Mega Multiple Movie Madness!
It's been a long time since I've posted a movie review, but I've seen a lot of movies recently that deserve attention. And you all need to know about them. Somehow.
Let's do this all quick and dirty. Some of these I saw in theaters; a number of these I saw on the plane. 27 hrs flying in business class led me to abuse the in-flight entertainment system to undreamed-of levels. I watched a lot of bad movies. Hoo hah!
The Incredible Hulk - This is the new hulk. Not Ang Lee's "Hulk". This new Hulk sucked less than old Hulk, in that it was at least much more true to the comic source material. Ed Norton is Ed Norton, which is never a bad thing. Unfortunately, it's the only good thing. It's part of Marvel Comics' insidious plot to create four superhero movies (Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor) and eventually combine them to form Voltron "The Avengers". This plan is cool. This movie, however, might be the weakest of the set. A few props go out to Tim Roth and Lou Ferrigno, just because. No props go to Liv Tyler.
Journey To The Center Of The Earth - I am ashamed that I wanted to see this, even as I knew it would be bad. And it was real bad. Brendan Fraser as a geologist looking for his geologist brother who was looking for the center of the Earth a la Jules Verne is an insult to Jules Verne. While the formula is the same as the novel (Professor, his apprentice, and a quiet local guide = Professor, his nephew, and an attractive female local guide), the rest of the movie was designed to use 3D technology to have dinosaurs and rocks and shit jump out at your face. I'm not sure that seeing it in 3D would have made it any better; save yourself the trouble and read the book instead.
Kung Fu Panda - Ok, I reviewed this one already. But I can't stress how much fun this movie is. Go see it. Go rent it. Whatever. It's still funny.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Being both stubborn and a Star Wars fan, I had no choice but to select this animated piece of dreck at 3 am while flying over continental Europe or something. For those people who thought that Jar-Jar Binks was the worst thing to happen to the Star Wars universe... well, you're still right, but this film gives him some very healthy competition. Anakin and Obi-Wan lead the Republic clone armies in the fight against Count Dooku (tee hee, "Dooku"...) and the Separatist droid armies. But wait! Let's strike a bogus deal with Jabba the Hutt to rescue his son. Baby Jabba? Oh, and let's give Anakin a spunky young alien girl apprentice who's all hip and exciteable. At least they managed to get, what, three of the original voice actors to lend their support? Christopher Lee, do you really need the money?
Babylon A.D. - I actually do not regret seeing this. Watching Vin Diesel gruff and grumble his way through beatdowns really isn't such a bad formula, now that I think about it some more. Of course, that can only carry you so far, and it makes his character a bit bland and unlikeable. Do I care about Toorop and his past? Nope, just want to get to the next action sequence. The movie itself is trying to tell a decent post-apocalyptic story about a religion cyber-genetically engineering its own Messiah, and I'm sure that the director's cut of this movie might contain more plot elements that would make it better. But as it stood, it's just another Vin Diesel action flick. With Michelle Yeoh. And Gerard Depardieux, WTF?
The Tale Of Despereaux - Saw this one in the theaters because I'm a sucker for animated films. Our hero Despereaux is the Daredevil of the mouse world- The Mouse Without Fear. His newfound friend Roscuro is similarly unusual as The Rat With A Heart. Together they fight crime! they... well, I guess they don't quite do that much together, but through their combined efforts, they save a human kingdom from wasting away with despair because it had no soup. "No soup? That's it?" you ask. Well... yeah, for lack of a better idea. Soup. Don't ask. A potpourri of well-known actors provide voices for this film, which, while interesting, is just not going to grab the kiddies' attention like some Disney tripe like "The Lion King 5: Simba Eats A Zebra". However, this movie gets +2 for a demon-genie-elemental made of vegetables. And for Christopher Lloyd, just because.
