Mid Week Movie Time!
Ok, I haven't actually gone to the theaters in a bit to see a film. No, wait, I somehow saw The Spiderwick Chronicles. But I'll get to that another time. Today I want to travel backwards in time to the very early 80's and review my ultimate Guilty Pleasure movie. That's right- this is a movie that is bad in every way, and yet if I'm channel surfing and I see it playing, it's an immediate STOP AND PAY ATTENTION. Make no mistake- it's the best bad movie ever made. Behold...
Flash Gordon
Enter the late 70's and early 80's. George Lucas takes science fiction by storm with "Star Wars". It's epic space opera. Action. Adventure. Daring rescues. Dread villains. Good vs. Evil. Hokey religion and blaster pistols. Scoundrels and robots. It had EVERYTHING. And it was good.
As is custom in the film industry, about three bajillion copycats immediately cropped up. Some were ok. Some were even good. And some were pretty damn bad.
And then there was Flash Gordon. Based on the characters from the serial comic strip of the 1930s (yes, that is older than me, thank you for asking), it sought to capture the same space opera flavor that made the comics attractive, as was popular in the day (the Buck Rogers serial comic was similar in nature, and Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Martian Tales" and similar novels were popular reading). However, something went wrong somewhere and the movie was not quite the epic success that Star Wars was. At least, not theatrically. Instead it became a cult classic, a shining example of camp. And I do mean shining.
The plot: Flash (AH-AAAAHHH!) saves the universe from Ming the Merciless.
The pros: Without question, one must start with Queen's most awesome soundtrack. While the soundtrack for "Highlander" is probably better from a lyrical perspective, "Flash's Theme" is, in my book, one of the greatest things Queen ever wrote and performed. It's as campy and over-the-top as the rest of the film, and fits in perfectly. You can't go three seconds without thinking FLASH! *drumbeat* AH-AAAAHHHH!!! It's insidious. On top of this you have costumes. The costumes are a positive and a negative here; certainly there is a vast array of unique clothing produced for the film's many colorful characters. However... well, I'll get to that in a second. Finally, the acting. Again, a plus and a minus; I'm really only going to single out Max Von Sydow here, because he takes a role, knows that it's made of cheese, and hams it up in a way that only he can. He could only have been more awesome if he had shouted out "THE POWER OF MING COMPELS YOU!" somewhere. Anywhere.
Interlude: On the subject of the character of Ming The Merciless (played, as I said, by Max Von Sydow), once, many years ago, when I was a wee lad in college, I was in a dorm watching "Flash Gordon" with MS and LH (fizrep's ex-wife). She had never seen the film before, and we were laughing at the camp and just reveling in the awful. There is a scene where Ming's daughter is being tortured and interrogated on suspicion of treason, and she demands to see her father, who comes in, sees that the traitor is close to confession, and orders the torture to continue.
The following conversation is forever etched into my memory:
LH: Wow... he's really merciless.
MS: *beat* Um, that's why he's called Ming THE MERCILESS, LH.
LH: ...oh.
me: *uncontrollable laughter*
Right. Onward with the review thingy.
The cons: Costumes and acting, mentioned above as pros, are also cons. The costumes, while colorful and decorative, are mauled by an array of bling and gold trim and sequins and sparkles that could blind Liberace and Elvis in a heartbeat. Everything is sparkly. It's like every single character is wearing a disco ball. Even the villains, all dressed in black to be villainous, are decked out in gold and sparkles. The Chief of the Secret Police has a solid gold ARM and FACE. The General of the Armies has a headdress that looks like it could find the Ark of the Covenant. Princess Aura sports a dazzling array of sultry blinged out costumes. The Hawkmen are the fortunate ones in this, as they get to prance around mostly naked, with just a bunch of bad wings strapped to their backs. Couple this over-the-top bling with under-the-desk dialogue (who doesn't cringe when they hear "Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!"?) and you have lines that only the most heroic efforts of Topol and Von Sydow can salvage (and even Topol cannot exclaim "Check the angular vector of the moon!" with a fully straight face). Do not look to Timothy "James Bond" Dalton for salvation. Nor should you look to Brian Blessed for aught but his trademark shouting, which he admittedly does with maximum vigor. I won't go into the special effects, which were early 80's and still not quite up to snuff, but they sure made the most of what they had to work with.
The verdict: This movie is camp. Pure and simple. Do not watch this expecting a satisfying science-fiction space opera experience. Watch this because you want to see what happens when science-fiction goes horribly horribly wrong, but in the most colorful and pimped-out way possible.
