Rants Delivered!
Previously, I had been a tool (no surprise there) and opened the forum for The Random Rant Meme. Sixteen of you asked for rants on various topics. My rants are quick and dirty, much like me.
marasca requests a rant on “Goddamn fucking pudding”...
It’s bad enough that there is pudding out there, much less pudding that has been damned by Yahweh God. But when it thinks it has the right to fuck like it was a higher life form... that really gets me steamed. Is pudding a man? No. Is pudding an animal? No. Pudding that has been deemed accursed in the eyes of Yahweh God is undeserving of the rights and privileges of the higher creatures, and shall not fuck. That’s right. Not even rice pudding, or figgy pudding, or Christmas pudding. They know the rules laid down by E. Gary Gygax: a pudding reproduces asexually, or by infecting a host organism and converting it into pudding. No pudding coitus allowed.
ajmcoqui craved a rant on “The Blade trilogy (inspired by yesterday’s release of the third movie on DVD)”...
Ok, raise your fucking hand if you think the world needs more of Wesley Snipes as a tormented half-man half-vampire. Anyone? No. Is it called “Blades”? No. Just “Blade”. That’s singular, which means only one movie. One Wesley Snipes. One Stephen Dorff. One Kris Kristoffersen. We love the bad guy because he’s hot man flesh. We love Wesley because he’s tormented. We don’t need to see it two more times, worse. And what about the DVD extras? You’d think a vampire movie would come with, say, a free stake, or some garlic. Nothing. Just some “deleted scenes”. Whoop-de-fuck.
xgreenjudasx mumbled about ranting on “The state of American Youth ("Kids these days ...")”...
American Youth? Oy gevault, don’t get me started... They complain and bitch and moan about how tough life is, but come on. When I was young, they didn’t have gangs in my part of town. Now you can go out and join a gang through the internet! Crikey! Online applications to join the Crips and the Bloods? We had it tough, let me tell you, boy howdy. I sure wasn’t allowed to go on a shooting rampage in my high school just because the other kids didn’t like me. Now everybody’s doing it! And the sex! When I was young, you couldn’t even say the word “penis” without getting five days of suspension, and now you can knock up a girl in your bio class and call it a science project. What a world...
fizrep sought a rant on “What the FUCK is wrong with dead people? They just sit there on their deceased bitchasses, doing nothing and polluting our air with methane and other decomposition byproducts. Who the fuck do they think they are?”...
Dead people? They think they’re so special. Oh sure, they outnumber the living at least two or three to one. But does that give them any really special rights? Very few of them have jobs, and a lot of them just waste their time playing jokes on the living, like that Samara Morgan bitch, or those bony fucks who were messing with Bruce Campbell that one time. They don’t need rights. They need to sit down and shut the fuck up and go back to feeding worms like they’re supposed to. The circle of life ends with them.
silent_r_infork wanted a rant on “The consequences of genetic tampering.”...
“Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I’m rich.” That’s the motto of today’s genetic engineers. But let’s be serious. Don’t they understand that they’re tampering with the very building blocks of life on Earth? Can they not fathom the hazards of the trail they have chosen to walk? Have they never seen Jurassic Park? Do they not remember The Boys From Brazil? Who are we to play God, when we might accidentally unleash a plague of Mutant Nazi Dinosaurs who will subjugate all mankind? My God! The humanity! Oh, the humanity!
afterwards cuts right to my bones with her quest for a rant on “When people try to be funny and don't succeed.”...
chaosvizier? Don’t get me started on that jerkweed. Oh, he thinks he’s all funny and stuff, with his smart-alecky comments and his sarcasm and his supposed “wit”, but come on. He just talks crazy talk and jabbers on and on about nothing at all. When will he learn to shut the fuck up and leave the funny to professional comedians like Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller? People like him just have no clue, and prattle on just to hear their own voices and laugh at their own self-styled “jokes”. Wankers.
sskipstress desired a simple rant on a simple topic: “Mimes.”...
(You can’t see it from where you are, but right now, I am totally doing a charade that depicts my complete and utter contempt for all persons of the mimetic persuasion. And it rocks.)
angledge challenged me to rant “on the topic of tofu”...
