No Really, This Time I'm Back And I Mean It
Sure, everyone might be a bit surprised by yesterday's storytime, but you're all thinking "Oh come on, he does this every year, posts a thing and then disappears for a year. Yawn, boooooring." And that's fair. But this time it's different.
And sure, you're thinking "Hahaha yeah, you said that last year and the year before that and here we are," and that's fair too, I totally did.
But let's say that I've had some mental breakthroughs (and perhaps breakdowns) this past year, and I'm trying to get around to being a better version of me. That's maybe not totally accurate, but we'll run with it for now. So, let's recap, me in a nutshell.
Hurr hurr, I said 'nut'.
That's it. That's me, right there, making jokes like a 12 year old. You literally do not need to know anything else because that's probably 95% of my personality.7 But, if you really must know more...
Hi! Welcome back! Did you miss me? No, don't answer that.4
I'm
chaosvizier and the most important thing to know about me is that I am ridiculous. I like telling stories, and the more ridiculous the story, the more I enjoy telling it. I use hyperbole like Gordon Ramsey uses expletives, and that's ironically not hyperbole. If I tell one 'serious' story a year, I'll be as surprised as you. (Yesterday's story is my quota. That's it. We're done.) However, my stories, while hyperbolic, are also absolutely true.
To follow up on 'serious' stories, I understand; these are serious times with serious issues. All the more reason to put up a bit of humor, levity, and enjoyable storytelling to lighten the mood. Rest assured; far more qualified people than I are posting serious realistic stories. Go read them, and use me as a chaser. I would be delicious.2
If you must be 'political', let's just get it out of the way: I keep that to myself. But if have a certain socio-political bent, then it's fair to note that I work for, as G.I. Joe once said, "a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world." Tee hee, that's called 'hyperbole'. Anyway, since I sometimes tell funny stories about work, you probably want to unfriend me now, so hop to it.5
In other less serious news, I'm old and chunky and, thanks to my eating habits, honestly quite surprised that I am even as old as I am. I say this as someone who might be eating a slice of cheese at this moment.1
I like movies, I like writing, and I like martial arts. Movie-wise, I'm going to be flat-out honest here: I like bad movies. If the movie won a bunch of awards for Best Picture and stuff, I probably did not watch it and probably will not watch it. If the movie premiered on SyFy and starred Casper Van Dien, you probably have much more of my attention.6 Case in point: Mortal Kombat will come out in under a week, and I shit you not, I will be there. So if you want my opinion on "Life Of Pi", then I think the Tiger should have won. If you want my opinion on "Godzilla vs Kong", then we're on a closer page. A terrible, terrible page.
Oh, I use profanity too. If that's an issue, you might want to fuck right off now.
Oh, I also like travel. Obviously the past year has not exactly been the most travelicious of years, but I do have a backlog of travel tales that I intend to post, not only for your enjoyment (if any), but for my own personal memory, since I am old and decrepit and my memory is becoming less memoriffic over time. I have been to a bunch of different places, not a huge number, but when I go I usually spend a decent amount of time there so as to increase the experience.
Oh, I also like making up words. I am allowed to do so because I am a linguist. And before you ask, yes, I am cunning.8
That should be enough to start. Again, hi everyone, it's been a while, so whoever's still out there, wake up and pay attention because my milkshake is about to bring all the toys to the ward, or something. I'm bad at music.
And, to conclude, here's a picture for funsies.
Cheerio, wot wot!
1 This paragraph is hyperbole, but not by much, let's be frank.
2 I really would be. If we were lost in the Andes and starving, I would volunteer to be eaten first, just to make everyone else taste inferior.
3 PROFIT8
4 No really, don't; I know the answer.
5 COOOOOOBRAAAAAAAAAAAA
6 A good friend of mine is close friends with Casper Van Dien, grew up with him, went to his wedding, all sorts of stuff. It is my goal to meet him one day.
7 Your mom liked 95% of my personality, but even she wasn't big enough to handle the last 5%. HEYYYOOOOOOOOO
8 In ten million years, when the Earth is a cold black cinder, this joke will still not be old for me. As mentioned before, I am ridiculous in the extreme.