Disclaimer: General Kala always gives me that fuzzy feeling. In my pants. Maybe it's the accent. Maybe it's the skin-tight slinky black... whatever. Maybe it's the whip. Maybe it's none of those. But mmm boy, she can have my War Rocket Ajax.
Note: You might be asking "Well, how campy is it really?" Well, let's look at a few examples.
1) In case the two quotes listed above aren't enough, try this bit of dialogue:
Princess Aura- They've changed the codes on the lock!
Prince Barrin- I've changed too, Aura.
Princess Aura- So have I.
Prince Barrin- Will you join me?
Princess Aura- Not now, Barrin!
Prince Barrin- You haven't changed at all!
Dr. Zarkov- *picking a keypad-protected lock* Ah-ha! I knew it was one of the prime numbers in the Zeeman Series! I haven't changed!
Audience- WTF?!?!?!?
2) Ming The Merciless, when he torments planets with "natural disasters", has a button called "Hot Hail". What the fuck is "Hot Hail"? Now we know where that particular plague of Egypt came from...
3) There are midgets who are dressed like... squares? Glittery playing cards? I can't quite tell, but their costumes are as wide as they are tall. Maybe they're giant-sized coasters.
4) Princess Aura and Dale Arden get into a pillow fight. I don't need to say anything more here.
5) Flash Gordon is a famous quarterback for the Jets. This in itself is, perhaps, laughable. But then he defeats Ming's guards by using his awesome football knowledge and hitting them like a linebacker, and then hitting them with the ball as if he were playing rugby. Oh Flash, you really are the King Of The Impossible!
6) More campy dialogue!
Princess Aura- Look, Father, water is leaking out of her eyes!
Ming The Merciless- It's called "tears". It's a sign of their weakness.
7) Deep Roy foreshadows his role as an Oompa-Loompa. Watch for it.
8) Even in distant planets, apparently the "Wedding March" theme is always the same. Only better when it's tricked out with some electric guitar action.
9) Did I mention the goofy Queen soundtrack? Because I feel I can't stress that enough.
10) As Klytus and Kala watch through Dr. Zarkov's memories, there are some shots of Hitler giving speeches, and Klytus remarks, "Now HE had promise." Just in case you didn't realize that they were EVIL, now you know for sure.
Go on. Watch the movie; it'll be an experience if you've never seen it before, and if you already have, you can't resist its shiny allure. Go on! Do it! Do it now!
Flash Gordon
Enter the late 70's and early 80's. George Lucas takes science fiction by storm with "Star Wars". It's epic space opera. Action. Adventure. Daring rescues. Dread villains. Good vs. Evil. Hokey religion and blaster pistols. Scoundrels and robots. It had EVERYTHING. And it was good.
As is custom in the film industry, about three bajillion copycats immediately cropped up. Some were ok. Some were even good. And some were pretty damn bad.
And then there was Flash Gordon. Based on the characters from the serial comic strip of the 1930s (yes, that is older than me, thank you for asking), it sought to capture the same space opera flavor that made the comics attractive, as was popular in the day (the Buck Rogers serial comic was similar in nature, and Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Martian Tales" and similar novels were popular reading). However, something went wrong somewhere and the movie was not quite the epic success that Star Wars was. At least, not theatrically. Instead it became a cult classic, a shining example of camp. And I do mean shining.
The plot: Flash (AH-AAAAHHH!) saves the universe from Ming the Merciless.
The pros: Without question, one must start with Queen's most awesome soundtrack. While the soundtrack for "Highlander" is probably better from a lyrical perspective, "Flash's Theme" is, in my book, one of the greatest things Queen ever wrote and performed. It's as campy and over-the-top as the rest of the film, and fits in perfectly. You can't go three seconds without thinking FLASH! *drumbeat* AH-AAAAHHHH!!! It's insidious. On top of this you have costumes. The costumes are a positive and a negative here; certainly there is a vast array of unique clothing produced for the film's many colorful characters. However... well, I'll get to that in a second. Finally, the acting. Again, a plus and a minus; I'm really only going to single out Max Von Sydow here, because he takes a role, knows that it's made of cheese, and hams it up in a way that only he can. He could only have been more awesome if he had shouted out "THE POWER OF MING COMPELS YOU!" somewhere. Anywhere.