Bolt - Yes, another cartoon. In Disney Digital 3D! Whee! Bolt is Pixar doing what it does best- an unlikely group of characters unite to accomplish whatever it is that the plot deems accomplishable. In this case, it's Bolt, who has been living a life not unlike Jim Carrey in "The Truman Show" - he believes he is a superhero, thanks to training and lots of great special effects. But fate strands him in reality with a smartass cat and a hamster in a ball, and he has to find the super within him in order to succeed. Sounds familiar? Sure does; probably every cartoon film ever written follows this plot. That doesn't mean that Pixar fails; the story moves well, the comedy is well-placed and well-timed, and everyone feels good at the end. Maybe not the best Pixar film ever, but still no slouch.
Dodgeball - Back to the airplane I go. Normally Ben Stiller's comedy does not quite do it for me, except for "Mystery Men" and "Zoolander". Likewise, sports-based movies don't usually grab my attention either, because they all are the same: underdog faces great odds, fights an unbeatable foe, and beats them to become a new Underdog Champion. But "Dodgeball", despite containing both of these things, still manages to be funny on that first viewing. Not a film I could see over and over again, but definitely worth the single shot. David Hasselhoff chewing out the German dodgeball team is priceless, and Chuck Norris and William Shatner both earn their pay for their respective cameos. Better, in the end, than "Balls Of Fury", which did the same with Ping Pong and featured the ever villainous Christopher Walken.
Get Smart - Taking an old television classic and making a modern movie out of it is an abomination that unfortunately will never die. On rare occasions, this method of recycling actually works. "Get Smart" is not perfect, but it works just enough to squeak by on the abominablometer. Steve Carell does a good job of making the character of Maxwell Smart clumsy and goofy and awkward in a way that Jim Carrey would have overdone far too quickly, and that's good. The movie makes a good show of referencing the original series, Anne Hathaway provides decent chemistry with Carell, and Terence Stamp and The Rock lend strong support. Not a terrible adaptation. Let's hope for no sequels.
The X-Files: I Want To Believe - This movie is about ten years too late and no longer relevant. Scully and Mulder are no longer household names, and really this film is only designed for fans who wanted to see them sleeping together and making sexual innuendoes at each other, which doesn't happen enough. Unlike the previous film, which delved into the ongoing "conspiracy mythology" of the series, this is more like a single episode of psychic prediction and mad science. It's more like "Silence Of The Lambs" with less cool villainy and more hokey precognition. I'm not sure this would have worked as a two-part episode in the series, it was that lame. Evil Russians performing headectomies on live humans? OH NOES! Hopefully Mulder sticks to Californicating after this; let the X-Files sleep the sleep of the dead.
Quantum Of Solace - Back to ground with the second "New Bond" movie. Right off the bat, I was happy because the movie started almost immediately after "Casino Royale" ended, with Bond having captured Mr. White and bringing him in for questioning. He is consumed with anger and a thirst for vengeance. Oooooh, emo! His enemy is, ostensibly, an "environmentalist" waging a kind of geo-terror campaign in unstable countries. HOLY CRAP HE'S KILLING US WITH SCIENCE! Bond meets up with a fine young lady (as he always does), and she also wants vengeance. They go great together. Soon they unravel the mysteries of the evil Quantum organization (would it have hurt so much to include SPECTRE or SMERSH here? a little?) and then they win and Bond is better and we'll see you next movie, Mr. Craig.
The Spirit - Don't see this movie. I'm usually pretty open to adaptations from comics or graphic novels. Hell, I'm usually pretty open to anything that involves action. This movie pretends to have action. It pretends a lot of things- film noir, gritty detective work, overdramatic fifties dialogue, heroes and the women who love them- but it's all just pretend. False. Fake. Unreal. And poorly done. Not even Samuel L. Jackson can save this mess. Not even giant guns and lots of cleavage can save this mess, and I do like me some guns n' cleavage. No. This movie fails to deliver what it wants to deliver. Maybe the only funny moments are the clone henchmen shirts and the clone foot-head-laughy thing. And the toilet. Have to agree with Jackson- "Come on. Toilets are always funny."