If there was ever a food that subscribed to the “minimalist” art movement, it would be this formless tasteless mass. Soybean curd? Turd? What is this stuff? I’ve eaten play-dough with more flavor than this shit. It looks like the stuff that they suck out of liposuction patients and gets turned into soap by Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Who in their right mind thinks this falls into the category of “food”? Oh sure, you can eat it. I can eat my toenails too, but that doesn’t mean some hippie chef will serve me up my clippings with teriyaki sauce and a side of rice and seitan. Seitan! Don’t even get me started...
drradium asks a valid question: “Why do i have to get shot at when I go to the 24 hour chicken shack in newark?”...
Sometimes you just want chicken. Everyone knows this. Everyone’s had the craving. It’s 3 am, and you need some fucking fried chicken. Who’s the arrogant sonofabitch who takes advantage of our hunger and waits nearby, opening fire at wannabe customers and driving them away? Who is such a merciless bastard that he would deny a man (or woman) an evening’s worth of chicken? You’re a fucking pussy. You don’t want to come down and face off with me, because you’re too scared to take on a chicken-craving lunatic mano-a-mano. Fuck you and your gun, and the city of Newark too.
dubh_ceol also targets close to home, seeking a rant on “LJDQ and Quizlings”...
All I wanted was to ask some questions and get some funnies back. Now it’s just red fucking tape all over. Submit Question concepts to the Department of Questioning Affairs for consideration, as well as form DQ/233/F in triplicate. Gather and process information on all 93 new Quizlings from this week and submit information to Office of Homeland Security to find out which ones pose a threat to our national security. What happened to the good old days, when it was a simple homegrown business run out of my garage? Why did I sell out? I thought I’d get money and fame and hookers, but all I got were a bunch of anonymous perverts and fangirls! Why, God, Why?
rowantree demands my civil disobedience in the form of a rant against “George W. Bush”...
George W. Bush? What a total poser. Let’s face it, aggressively pointing out the W will not make you cooler than your father, George H.W. Bush. So get over it. And it’s not going to make you all hip and cool like Will Smith in the song “Wild Wild West”. GWB is not as cool as JWB. Fuck it, you’re not even as cool as the GW Bridge. That has more claim to a W than you do. Stop trying to hype yourself up. Keep it simple, stupid; your name is George Bush. That’s what the kids called you in school. Don’t go pretending you’re all that. Using a middle initial is for 19th century business tycoons or U.S. Presidents. And you’re neither.
benmiff probably wanted something else when he asked for a rant on “Golf clubs”...
Why golf clubs? What exactly makes the Volkswagen Golf so special a car that it merits its own club? It’s just a fucking VW car. A small one, at that. No luxury. No special features. No upper-class stigma. It’s a goddam Volkswagen! Do you see any Mercedes Clubs? Or Jaguar Clubs? I think not. Hell, even other Volkswagens deserve clubs more than the Golf. Punchbuggies! They’re a cult icon! If any car deserves its own snooty club, it’s a VW Beetle (not the new ones, the old ones; get with it, folks). Golf? That’s fucking lame. Oh, and the sport sucks too.
jonem’s theory is Simple Life, Simple Rant: “Paris Hilton's fashion sense”...
What’s in a name? Nothing, by Ms. Hilton’s standards. If your name is Paris, you’ve got to stand up to Parisian fashion sense. If your name is Hilton, you must dress according to the Hiltonian standard. She has combined the two and taken none of those elements to heart. And yet she manages to clothe her pet in finery that would put all of Saks Fifth Avenue to shame. How is this even possible? The sheer contradiction in actions, giving better raiment unto your chihuahua than you give unto yourself... Mind-boggling!
grapefruitzzz had a hard-core fan rant: “Bloody Christopher Eccleston swanning off after one season, who does he think he is?”
(You know, I had to actually do research to figure out what the hell you were talking about. But I’m so devoted to this meme that I will go to the ends of the earth to find a way to succeed in ranting about anything and everything.)
Doctor Who? What? No, who! Who? Christopher Eccleston! Who? The guy who played Dr. Who! No, not Tom Baker. That’s old school. This is a new young whippersnapper. He got the honour to play one of the most famous icons of sci-fi TV history, and he up and quits after one episode airs! How? No, who! Who? Yes, Doctor Who. Doctor Eccleston? No, he’s just playing. But he’s not anymore, because he quit. What a loser. Who? Yeah. What? No, who! Who? THIRD BASE!
moocow1985 appeals to the collegians for a rant on “The uselessness that is college health services.”...
