the fan was a total surprise. And it just means a lot to me. I've been feeling kind of weird and lonely--the internet was making me feel overwhelmed and isolated, so I've been trying to pull back a little but then I feel lonely and isolated and I want to run back to the internet yelling 'NO I'M SORRY PLEASE GIVE ME ALL OF THE AFFIRMATION NO ONE LOVES ME', because I really long for affirmation all the time. And not just general praise, I go around aching for sincere affirmation of my value--I don't just want to know that people love me, I want to feel like I'm somehow worth it. This is a hard love language to want, because I think it's a really difficult and rare love language for people to give. I know I struggle with verbalizing that kind of thing--I'm more likely to give people gifts, and when I do verbalize with people I immediately feel cheesy and stupid, however sincere I'm being. Most of my family has either gifts or acts of service as a love language, which can lead to communication barriers when they do something for me that I don't even notice, because I'm busy wishing for some kind of affirmation to hit me in the face.
Anyway, long tangent aside, I have a ceiling fan now and it makes me feel really cared for and watched over and I really needed to feel those things.
There's more to it than that, of course. It's really their ceiling fan because it's their house, but it's in my room, and they got it because I have a lot of trouble sleeping during the summer. When I'm relaxed, I generate a lot of body heat, which means that I get too hot really quickly at night. When I'm too hot I can't sleep, and I hate to sleep without covers, and I hate to sleep with the door open...I'm, frankly, a hot mess. I had a fan in my room, but it started to make a horrible rattling sound. I suffered through most of last summer, and talked about getting a ceiling fan a few times, but it never happened. Now summer is approaching again, and I am dreading it. I hate summer. Summer in Texas is not a fun filled time of outdoor activities. Texas summers mean that the walk from my car to my job leaves me sweaty and gross and doing anything that involves being outside saps my energy in minutes. It's awful.
But today my parents decided to look at ceiling fans, and decided to buy one, and it was halfway installed in my room when I came home. I should rewind and mention that I didn't get much sleep and I was tired and really grouchy from work and the fan was a total surprise. And it just means a lot to me. I've been feeling kind of weird and lonely--the internet was making me feel overwhelmed and isolated, so I've been trying to pull back a little but then I feel lonely and isolated and I want to run back to the internet yelling 'NO I'M SORRY PLEASE GIVE ME ALL OF THE AFFIRMATION NO ONE LOVES ME', because I really long for affirmation all the time. And not just general praise, I go around aching for sincere affirmation of my value--I don't just want to know that people love me, I want to feel like I'm somehow worth it. This is a hard love language to want, because I think it's a really difficult and rare love language for people to give. I know I struggle with verbalizing that kind of thing--I'm more likely to give people gifts, and when I do verbalize with people I immediately feel cheesy and stupid, however sincere I'm being. Most of my family has either gifts or acts of service as a love language, which can lead to communication barriers when they do something for me that I don't even notice, because I'm busy wishing for some kind of affirmation to hit me in the face.
Anyway, long tangent aside, I have a ceiling fan now and it makes me feel really cared for and watched over and I really needed to feel those things.