And there you have it. Tune in next time when I see... something else. And talk about it. A lot.
Let's do this all quick and dirty. Some of these I saw in theaters; a number of these I saw on the plane. 27 hrs flying in business class led me to abuse the in-flight entertainment system to undreamed-of levels. I watched a lot of bad movies. Hoo hah!
The Incredible Hulk - This is the new hulk. Not Ang Lee's "Hulk". This new Hulk sucked less than old Hulk, in that it was at least much more true to the comic source material. Ed Norton is Ed Norton, which is never a bad thing. Unfortunately, it's the only good thing. It's part of Marvel Comics' insidious plot to create four superhero movies (Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor) and eventually combine them to form Voltron "The Avengers". This plan is cool. This movie, however, might be the weakest of the set. A few props go out to Tim Roth and Lou Ferrigno, just because. No props go to Liv Tyler.
Journey To The Center Of The Earth - I am ashamed that I wanted to see this, even as I knew it would be bad. And it was real bad. Brendan Fraser as a geologist looking for his geologist brother who was looking for the center of the Earth a la Jules Verne is an insult to Jules Verne. While the formula is the same as the novel (Professor, his apprentice, and a quiet local guide = Professor, his nephew, and an attractive female local guide), the rest of the movie was designed to use 3D technology to have dinosaurs and rocks and shit jump out at your face. I'm not sure that seeing it in 3D would have made it any better; save yourself the trouble and read the book instead.
Kung Fu Panda - Ok, I reviewed this one already. But I can't stress how much fun this movie is. Go see it. Go rent it. Whatever. It's still funny.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Being both stubborn and a Star Wars fan, I had no choice but to select this animated piece of dreck at 3 am while flying over continental Europe or something. For those people who thought that Jar-Jar Binks was the worst thing to happen to the Star Wars universe... well, you're still right, but this film gives him some very healthy competition. Anakin and Obi-Wan lead the Republic clone armies in the fight against Count Dooku (tee hee, "Dooku"...) and the Separatist droid armies. But wait! Let's strike a bogus deal with Jabba the Hutt to rescue his son. Baby Jabba? Oh, and let's give Anakin a spunky young alien girl apprentice who's all hip and exciteable. At least they managed to get, what, three of the original voice actors to lend their support? Christopher Lee, do you really need the money?
Babylon A.D. - I actually do not regret seeing this. Watching Vin Diesel gruff and grumble his way through beatdowns really isn't such a bad formula, now that I think about it some more. Of course, that can only carry you so far, and it makes his character a bit bland and unlikeable. Do I care about Toorop and his past? Nope, just want to get to the next action sequence. The movie itself is trying to tell a decent post-apocalyptic story about a religion cyber-genetically engineering its own Messiah, and I'm sure that the director's cut of this movie might contain more plot elements that would make it better. But as it stood, it's just another Vin Diesel action flick. With Michelle Yeoh. And Gerard Depardieux, WTF?
The Tale Of Despereaux - Saw this one in the theaters because I'm a sucker for animated films. Our hero Despereaux is the Daredevil of the mouse world- The Mouse Without Fear. His newfound friend Roscuro is similarly unusual as The Rat With A Heart. Together they fight crime! they... well, I guess they don't quite do that much together, but through their combined efforts, they save a human kingdom from wasting away with despair because it had no soup. "No soup? That's it?" you ask. Well... yeah, for lack of a better idea. Soup. Don't ask. A potpourri of well-known actors provide voices for this film, which, while interesting, is just not going to grab the kiddies' attention like some Disney tripe like "The Lion King 5: Simba Eats A Zebra". However, this movie gets +2 for a demon-genie-elemental made of vegetables. And for Christopher Lloyd, just because.