Look, I know colleges are concerned about the sexual health of their hormone-laden population, but they need to settle down. There I was, having dislocated my shoulder carrying $927 worth of textbooks uphill in the snow, and the med student on call checks my blood, gives me a rectal, and prescribes six months of birth control pills. Never mind my arm dangling limply like an engineer’s penis in physics lecture. Never mind my insistence that I had no unidentifiable discharge. Never mind the fact that I was a man. So now here I am, loaded with hormones, eating chocolate ice cream by the gallon and growing tits, and my shoulder still hurts like a sonofabitch. Goddammit!
Finally, technoinfidel targets the movie industry, requesting a rant on “Peter Jackson's total incompetence in making films of Lord of the Rings. Also add reasons he should die.”...
Jackson? More like Hackson! This person clearly has no concept when it comes to making movies. Who casts an epic fantasy and completely lacks a nude scene? Who besides George Lucas has the cajones to make the hero a midget? I’m certain Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been the perfect Frodo. And a race of blonde gay elves? No one’s going to buy that. I know that when Tolkien wrote this epic trilogy, he would have wanted more titties, more buff warrior heroes, and fewer gay elves in his realizations. The use of Agent Smith was too little, too late. Jackson displayed a total ignorance of the entire fantasy genre in his direction. Christ! Did the man even play a game of Dungeons and Dragons ever? Did he even see Willow and The Dark Crystal? Best Director, my ass!
EDIT (3 May 05) - Two new requests submitted, and now completed!
utforsker is antsy for rhyme, seeking rants on "Pants"...
I'd like to get my very strong hands on the throat of the fashion guru who thought pants needed to be complicated. The world needs only two kinds of pants- long and short. Now we have short-short, longish-short, shortish-long, Capris, Parachute pants, Gangsta pants, dress pants, suit pants, leather pants, and my least favorite, pants with the butt cheeks exposed. TOO MUCH PANTS! If I have a sudden craving for pants, I want to be in and out of Macy's within ten minutes tops. I do not need to be confronted by a plethora of pantly choices. Oh, and while I'm here, whoever thought that ants deserve to live in pants needs to rethink that. Ants do NOT belong in my pants. Period.
phoenix___flame targets the Big Guy himself: "God"...
God? Overrated. Anyone billed as Almighty and Omnipotent should have at least a bit more influence on this world he/she/it supposedly created. Really. Why tolerate unbelievers and persecutors when you have Limitless Power (tm) at your disposal? Sure, you could do it Sid Meier style and just watch civilization prosper and grow under your subtle commands, but why waste all that time? The game of Populous taught us that gods are mighty, with powers of lightning and fire at their command, and they use them. A lot. God needs to step up with the Displays Of Lordly Might (tm) if he wants to keep our interest and attention. Mankind is fickle and prone to distraction, but nothing says "Wake the fuck up, people!" like a good flaming sphere from the heavens with a big "G" carved on the front. Till that starts happening, I'm not impressed.
seregwen goes for a younger target: "Those fucking freshmen. Not all freshmen, just the actually fucking 14 year olds who brag about their abortions, or their third miscarraige. Damn Highschoolers!"...
Back in my day, "freshmen" were "fresh". Young and exuberant and innocent in the ways of the world, just learning to pluck cherries from trees, fly with the birds and buzz with the bees. Now the cherries they pluck are the chicks that they fuck, and the birds and the bees take lessons on their knees from these freshmen hippie wanna-be's. They make great wrecks of the joy of sex; they walk the walk without loving the cock; they are no better than a common street whore, or Bill Gates' credo: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
jessicamariek finishes things up with a personal favorite of mine: "People who can't drive. Specifically, people who think they can drive, and then are swerving all over the highway because they're more concentrated on stuffing that burger into their fat mouths than they are on, ya know, keeping the car on the damn ROAD."
The words of the masters tell us how best to operate a car. Peter Parker's wise Uncle Ben said, "With great power comes great responsibility." And a car has great power. Hundred and thousands of horsepower. So where's the responsibility when you're talking on your cell phone while applying makeup, or stuffing your face while blaring your mobile stereo? Master Yoda said "Concentrate!" The car is not for the fleet of attention span or the easily distracted. If you have a ferret's addiction to bright shiny objects, the only thing you should be doing in a car is passenging and SHUTTING THE FUCK UP so that the real driver can work his/her mojo. And finally, Commander Worf said "Today is a good day to die." This is why you never see him driving a car.
marasca requests a rant on “Goddamn fucking pudding”...