Interlude: On the subject of the character of Ming The Merciless (played, as I said, by Max Von Sydow), once, many years ago, when I was a wee lad in college, I was in a dorm watching "Flash Gordon" with MS and LH (fizrep's ex-wife). She had never seen the film before, and we were laughing at the camp and just reveling in the awful. There is a scene where Ming's daughter is being tortured and interrogated on suspicion of treason, and she demands to see her father, who comes in, sees that the traitor is close to confession, and orders the torture to continue.
The following conversation is forever etched into my memory:
LH: Wow... he's really merciless.
MS: *beat* Um, that's why he's called Ming THE MERCILESS, LH.
LH: ...oh.
me: *uncontrollable laughter*
Right. Onward with the review thingy.
The cons: Costumes and acting, mentioned above as pros, are also cons. The costumes, while colorful and decorative, are mauled by an array of bling and gold trim and sequins and sparkles that could blind Liberace and Elvis in a heartbeat. Everything is sparkly. It's like every single character is wearing a disco ball. Even the villains, all dressed in black to be villainous, are decked out in gold and sparkles. The Chief of the Secret Police has a solid gold ARM and FACE. The General of the Armies has a headdress that looks like it could find the Ark of the Covenant. Princess Aura sports a dazzling array of sultry blinged out costumes. The Hawkmen are the fortunate ones in this, as they get to prance around mostly naked, with just a bunch of bad wings strapped to their backs. Couple this over-the-top bling with under-the-desk dialogue (who doesn't cringe when they hear "Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!"?) and you have lines that only the most heroic efforts of Topol and Von Sydow can salvage (and even Topol cannot exclaim "Check the angular vector of the moon!" with a fully straight face). Do not look to Timothy "James Bond" Dalton for salvation. Nor should you look to Brian Blessed for aught but his trademark shouting, which he admittedly does with maximum vigor. I won't go into the special effects, which were early 80's and still not quite up to snuff, but they sure made the most of what they had to work with.
The verdict: This movie is camp. Pure and simple. Do not watch this expecting a satisfying science-fiction space opera experience. Watch this because you want to see what happens when science-fiction goes horribly horribly wrong, but in the most colorful and pimped-out way possible.
Disclaimer: General Kala always gives me that fuzzy feeling. In my pants. Maybe it's the accent. Maybe it's the skin-tight slinky black... whatever. Maybe it's the whip. Maybe it's none of those. But mmm boy, she can have my War Rocket Ajax.
Note: You might be asking "Well, how campy is it really?" Well, let's look at a few examples.
1) In case the two quotes listed above aren't enough, try this bit of dialogue:
Princess Aura- They've changed the codes on the lock!
Prince Barrin- I've changed too, Aura.
Princess Aura- So have I.
Prince Barrin- Will you join me?
Princess Aura- Not now, Barrin!
Prince Barrin- You haven't changed at all!
Dr. Zarkov- *picking a keypad-protected lock* Ah-ha! I knew it was one of the prime numbers in the Zeeman Series! I haven't changed!
Audience- WTF?!?!?!?
2) Ming The Merciless, when he torments planets with "natural disasters", has a button called "Hot Hail". What the fuck is "Hot Hail"? Now we know where that particular plague of Egypt came from...
3) There are midgets who are dressed like... squares? Glittery playing cards? I can't quite tell, but their costumes are as wide as they are tall. Maybe they're giant-sized coasters.
4) Princess Aura and Dale Arden get into a pillow fight. I don't need to say anything more here.
5) Flash Gordon is a famous quarterback for the Jets. This in itself is, perhaps, laughable. But then he defeats Ming's guards by using his awesome football knowledge and hitting them like a linebacker, and then hitting them with the ball as if he were playing rugby. Oh Flash, you really are the King Of The Impossible!
6) More campy dialogue!
Princess Aura- Look, Father, water is leaking out of her eyes!
Ming The Merciless- It's called "tears". It's a sign of their weakness.
7) Deep Roy foreshadows his role as an Oompa-Loompa. Watch for it.
8) Even in distant planets, apparently the "Wedding March" theme is always the same. Only better when it's tricked out with some electric guitar action.
9) Did I mention the goofy Queen soundtrack? Because I feel I can't stress that enough.
10) As Klytus and Kala watch through Dr. Zarkov's memories, there are some shots of Hitler giving speeches, and Klytus remarks, "Now HE had promise." Just in case you didn't realize that they were EVIL, now you know for sure.
Go on. Watch the movie; it'll be an experience if you've never seen it before, and if you already have, you can't resist its shiny allure. Go on! Do it! Do it now!