(no subject)
While I didn’t sleep in all that long, I got about four hours sleep, I still wake up with things on my mind. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep at night, but I kind of find it hard to sleep at all because there is no way to just ‘stop’ my mind. Either way, the sleep I do get is quite worth the attempts to go to sleep, even if the dreams that I have on some nights leave something to be desired… That’s what dreams are though: A false reality or place. At times I’ve wondered if perhaps they can be views into the future, but I seriously doubt that one. While I do believe they can give signs, at times, I’m not sure they’re very accurate otherwise.
Regardless… That is not a heavy subject I want to Blog about. For most of my life I have wondered what kind of purpose I have. Like: What is my reason to live? Why do I even bother to wake up in the morning? Why do I keep going through some of the things I do just so I can get to the other side of them? When will there be a time of peace and rest? Nice questions, I’m sure.
I know some of the things that I want from this life. While they probably sound simple and people could say: That’s what everyone wants… Unlike most people, that is all I want from life. One of the things I desire, if none of the others come to pass, is to live a life of valor. With such valor, actually, that it could be said that I never backed down from a problem or ran away when things got hot. While it would probably accompany the words reckless and foolish… That is something that I am willing to accept. Does it matter what kind of things I combat in life, to achieve this? Not really, it doesn’t. I’ve always felt the more problems, the better. This is, at least, in some regards. Obviously this view in life would change if it was had someone else depending on me. I guess I would rather my life be an example that anything can be overcome if someone puts enough desire into it. I would undertake probably any hardship just so that others could have that view. Call it foolish, reckless, or whatever you will though. I guess the question is this. How is this view foolish when you can look at others’ lives that didn’t influence a soul and just passed away in silence? Was it a wasted life? Only time will tell.
While I would always keep my valor in my life, there are certain things that I would blunt it for. Perhaps rest more so that I’m not going to experience a young death because of my recklessness or lack of rest. One is obviously if I one day start my own family, get married, or just find someone to live for. Another scenario would be if a close friend, family member, or other person relied on me heavily to help them. I guess in ways, I am more of a romantic/lover at heart than I am a warrior, though that can be hard to see if you look over my past in life. Of course, you have to be put into situations to show who you are, no?
Perhaps my life has put me through what it has for reasons. While I would not trade my life for a more ‘peaceful’ life or trade it for one with more peace… There are some regrets that I do have. While I would probably desire to trade them off or make them right, it is something that I can’t do. Perhaps the regrets help make me who I am today. Even with all of the wear and tear I no doubt suffer from and will in the future, it was worth it. While at times it could be classified as hell I’ve been put through at times, I have learnt a great deal from my trials. I’ll even venture as far out to say that I am thankful for the beatings in life that I have taken.
While my friends are few, I wouldn’t have met any of them if I didn’t live the life that I did. Also, I would not be the person that I am today. While I feel that I’m not that good of a person, I do know that at least I am above average when it comes to some regards. Like, for instance, I’m not ashamed to admit that I watch movies that aren’t exactly guy orientated. The classic romance movie or ‘chick’ flick as some would call it, actually appeals to me on some levels. So do movies like Saving Private Ryan and Gladiator. I guess you could say that I’m not so narrow minded that I just like one thing and stick with it.
With all of that said and done… I have learnt a lot about this weekend. Of course, the real test begins tonight, tomorrow, and the next day when I have no one around me. I think there will be some points in that day where I don’t have contact with anyone for up to twelve hours. I guess time will tell then if I have regressed any. Will I eventually feel like I’m wasting my life when I’m alone and have no one to talk with? Maybe… If that is the case though, then I have regressed. Or will I cave back into some of the things that I am trying to break away from? That is one of the biggest problems that I face over these next few days… If I can break away from that, I feel that there will be a huge step taken forward. It’s not going to be easy though… In fact, it will probably be the hardest test I will face in my life. Unlike some of the other tests, there will be no one around when I face them… While at other times in my life, even when I was alone emotionally/mentally, there were people physically around me like my mother or father. While I did not lean or share my problems with them, they were at least in the house if I wanted a break away from the trials just to talk or watch TV with. My online friends have taken that place now, but most of them will be away when I probably have to face these demons. Of course, that’s probably how I prefer it in the end. No need to drag others into your fights, right?
All and all though, I would have to say that this was a decent weekend. Most of it was spent playing DW5:XL with my nephew. I’ll probably end up working on the forum some today, I’m normally most productive on Sunday, and that will especially kick in since I have nothing else to really do. There are minor things that I will do over the course of the day, but they’ll only last a couple of minutes tops. Such an exciting life I tell you. Anyways, hope everyone is having a good weekend and it’s almost winter/Christmas. Of course, to those that don’t believe in it, happy holidays. Depends on what kind beliefs you follow there, but I’ll avoid going into that since everyone has their own view on things.