It’s bad enough that there is pudding out there, much less pudding that has been damned by Yahweh God. But when it thinks it has the right to fuck like it was a higher life form... that really gets me steamed. Is pudding a man? No. Is pudding an animal? No. Pudding that has been deemed accursed in the eyes of Yahweh God is undeserving of the rights and privileges of the higher creatures, and shall not fuck. That’s right. Not even rice pudding, or figgy pudding, or Christmas pudding. They know the rules laid down by E. Gary Gygax: a pudding reproduces asexually, or by infecting a host organism and converting it into pudding. No pudding coitus allowed.
ajmcoqui craved a rant on “The Blade trilogy (inspired by yesterday’s release of the third movie on DVD)”...
Ok, raise your fucking hand if you think the world needs more of Wesley Snipes as a tormented half-man half-vampire. Anyone? No. Is it called “Blades”? No. Just “Blade”. That’s singular, which means only one movie. One Wesley Snipes. One Stephen Dorff. One Kris Kristoffersen. We love the bad guy because he’s hot man flesh. We love Wesley because he’s tormented. We don’t need to see it two more times, worse. And what about the DVD extras? You’d think a vampire movie would come with, say, a free stake, or some garlic. Nothing. Just some “deleted scenes”. Whoop-de-fuck.
xgreenjudasx mumbled about ranting on “The state of American Youth ("Kids these days ...")”...
American Youth? Oy gevault, don’t get me started... They complain and bitch and moan about how tough life is, but come on. When I was young, they didn’t have gangs in my part of town. Now you can go out and join a gang through the internet! Crikey! Online applications to join the Crips and the Bloods? We had it tough, let me tell you, boy howdy. I sure wasn’t allowed to go on a shooting rampage in my high school just because the other kids didn’t like me. Now everybody’s doing it! And the sex! When I was young, you couldn’t even say the word “penis” without getting five days of suspension, and now you can knock up a girl in your bio class and call it a science project. What a world...
fizrep sought a rant on “What the FUCK is wrong with dead people? They just sit there on their deceased bitchasses, doing nothing and polluting our air with methane and other decomposition byproducts. Who the fuck do they think they are?”...
Dead people? They think they’re so special. Oh sure, they outnumber the living at least two or three to one. But does that give them any really special rights? Very few of them have jobs, and a lot of them just waste their time playing jokes on the living, like that Samara Morgan bitch, or those bony fucks who were messing with Bruce Campbell that one time. They don’t need rights. They need to sit down and shut the fuck up and go back to feeding worms like they’re supposed to. The circle of life ends with them.
silent_r_infork wanted a rant on “The consequences of genetic tampering.”...
“Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I’m rich.” That’s the motto of today’s genetic engineers. But let’s be serious. Don’t they understand that they’re tampering with the very building blocks of life on Earth? Can they not fathom the hazards of the trail they have chosen to walk? Have they never seen Jurassic Park? Do they not remember The Boys From Brazil? Who are we to play God, when we might accidentally unleash a plague of Mutant Nazi Dinosaurs who will subjugate all mankind? My God! The humanity! Oh, the humanity!
afterwards cuts right to my bones with her quest for a rant on “When people try to be funny and don't succeed.”...
chaosvizier? Don’t get me started on that jerkweed. Oh, he thinks he’s all funny and stuff, with his smart-alecky comments and his sarcasm and his supposed “wit”, but come on. He just talks crazy talk and jabbers on and on about nothing at all. When will he learn to shut the fuck up and leave the funny to professional comedians like Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller? People like him just have no clue, and prattle on just to hear their own voices and laugh at their own self-styled “jokes”. Wankers.
sskipstress desired a simple rant on a simple topic: “Mimes.”...
(You can’t see it from where you are, but right now, I am totally doing a charade that depicts my complete and utter contempt for all persons of the mimetic persuasion. And it rocks.)
angledge challenged me to rant “on the topic of tofu”...