Bolt - Yes, another cartoon. In Disney Digital 3D! Whee! Bolt is Pixar doing what it does best- an unlikely group of characters unite to accomplish whatever it is that the plot deems accomplishable. In this case, it's Bolt, who has been living a life not unlike Jim Carrey in "The Truman Show" - he believes he is a superhero, thanks to training and lots of great special effects. But fate strands him in reality with a smartass cat and a hamster in a ball, and he has to find the super within him in order to succeed. Sounds familiar? Sure does; probably every cartoon film ever written follows this plot. That doesn't mean that Pixar fails; the story moves well, the comedy is well-placed and well-timed, and everyone feels good at the end. Maybe not the best Pixar film ever, but still no slouch.
Dodgeball - Back to the airplane I go. Normally Ben Stiller's comedy does not quite do it for me, except for "Mystery Men" and "Zoolander". Likewise, sports-based movies don't usually grab my attention either, because they all are the same: underdog faces great odds, fights an unbeatable foe, and beats them to become a new Underdog Champion. But "Dodgeball", despite containing both of these things, still manages to be funny on that first viewing. Not a film I could see over and over again, but definitely worth the single shot. David Hasselhoff chewing out the German dodgeball team is priceless, and Chuck Norris and William Shatner both earn their pay for their respective cameos. Better, in the end, than "Balls Of Fury", which did the same with Ping Pong and featured the ever villainous Christopher Walken.
Get Smart - Taking an old television classic and making a modern movie out of it is an abomination that unfortunately will never die. On rare occasions, this method of recycling actually works. "Get Smart" is not perfect, but it works just enough to squeak by on the abominablometer. Steve Carell does a good job of making the character of Maxwell Smart clumsy and goofy and awkward in a way that Jim Carrey would have overdone far too quickly, and that's good. The movie makes a good show of referencing the original series, Anne Hathaway provides decent chemistry with Carell, and Terence Stamp and The Rock lend strong support. Not a terrible adaptation. Let's hope for no sequels.
The X-Files: I Want To Believe - This movie is about ten years too late and no longer relevant. Scully and Mulder are no longer household names, and really this film is only designed for fans who wanted to see them sleeping together and making sexual innuendoes at each other, which doesn't happen enough. Unlike the previous film, which delved into the ongoing "conspiracy mythology" of the series, this is more like a single episode of psychic prediction and mad science. It's more like "Silence Of The Lambs" with less cool villainy and more hokey precognition. I'm not sure this would have worked as a two-part episode in the series, it was that lame. Evil Russians performing headectomies on live humans? OH NOES! Hopefully Mulder sticks to Californicating after this; let the X-Files sleep the sleep of the dead.
Quantum Of Solace - Back to ground with the second "New Bond" movie. Right off the bat, I was happy because the movie started almost immediately after "Casino Royale" ended, with Bond having captured Mr. White and bringing him in for questioning. He is consumed with anger and a thirst for vengeance. Oooooh, emo! His enemy is, ostensibly, an "environmentalist" waging a kind of geo-terror campaign in unstable countries. HOLY CRAP HE'S KILLING US WITH SCIENCE! Bond meets up with a fine young lady (as he always does), and she also wants vengeance. They go great together. Soon they unravel the mysteries of the evil Quantum organization (would it have hurt so much to include SPECTRE or SMERSH here? a little?) and then they win and Bond is better and we'll see you next movie, Mr. Craig.
The Spirit - Don't see this movie. I'm usually pretty open to adaptations from comics or graphic novels. Hell, I'm usually pretty open to anything that involves action. This movie pretends to have action. It pretends a lot of things- film noir, gritty detective work, overdramatic fifties dialogue, heroes and the women who love them- but it's all just pretend. False. Fake. Unreal. And poorly done. Not even Samuel L. Jackson can save this mess. Not even giant guns and lots of cleavage can save this mess, and I do like me some guns n' cleavage. No. This movie fails to deliver what it wants to deliver. Maybe the only funny moments are the clone henchmen shirts and the clone foot-head-laughy thing. And the toilet. Have to agree with Jackson- "Come on. Toilets are always funny."
And there you have it. Tune in next time when I see... something else. And talk about it. A lot.