And sure, you're thinking "Hahaha yeah, you said that last year and the year before that and here we are," and that's fair too, I totally did.
But let's say that I've had some mental breakthroughs (and perhaps breakdowns) this past year, and I'm trying to get around to being a better version of me. That's maybe not totally accurate, but we'll run with it for now. So, let's recap, me in a nutshell.
Hurr hurr, I said 'nut'.
That's it. That's me, right there, making jokes like a 12 year old. You literally do not need to know anything else because that's probably 95% of my personality.7 But, if you really must know more...
Hi! Welcome back! Did you miss me? No, don't answer that.4
I'm
chaosvizier and the most important thing to know about me is that I am ridiculous. I like telling stories, and the more ridiculous the story, the more I enjoy telling it. I use hyperbole like Gordon Ramsey uses expletives, and that's ironically not hyperbole. If I tell one 'serious' story a year, I'll be as surprised as you. (Yesterday's story is my quota. That's it. We're done.) However, my stories, while hyperbolic, are also absolutely true.
To follow up on 'serious' stories, I understand; these are serious times with serious issues. All the more reason to put up a bit of humor, levity, and enjoyable storytelling to lighten the mood. Rest assured; far more qualified people than I are posting serious realistic stories. Go read them, and use me as a chaser. I would be delicious.2
If you must be 'political', let's just get it out of the way: I keep that to myself. But if have a certain socio-political bent, then it's fair to note that I work for, as G.I. Joe once said, "a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world." Tee hee, that's called 'hyperbole'. Anyway, since I sometimes tell funny stories about work, you probably want to unfriend me now, so hop to it.5
In other less serious news, I'm old and chunky and, thanks to my eating habits, honestly quite surprised that I am even as old as I am. I say this as someone who might be eating a slice of cheese at this moment.1
I like movies, I like writing, and I like martial arts. Movie-wise, I'm going to be flat-out honest here: I like bad movies. If the movie won a bunch of awards for Best Picture and stuff, I probably did not watch it and probably will not watch it. If the movie premiered on SyFy and starred Casper Van Dien, you probably have much more of my attention.6 Case in point: Mortal Kombat will come out in under a week, and I shit you not, I will be there. So if you want my opinion on "Life Of Pi", then I think the Tiger should have won. If you want my opinion on "Godzilla vs Kong", then we're on a closer page. A terrible, terrible page.
Oh, I use profanity too. If that's an issue, you might want to fuck right off now.
Oh, I also like travel. Obviously the past year has not exactly been the most travelicious of years, but I do have a backlog of travel tales that I intend to post, not only for your enjoyment (if any), but for my own personal memory, since I am old and decrepit and my memory is becoming less memoriffic over time. I have been to a bunch of different places, not a huge number, but when I go I usually spend a decent amount of time there so as to increase the experience.
Oh, I also like making up words. I am allowed to do so because I am a linguist. And before you ask, yes, I am cunning.8
That should be enough to start. Again, hi everyone, it's been a while, so whoever's still out there, wake up and pay attention because my milkshake is about to bring all the toys to the ward, or something. I'm bad at music.
And, to conclude, here's a picture for funsies.
Cheerio, wot wot!
1 This paragraph is hyperbole, but not by much, let's be frank.
2 I really would be. If we were lost in the Andes and starving, I would volunteer to be eaten first, just to make everyone else taste inferior.
3 PROFIT8
4 No really, don't; I know the answer.
5 COOOOOOBRAAAAAAAAAAAA
6 A good friend of mine is close friends with Casper Van Dien, grew up with him, went to his wedding, all sorts of stuff. It is my goal to meet him one day.
7 Your mom liked 95% of my personality, but even she wasn't big enough to handle the last 5%. HEYYYOOOOOOOOO
8 In ten million years, when the Earth is a cold black cinder, this joke will still not be old for me. As mentioned before, I am ridiculous in the extreme.