If there was ever a food that subscribed to the “minimalist” art movement, it would be this formless tasteless mass. Soybean curd? Turd? What is this stuff? I’ve eaten play-dough with more flavor than this shit. It looks like the stuff that they suck out of liposuction patients and gets turned into soap by Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Who in their right mind thinks this falls into the category of “food”? Oh sure, you can eat it. I can eat my toenails too, but that doesn’t mean some hippie chef will serve me up my clippings with teriyaki sauce and a side of rice and seitan. Seitan! Don’t even get me started...
drradium asks a valid question: “Why do i have to get shot at when I go to the 24 hour chicken shack in newark?”...
Sometimes you just want chicken. Everyone knows this. Everyone’s had the craving. It’s 3 am, and you need some fucking fried chicken. Who’s the arrogant sonofabitch who takes advantage of our hunger and waits nearby, opening fire at wannabe customers and driving them away? Who is such a merciless bastard that he would deny a man (or woman) an evening’s worth of chicken? You’re a fucking pussy. You don’t want to come down and face off with me, because you’re too scared to take on a chicken-craving lunatic mano-a-mano. Fuck you and your gun, and the city of Newark too.
dubh_ceol also targets close to home, seeking a rant on “LJDQ and Quizlings”...
All I wanted was to ask some questions and get some funnies back. Now it’s just red fucking tape all over. Submit Question concepts to the Department of Questioning Affairs for consideration, as well as form DQ/233/F in triplicate. Gather and process information on all 93 new Quizlings from this week and submit information to Office of Homeland Security to find out which ones pose a threat to our national security. What happened to the good old days, when it was a simple homegrown business run out of my garage? Why did I sell out? I thought I’d get money and fame and hookers, but all I got were a bunch of anonymous perverts and fangirls! Why, God, Why?
rowantree demands my civil disobedience in the form of a rant against “George W. Bush”...
George W. Bush? What a total poser. Let’s face it, aggressively pointing out the W will not make you cooler than your father, George H.W. Bush. So get over it. And it’s not going to make you all hip and cool like Will Smith in the song “Wild Wild West”. GWB is not as cool as JWB. Fuck it, you’re not even as cool as the GW Bridge. That has more claim to a W than you do. Stop trying to hype yourself up. Keep it simple, stupid; your name is George Bush. That’s what the kids called you in school. Don’t go pretending you’re all that. Using a middle initial is for 19th century business tycoons or U.S. Presidents. And you’re neither.
benmiff probably wanted something else when he asked for a rant on “Golf clubs”...
Why golf clubs? What exactly makes the Volkswagen Golf so special a car that it merits its own club? It’s just a fucking VW car. A small one, at that. No luxury. No special features. No upper-class stigma. It’s a goddam Volkswagen! Do you see any Mercedes Clubs? Or Jaguar Clubs? I think not. Hell, even other Volkswagens deserve clubs more than the Golf. Punchbuggies! They’re a cult icon! If any car deserves its own snooty club, it’s a VW Beetle (not the new ones, the old ones; get with it, folks). Golf? That’s fucking lame. Oh, and the sport sucks too.
jonem’s theory is Simple Life, Simple Rant: “Paris Hilton's fashion sense”...
What’s in a name? Nothing, by Ms. Hilton’s standards. If your name is Paris, you’ve got to stand up to Parisian fashion sense. If your name is Hilton, you must dress according to the Hiltonian standard. She has combined the two and taken none of those elements to heart. And yet she manages to clothe her pet in finery that would put all of Saks Fifth Avenue to shame. How is this even possible? The sheer contradiction in actions, giving better raiment unto your chihuahua than you give unto yourself... Mind-boggling!
grapefruitzzz had a hard-core fan rant: “Bloody Christopher Eccleston swanning off after one season, who does he think he is?”
(You know, I had to actually do research to figure out what the hell you were talking about. But I’m so devoted to this meme that I will go to the ends of the earth to find a way to succeed in ranting about anything and everything.)
Doctor Who? What? No, who! Who? Christopher Eccleston! Who? The guy who played Dr. Who! No, not Tom Baker. That’s old school. This is a new young whippersnapper. He got the honour to play one of the most famous icons of sci-fi TV history, and he up and quits after one episode airs! How? No, who! Who? Yes, Doctor Who. Doctor Eccleston? No, he’s just playing. But he’s not anymore, because he quit. What a loser. Who? Yeah. What? No, who! Who? THIRD BASE!
moocow1985 appeals to the collegians for a rant on “The uselessness that is college health services.”...
