(no subject)
i'm hurt and a bit distraught (sp?) .. somehow i always find my way back to my journal at times like these.. i just had an hour and a half long convo with a friend.. lectures and more lectures.. i seem to be bombarded from every angle these days.. parents say one thing, friends all say something, everyone has something to fucking say.... ahhhhh.. i'm gettin pressured from every angle goddamn it.. life doesnt make sense any more- what is our purpose here anyway? i seem to have forgotten.. can u draw me a map for where i need to go and who i'm supposed to be? blaaaaahhhh..
my mom decided to stay here this summer. which i guess is good.. less tension on my part.. i want to go somewhere far away.. somewhere i wont have to think about any of this bull shit.. why do i find myself in this situation every once in a while.. whyyyyyyyy.. ppl say that u should be religious- people that stray are the ones that get depressed.. maybe its true.. but how am i supposed to turn to god now? when i've been away for so long.. barely turned to look back and now just because i need something? anything.. guidance.. a new life.. now i go back? doesnt hardly seem fair or right even.. what then? stay in this state? shouldnt i find any excuse to go back to my religion? maybe it will calm my soul, that is, if i still have one.. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i hurt so badly inside.. no one understands me.. they think they get it.. they dont.. they just dont get it.. how could they? no one knows me anymore.. i barely know myself.. my priorites, my favorites, my anything and everything.. its skewed.. how's a person to know how to fix something when they cant find where its broken.. but i am broken. i know i am.. it huts too much to not be broken.. fuck
so now what? try to be religious? find a hobby? keep myself busy? i have shamed myself to the point where i dont even feel like looking myself in mirror.. for what? over what? nothing.. absolutely nothing.. life has taken a bite out of me that it refuses to give back.. i'm angry inside.. i'm broken and angry...
save me.. :-/
my mom decided to stay here this summer. which i guess is good.. less tension on my part.. i want to go somewhere far away.. somewhere i wont have to think about any of this bull shit.. why do i find myself in this situation every once in a while.. whyyyyyyyy.. ppl say that u should be religious- people that stray are the ones that get depressed.. maybe its true.. but how am i supposed to turn to god now? when i've been away for so long.. barely turned to look back and now just because i need something? anything.. guidance.. a new life.. now i go back? doesnt hardly seem fair or right even.. what then? stay in this state? shouldnt i find any excuse to go back to my religion? maybe it will calm my soul, that is, if i still have one.. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i hurt so badly inside.. no one understands me.. they think they get it.. they dont.. they just dont get it.. how could they? no one knows me anymore.. i barely know myself.. my priorites, my favorites, my anything and everything.. its skewed.. how's a person to know how to fix something when they cant find where its broken.. but i am broken. i know i am.. it huts too much to not be broken.. fuck
so now what? try to be religious? find a hobby? keep myself busy? i have shamed myself to the point where i dont even feel like looking myself in mirror.. for what? over what? nothing.. absolutely nothing.. life has taken a bite out of me that it refuses to give back.. i'm angry inside.. i'm broken and angry...
save me.. :-/