Regardless… That is not a heavy subject I want to Blog about. For most of my life I have wondered what kind of purpose I have. Like: What is my reason to live? Why do I even bother to wake up in the morning? Why do I keep going through some of the things I do just so I can get to the other side of them? When will there be a time of peace and rest? Nice questions, I’m sure.
I know some of the things that I want from this life. While they probably sound simple and people could say: That’s what everyone wants… Unlike most people, that is all I want from life. One of the things I desire, if none of the others come to pass, is to live a life of valor. With such valor, actually, that it could be said that I never backed down from a problem or ran away when things got hot. While it would probably accompany the words reckless and foolish… That is something that I am willing to accept. Does it matter what kind of things I combat in life, to achieve this? Not really, it doesn’t. I’ve always felt the more problems, the better. This is, at least, in some regards. Obviously this view in life would change if it was had someone else depending on me. I guess I would rather my life be an example that anything can be overcome if someone puts enough desire into it. I would undertake probably any hardship just so that others could have that view. Call it foolish, reckless, or whatever you will though. I guess the question is this. How is this view foolish when you can look at others’ lives that didn’t influence a soul and just passed away in silence? Was it a wasted life? Only time will tell.
While I would always keep my valor in my life, there are certain things that I would blunt it for. Perhaps rest more so that I’m not going to experience a young death because of my recklessness or lack of rest. One is obviously if I one day start my own family, get married, or just find someone to live for. Another scenario would be if a close friend, family member, or other person relied on me heavily to help them. I guess in ways, I am more of a romantic/lover at heart than I am a warrior, though that can be hard to see if you look over my past in life. Of course, you have to be put into situations to show who you are, no?
Perhaps my life has put me through what it has for reasons. While I would not trade my life for a more ‘peaceful’ life or trade it for one with more peace… There are some regrets that I do have. While I would probably desire to trade them off or make them right, it is something that I can’t do. Perhaps the regrets help make me who I am today. Even with all of the wear and tear I no doubt suffer from and will in the future, it was worth it. While at times it could be classified as hell I’ve been put through at times, I have learnt a great deal from my trials. I’ll even venture as far out to say that I am thankful for the beatings in life that I have taken.
While my friends are few, I wouldn’t have met any of them if I didn’t live the life that I did. Also, I would not be the person that I am today. While I feel that I’m not that good of a person, I do know that at least I am above average when it comes to some regards. Like, for instance, I’m not ashamed to admit that I watch movies that aren’t exactly guy orientated. The classic romance movie or ‘chick’ flick as some would call it, actually appeals to me on some levels. So do movies like Saving Private Ryan and Gladiator. I guess you could say that I’m not so narrow minded that I just like one thing and stick with it.
With all of that said and done… I have learnt a lot about this weekend. Of course, the real test begins tonight, tomorrow, and the next day when I have no one around me. I think there will be some points in that day where I don’t have contact with anyone for up to twelve hours. I guess time will tell then if I have regressed any. Will I eventually feel like I’m wasting my life when I’m alone and have no one to talk with? Maybe… If that is the case though, then I have regressed. Or will I cave back into some of the things that I am trying to break away from? That is one of the biggest problems that I face over these next few days… If I can break away from that, I feel that there will be a huge step taken forward. It’s not going to be easy though… In fact, it will probably be the hardest test I will face in my life. Unlike some of the other tests, there will be no one around when I face them… While at other times in my life, even when I was alone emotionally/mentally, there were people physically around me like my mother or father. While I did not lean or share my problems with them, they were at least in the house if I wanted a break away from the trials just to talk or watch TV with. My online friends have taken that place now, but most of them will be away when I probably have to face these demons. Of course, that’s probably how I prefer it in the end. No need to drag others into your fights, right?
All and all though, I would have to say that this was a decent weekend. Most of it was spent playing DW5:XL with my nephew. I’ll probably end up working on the forum some today, I’m normally most productive on Sunday, and that will especially kick in since I have nothing else to really do. There are minor things that I will do over the course of the day, but they’ll only last a couple of minutes tops. Such an exciting life I tell you. Anyways, hope everyone is having a good weekend and it’s almost winter/Christmas. Of course, to those that don’t believe in it, happy holidays. Depends on what kind beliefs you follow there, but I’ll avoid going into that since everyone has their own view on things.