Chihuahua Update 4: Personal
I'm posting this on kind of late in regards to the other post; I don't know why. Sometimes I look back at myself and think, how did I get here. I feel different from what I once was maybe three or four years ago; I was cheerful and optimistic but know I feel resentful and bitter and I'm becoming increasingly withdrawn. There still some aspects of me that seem haven't changed like my shyness, curiosity, wonder, illusion of grandeur, suicidal impulses and my hope, though that one is a bit shaky. I'm worried about losing myself and becoming someone I don't want to be rather than the person I want to be. Once day at a time I guess.
As for my love life, that's currently nonexistent. I broke up with the guy I was seeing. He's a nice guy but I didn't feel the love that I should have if I were in love with him; I also felt it was unfair to him to keep him in a relationship while he could be out finding someone who truly loves him. It'd be nice to have someone to care for me and love me but right now, I'm in no position to be anything to anyone between my school work and my home life. Part of me wants my mom and sister to move away to Maine soon so I can shed that responsibility and flourish into my own no matter how challenging it would to be on my own.
Despite knowing that I can't be in a relationship, I still long for someone I know, someone that I've had a crush since I met him, someone that I couldn't get my mind out of even when I was with someone else. He knows who he is though I doubt he'd ever read this and he knows that I like him though I doubt he truly knows how I really feel about him. He's a charming, quiet, interesting guy but for as long as I've known him, some woe had always plagued him and I always felt so powerless that I could never help him, comfort him, be close to him because he was so distant from me, both in mind and body. I sometimes would not hear from him for months and yet I still wondered about him, hoping that he was happy. That's all I could ever do is hope; even now that all I feel that I can do; that and repress the urges to hurt the ones that hurt you, to make them feel the pain they caused me by watching you cry. I don't know what to think of where he is now or if he is happy; I personally doubt that he is. How I wish he could look in my direction but I can barely get him to ever talk to me. Does he even see me for who I am or even know anything about me? Sometimes I feel that we wouldn't have much in common and it would never work out or that me feelings for him is just puppy love but if it truly was puppy love, I would have moved on a long time ago and I would never know if things would work out if I didn't even try.
The most important thing I want for him though is for him to find his happiness; even if its with or without me, as much as I would love it to be with me. I have no place to say what he is truly feeling about anything or what is best for him; hell, I even feel that I would not be best for him. Even if I could be more than someone who can barely consider himself his friend, I couldn't do much for him; love doesn't give us a place to stay or put food on the table. Its never been the right time and it might never happen. Its ok though, I've learned to block him out, he's made that easy because as a great guy I see in him, I now think of him as a coward. Every attempt to see if he's doing ok is met with silence. If he wants to say something to me, he should have to balls to say it; if he wants to cut ties with me, he should go ahead because as far as I'm concerned, if he feels that I'm not a friend, then he shouldn't worry about hurting my feelings. I just hope he remembers that all I ever want for him is to be happy and some part of me will probably always care too much for him.
I've had my fill of emotional roller coasters, now I hope I can go back to concentrating on fulfilling that burning feeling that always fills me and has ever since I was a child; the need to fulfill a purpose, a destiny. I want to go back to concentrating on changing the world, for better or for worse.
As for my love life, that's currently nonexistent. I broke up with the guy I was seeing. He's a nice guy but I didn't feel the love that I should have if I were in love with him; I also felt it was unfair to him to keep him in a relationship while he could be out finding someone who truly loves him. It'd be nice to have someone to care for me and love me but right now, I'm in no position to be anything to anyone between my school work and my home life. Part of me wants my mom and sister to move away to Maine soon so I can shed that responsibility and flourish into my own no matter how challenging it would to be on my own.
Despite knowing that I can't be in a relationship, I still long for someone I know, someone that I've had a crush since I met him, someone that I couldn't get my mind out of even when I was with someone else. He knows who he is though I doubt he'd ever read this and he knows that I like him though I doubt he truly knows how I really feel about him. He's a charming, quiet, interesting guy but for as long as I've known him, some woe had always plagued him and I always felt so powerless that I could never help him, comfort him, be close to him because he was so distant from me, both in mind and body. I sometimes would not hear from him for months and yet I still wondered about him, hoping that he was happy. That's all I could ever do is hope; even now that all I feel that I can do; that and repress the urges to hurt the ones that hurt you, to make them feel the pain they caused me by watching you cry. I don't know what to think of where he is now or if he is happy; I personally doubt that he is. How I wish he could look in my direction but I can barely get him to ever talk to me. Does he even see me for who I am or even know anything about me? Sometimes I feel that we wouldn't have much in common and it would never work out or that me feelings for him is just puppy love but if it truly was puppy love, I would have moved on a long time ago and I would never know if things would work out if I didn't even try.
The most important thing I want for him though is for him to find his happiness; even if its with or without me, as much as I would love it to be with me. I have no place to say what he is truly feeling about anything or what is best for him; hell, I even feel that I would not be best for him. Even if I could be more than someone who can barely consider himself his friend, I couldn't do much for him; love doesn't give us a place to stay or put food on the table. Its never been the right time and it might never happen. Its ok though, I've learned to block him out, he's made that easy because as a great guy I see in him, I now think of him as a coward. Every attempt to see if he's doing ok is met with silence. If he wants to say something to me, he should have to balls to say it; if he wants to cut ties with me, he should go ahead because as far as I'm concerned, if he feels that I'm not a friend, then he shouldn't worry about hurting my feelings. I just hope he remembers that all I ever want for him is to be happy and some part of me will probably always care too much for him.
I've had my fill of emotional roller coasters, now I hope I can go back to concentrating on fulfilling that burning feeling that always fills me and has ever since I was a child; the need to fulfill a purpose, a destiny. I want to go back to concentrating on changing the world, for better or for worse.