Figured it out
I went over to see Shane and Maria today...by the way, thanks guys, it did help for a bit.
I had a lot of time to think in the car. Shane says that my problem is co-dependancy. I think he's wrong. It's not even close to being that complex. It's a lot simpler.
It's loneliness.
Lilly and I were together for 2 years. But we were never together. We had a relationship through nothing more than a bunch of wires and interfaces over a span of several hundred and then thousand miles. That's not a relationship. So lets do the math.
My last girlfriend before Lilly....was Gypsy. That ended in the middle of 2001. It's now the brink of 2005. So all in all, I've been alone for...hmm...almost 4 years. I do say, that has got to be some sort of fucking record. 4 years. Yup. Paint me a loser, huh?
That's probably the reason why the holidays hurt so much. I have no one to share them with. I've got no one that I can cuddle with as we light the candles of Hanukkah. No one to go to Christmas Eve dinner with at a friends house. No one to hold close and kiss as the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve. Sure, they might seem like little things to everyone else. But they aren't little things to me.
I'm once again reminded that EVERY FUCKING PERSON around me is with someone. My parents, happily married for 24 years. My sister Rachel, engaged for 2 years (roughly), with the same guy. Shane and Maria, together for what....6 years? Even Sarah and her struggling marriage...she's still got a father for her child, though. Troy and Jolene...don't even know how long they have been together. ALL my friends online. And everyone I still talk to in New Jersey, which is all of what...one? two of you at most? With someone, or married, or about to get married.
Now let's count the amount of people I hang around with that AREN'T with someone. Dave. I don't hang out with Dave cause he hangs out in his room all day. He's a hermit...I'm starting to think he's got the right idea. Winnie. I barely see Winnie, and he's always going on about his job. But he gets the ladies from time to time...I've heard of him with a couple of girls.
4 years. 4 fucking years of being alone. 4 years of no fond memories with someone I hold dear. That's not co-dependancy, my friends. That's pathetic at it's max.
It's 8:00 pm on a Thursday. I think, now that I'm done, I'm going to go and curl up in bed by myself, watch a little television, and then once again cry myself to sleep. That sounds like a good idea.
Life officially sucks.
I had a lot of time to think in the car. Shane says that my problem is co-dependancy. I think he's wrong. It's not even close to being that complex. It's a lot simpler.
It's loneliness.
Lilly and I were together for 2 years. But we were never together. We had a relationship through nothing more than a bunch of wires and interfaces over a span of several hundred and then thousand miles. That's not a relationship. So lets do the math.
My last girlfriend before Lilly....was Gypsy. That ended in the middle of 2001. It's now the brink of 2005. So all in all, I've been alone for...hmm...almost 4 years. I do say, that has got to be some sort of fucking record. 4 years. Yup. Paint me a loser, huh?
That's probably the reason why the holidays hurt so much. I have no one to share them with. I've got no one that I can cuddle with as we light the candles of Hanukkah. No one to go to Christmas Eve dinner with at a friends house. No one to hold close and kiss as the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve. Sure, they might seem like little things to everyone else. But they aren't little things to me.
I'm once again reminded that EVERY FUCKING PERSON around me is with someone. My parents, happily married for 24 years. My sister Rachel, engaged for 2 years (roughly), with the same guy. Shane and Maria, together for what....6 years? Even Sarah and her struggling marriage...she's still got a father for her child, though. Troy and Jolene...don't even know how long they have been together. ALL my friends online. And everyone I still talk to in New Jersey, which is all of what...one? two of you at most? With someone, or married, or about to get married.
Now let's count the amount of people I hang around with that AREN'T with someone. Dave. I don't hang out with Dave cause he hangs out in his room all day. He's a hermit...I'm starting to think he's got the right idea. Winnie. I barely see Winnie, and he's always going on about his job. But he gets the ladies from time to time...I've heard of him with a couple of girls.
4 years. 4 fucking years of being alone. 4 years of no fond memories with someone I hold dear. That's not co-dependancy, my friends. That's pathetic at it's max.
It's 8:00 pm on a Thursday. I think, now that I'm done, I'm going to go and curl up in bed by myself, watch a little television, and then once again cry myself to sleep. That sounds like a good idea.
Life officially sucks.