(no subject)
Saturday was .... complicated. I woke up feeling like it was going to be a bad day, in the emotional sense. Waiting for the bus I felt like crying, but the annoyance of taking the bus downtown pre-St-Patricks-Day-Parade prevented it from happening. I HATE parade day. Trashed people are freaking annoying, especially working in customer service when you cant tell them that they're dicks. And even after they all leave downtown, the whole area is also trashed, in a different sense. I mean, I've lived here almost all my life, I expect downtown to be a little dirty, but the weekend of the parade is the only day all year when I actually have to wade through garbage just to get to my bus stop. Not to mention the fact that I saw dried vomit on the sidewalks on average about twice per block... I swear, I will NEVER be downtown for that damn parade EVER again unless I'm waitressing, like I was this year.
Because as much as I hate parade day, I made MAD money. The last time I made this much in one day was at Picasso's, where I worked 10:30AM to 10 (or later!)PM (with no break) most days. At least this time I didn't have to work quite as long, and I actually got a short break so I could drop by Starbucks and get free tea for my roomies, not to mention discounted drinks for some of my co-workers. Whee!
But still, it can't really be counted as a good day. I never actually cried in public but I did tear up a few times. So I guess in terms of self-control and getting better, It was a victory. But emotionally, not so much. I was determined not to break down, and I didn't but if it hadn't been for the total craziness at work then I don't think my will alone would have been enough. Every time I had even a minute of calm, I wanted to cry.
I really wish I could just sleep through the next year or so, and skip past all the heartache, and lonliness, and confusion. I know that's kind of lame, but hey, isn't that basically what he's doing? Finding a way to just skip past all the pain? Of course, he's an expert at avoiding the consequences of his actions, so I shouldn't be surprised, and really, I'm not. But I think that this avoidance of his is the reason he really hasn't grown up or healed much in all the years I've known him. Sure, sometimes he'll say out loud that he's sorry, or he was wrong, but deep down he's always justifying his actions to himself. If you can't ever really believe you did wrong, what motivation will you ever have to improve yourself and do better?
One good example is him hitting me. Sure, he apologized, he knew that doing it was wrong. He says he's afraid that had we stayed together, things would have escalated and I would have ended up dead. But then he goes on to say that when he's angry at me, he's angrier than anyone else in his life has ever made him. Well duh... He could always make me angrier than anyone too. Neither of us had ever lived with a lover before, neither of us had ever been with another person nearly as long as we were together, so obviously, I know better what buttons to push when I'm pissed off, and vice versa, than anyone else does. Also, when someone you love does something stupid it's generally going to elicit a stronger reaction than when someone random does it... because you CARE about that person more. So me being able to make him so angry is not some defect in me or in the way we were together, it's the natural result of being together so long. True, we didn't always handle it well - there were certianly times when one of us would say exactly the things we knew would hurt most - but the fact that we each had the ability to make each other so mad is totally normal. Kudos to him for realizing that hitting me is wrong, but using "you make me so mad" as an explanation is just total bull. If he ever manages to stay with another woman long enough for her to know him as well as I did, then he's going to feel the exact same thing towards her. I mean really... he can recognize that he's violent enough that he's afraid he would have killed me, but he thinks that's all due to the negative patterns in our relationship? Can we say deluded? If you feel you have the capability to kill another human being in rage, the proper response is anger management classes, because even if you're not around the person anymore, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. No matter how angry a person makes you, feeling like you might kill them is NOT a normal or healthy response in ANY way, EVER. So saying "I'm afraid I would have killed you, because you make me so angry" is just one more example of not taking responsibility, and of running away.
And the sad part is, I think he really believes all these justifications he has in his mind. Which means he will never, ever get better unless he somehow comes to realize how messed up all these patterns of his are and really decides to change them, on his own.
But that's enough stream-of-conciousness for now... time to enjoy the lovely spring day until I have to go to work!
Because as much as I hate parade day, I made MAD money. The last time I made this much in one day was at Picasso's, where I worked 10:30AM to 10 (or later!)PM (with no break) most days. At least this time I didn't have to work quite as long, and I actually got a short break so I could drop by Starbucks and get free tea for my roomies, not to mention discounted drinks for some of my co-workers. Whee!
But still, it can't really be counted as a good day. I never actually cried in public but I did tear up a few times. So I guess in terms of self-control and getting better, It was a victory. But emotionally, not so much. I was determined not to break down, and I didn't but if it hadn't been for the total craziness at work then I don't think my will alone would have been enough. Every time I had even a minute of calm, I wanted to cry.
I really wish I could just sleep through the next year or so, and skip past all the heartache, and lonliness, and confusion. I know that's kind of lame, but hey, isn't that basically what he's doing? Finding a way to just skip past all the pain? Of course, he's an expert at avoiding the consequences of his actions, so I shouldn't be surprised, and really, I'm not. But I think that this avoidance of his is the reason he really hasn't grown up or healed much in all the years I've known him. Sure, sometimes he'll say out loud that he's sorry, or he was wrong, but deep down he's always justifying his actions to himself. If you can't ever really believe you did wrong, what motivation will you ever have to improve yourself and do better?
One good example is him hitting me. Sure, he apologized, he knew that doing it was wrong. He says he's afraid that had we stayed together, things would have escalated and I would have ended up dead. But then he goes on to say that when he's angry at me, he's angrier than anyone else in his life has ever made him. Well duh... He could always make me angrier than anyone too. Neither of us had ever lived with a lover before, neither of us had ever been with another person nearly as long as we were together, so obviously, I know better what buttons to push when I'm pissed off, and vice versa, than anyone else does. Also, when someone you love does something stupid it's generally going to elicit a stronger reaction than when someone random does it... because you CARE about that person more. So me being able to make him so angry is not some defect in me or in the way we were together, it's the natural result of being together so long. True, we didn't always handle it well - there were certianly times when one of us would say exactly the things we knew would hurt most - but the fact that we each had the ability to make each other so mad is totally normal. Kudos to him for realizing that hitting me is wrong, but using "you make me so mad" as an explanation is just total bull. If he ever manages to stay with another woman long enough for her to know him as well as I did, then he's going to feel the exact same thing towards her. I mean really... he can recognize that he's violent enough that he's afraid he would have killed me, but he thinks that's all due to the negative patterns in our relationship? Can we say deluded? If you feel you have the capability to kill another human being in rage, the proper response is anger management classes, because even if you're not around the person anymore, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. No matter how angry a person makes you, feeling like you might kill them is NOT a normal or healthy response in ANY way, EVER. So saying "I'm afraid I would have killed you, because you make me so angry" is just one more example of not taking responsibility, and of running away.
And the sad part is, I think he really believes all these justifications he has in his mind. Which means he will never, ever get better unless he somehow comes to realize how messed up all these patterns of his are and really decides to change them, on his own.
But that's enough stream-of-conciousness for now... time to enjoy the lovely spring day until I have to go to work!