Look, I know colleges are concerned about the sexual health of their hormone-laden population, but they need to settle down. There I was, having dislocated my shoulder carrying $927 worth of textbooks uphill in the snow, and the med student on call checks my blood, gives me a rectal, and prescribes six months of birth control pills. Never mind my arm dangling limply like an engineer’s penis in physics lecture. Never mind my insistence that I had no unidentifiable discharge. Never mind the fact that I was a man. So now here I am, loaded with hormones, eating chocolate ice cream by the gallon and growing tits, and my shoulder still hurts like a sonofabitch. Goddammit!
Finally, technoinfidel targets the movie industry, requesting a rant on “Peter Jackson's total incompetence in making films of Lord of the Rings. Also add reasons he should die.”...
Jackson? More like Hackson! This person clearly has no concept when it comes to making movies. Who casts an epic fantasy and completely lacks a nude scene? Who besides George Lucas has the cajones to make the hero a midget? I’m certain Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been the perfect Frodo. And a race of blonde gay elves? No one’s going to buy that. I know that when Tolkien wrote this epic trilogy, he would have wanted more titties, more buff warrior heroes, and fewer gay elves in his realizations. The use of Agent Smith was too little, too late. Jackson displayed a total ignorance of the entire fantasy genre in his direction. Christ! Did the man even play a game of Dungeons and Dragons ever? Did he even see Willow and The Dark Crystal? Best Director, my ass!
EDIT (3 May 05) - Two new requests submitted, and now completed!
utforsker is antsy for rhyme, seeking rants on "Pants"...
I'd like to get my very strong hands on the throat of the fashion guru who thought pants needed to be complicated. The world needs only two kinds of pants- long and short. Now we have short-short, longish-short, shortish-long, Capris, Parachute pants, Gangsta pants, dress pants, suit pants, leather pants, and my least favorite, pants with the butt cheeks exposed. TOO MUCH PANTS! If I have a sudden craving for pants, I want to be in and out of Macy's within ten minutes tops. I do not need to be confronted by a plethora of pantly choices. Oh, and while I'm here, whoever thought that ants deserve to live in pants needs to rethink that. Ants do NOT belong in my pants. Period.
phoenix___flame targets the Big Guy himself: "God"...
God? Overrated. Anyone billed as Almighty and Omnipotent should have at least a bit more influence on this world he/she/it supposedly created. Really. Why tolerate unbelievers and persecutors when you have Limitless Power (tm) at your disposal? Sure, you could do it Sid Meier style and just watch civilization prosper and grow under your subtle commands, but why waste all that time? The game of Populous taught us that gods are mighty, with powers of lightning and fire at their command, and they use them. A lot. God needs to step up with the Displays Of Lordly Might (tm) if he wants to keep our interest and attention. Mankind is fickle and prone to distraction, but nothing says "Wake the fuck up, people!" like a good flaming sphere from the heavens with a big "G" carved on the front. Till that starts happening, I'm not impressed.
seregwen goes for a younger target: "Those fucking freshmen. Not all freshmen, just the actually fucking 14 year olds who brag about their abortions, or their third miscarraige. Damn Highschoolers!"...
Back in my day, "freshmen" were "fresh". Young and exuberant and innocent in the ways of the world, just learning to pluck cherries from trees, fly with the birds and buzz with the bees. Now the cherries they pluck are the chicks that they fuck, and the birds and the bees take lessons on their knees from these freshmen hippie wanna-be's. They make great wrecks of the joy of sex; they walk the walk without loving the cock; they are no better than a common street whore, or Bill Gates' credo: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
jessicamariek finishes things up with a personal favorite of mine: "People who can't drive. Specifically, people who think they can drive, and then are swerving all over the highway because they're more concentrated on stuffing that burger into their fat mouths than they are on, ya know, keeping the car on the damn ROAD."
The words of the masters tell us how best to operate a car. Peter Parker's wise Uncle Ben said, "With great power comes great responsibility." And a car has great power. Hundred and thousands of horsepower. So where's the responsibility when you're talking on your cell phone while applying makeup, or stuffing your face while blaring your mobile stereo? Master Yoda said "Concentrate!" The car is not for the fleet of attention span or the easily distracted. If you have a ferret's addiction to bright shiny objects, the only thing you should be doing in a car is passenging and SHUTTING THE FUCK UP so that the real driver can work his/her mojo. And finally, Commander Worf said "Today is a good day to die." This is why you never see him driving a car.