Voting: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore
Well, ladies and gentlemen and other things that read this, it's another year divisible by four, and you know what that means: Februarys, now with 3.6% more Feb! Olympic thingamajiggers, now with a billion percent more China! But most of all it means an election year for We The People. And that means campaigning. And mudslinging. And baby kissing. And commercials. And ham. Well, maybe no ham. Shame, that.
There's a lot of talk about who's the right candidate for president. Democrats, Republicans, Independents... Hell, there's even a Nazi candidate out there. We haven't had a good Nazi in power in... well, forever, I suppose. There are no good Nazis. But that's beside the point. The real point is, everyone should stop wasting all this time and vote for me. Why, you might ask? What do I have to offer that makes me a better choice than any other candidate? I asked this question four years ago, but I was still underage to run. But now, my time has come. Join me, and we shall make this nation great once more!
My Fellow Americans, and those illegal Canadians that we haven't smoked out yet, I stand before you at the dawn of a new era, a time never before seen in the history of this great nation, except when Lincoln was running, because he was the shiznit. Never before and never again will there be a candidate quite like me, and for that reason alone, you must act now and elect me to be your President, nay, your representative on this cozy blue-green planet we call home.
This is a land of knowledge, of science, of technology. Why are people afraid of such power, when it can be used to benefit all mankind? Yes, truly, cloning is a marvel not to be taken lightly, but think of the potential! Could we un-extinctify the dodo bird? Could we resurrect the frozen mammoth? Could we even look forward to the possibility of "Survivor: Jurassic Park", where cloned dinosaurs meet the original reality television programme? Let go of your hesitation! Step forward, you who fear science, and embrace a grander vision.
But that is not all that science can offer us. Look around! Are we not all saddened by the high price of gas imposed upon us by our dependency on foreign petroleum? Worry not, for under my administration, our need for fossil fuels will become a thing of the past. Certainly, wind and solar and hydrogen cell power will enhance our abilities, but these are just mild and temporary fixes. Why waste our time and resources on these lesser energy sources, when Einstein taught us that the most efficient source of energy is the annihilation of matter itself? I promise you this- we will have the world's first anti-matter based reactor, capable of powering entire states with its energy output. Science fiction? No! Science faction!
Yes, cloning and anti-matter are marvelous marvels indeed. But why have we not taken these bold steps forward? What stands in our way? What impedes our progress? Yes, we are halted by the opposite of progress: Congress. Five hundred and fifty blowhards who can only agree on two issues: giving themselves pay raises and where to get the best hookers in the District of Columbia. They live in a building that's topped with a giant breast, for god's sake! My first act as President will be to abolish the entire Legislative Branch of our government and transform the Capitol into the world's biggest winery and bar. Open noon to midnight, seven days a week except national holidays.
But with all progress, there are those who become jealous of that progress. Yes, other nations, bitter with resentment over the fact that they are not yet capable of launching a monkey into space, will seek to undermine our efforts with terror, propaganda, the French, and other naughtiness. I will not stand idly by and allow even one American to be a victim of such tactics. Not even Britney Spears. Okay, maybe a little. And thanks to the march of science, we will not be helpless before terror. With the power of cloning comes the power to clone an army. An army of mammoths, bearing down on our enemies in stampeding frenzy. A legion of rabid wolverines, slashing and biting without remorse. Genetically spliced puffin-dingoes, because they'll never expect it. Swarms of killer bees, just because we can. And should those strategies not be enough, we will hold the trump card in reserve: the anti-matter bomb. All power, no radiation, and once we clear out some of those snooty desert nations we'll be able to handle our dire glass shortage. Everybody wins. Except those who lose.
Finally, we can learn a lesson from our Australian allies. They have dreamed the Australian dream and expanded their borders to include an entire continent. Why can we not do the same? Why must Manifest Destiny rely solely on the horizontal? Why waste time hunting down illegal Canadian and Mexican infiltrators, when instead we can just assimilate them and add their cultural distinctiveness to our own? I promise this great nation ten more stars on our flag by 2012, and with that a corresponding boom in employment of flagmakers everywhere.
There are so many other issues that we face today in this ever-shrinking world. The legal traffic of drugs, health insurance for prostitutes, the continued existence of France, the lack of vowels in Kyrgyzstan- they seem insurmountable. But I will mount them. My opponents sit behind the power of their political parties that guard them like fortresses impregnable. But I will impregnate them. Now you know what I stand for, and knowing is half the battle. Vote for me. It is your destiny.
There's a lot of talk about who's the right candidate for president. Democrats, Republicans, Independents... Hell, there's even a Nazi candidate out there. We haven't had a good Nazi in power in... well, forever, I suppose. There are no good Nazis. But that's beside the point. The real point is, everyone should stop wasting all this time and vote for me. Why, you might ask? What do I have to offer that makes me a better choice than any other candidate? I asked this question four years ago, but I was still underage to run. But now, my time has come. Join me, and we shall make this nation great once more!
My Fellow Americans, and those illegal Canadians that we haven't smoked out yet, I stand before you at the dawn of a new era, a time never before seen in the history of this great nation, except when Lincoln was running, because he was the shiznit. Never before and never again will there be a candidate quite like me, and for that reason alone, you must act now and elect me to be your President, nay, your representative on this cozy blue-green planet we call home.
This is a land of knowledge, of science, of technology. Why are people afraid of such power, when it can be used to benefit all mankind? Yes, truly, cloning is a marvel not to be taken lightly, but think of the potential! Could we un-extinctify the dodo bird? Could we resurrect the frozen mammoth? Could we even look forward to the possibility of "Survivor: Jurassic Park", where cloned dinosaurs meet the original reality television programme? Let go of your hesitation! Step forward, you who fear science, and embrace a grander vision.
But that is not all that science can offer us. Look around! Are we not all saddened by the high price of gas imposed upon us by our dependency on foreign petroleum? Worry not, for under my administration, our need for fossil fuels will become a thing of the past. Certainly, wind and solar and hydrogen cell power will enhance our abilities, but these are just mild and temporary fixes. Why waste our time and resources on these lesser energy sources, when Einstein taught us that the most efficient source of energy is the annihilation of matter itself? I promise you this- we will have the world's first anti-matter based reactor, capable of powering entire states with its energy output. Science fiction? No! Science faction!
Yes, cloning and anti-matter are marvelous marvels indeed. But why have we not taken these bold steps forward? What stands in our way? What impedes our progress? Yes, we are halted by the opposite of progress: Congress. Five hundred and fifty blowhards who can only agree on two issues: giving themselves pay raises and where to get the best hookers in the District of Columbia. They live in a building that's topped with a giant breast, for god's sake! My first act as President will be to abolish the entire Legislative Branch of our government and transform the Capitol into the world's biggest winery and bar. Open noon to midnight, seven days a week except national holidays.
But with all progress, there are those who become jealous of that progress. Yes, other nations, bitter with resentment over the fact that they are not yet capable of launching a monkey into space, will seek to undermine our efforts with terror, propaganda, the French, and other naughtiness. I will not stand idly by and allow even one American to be a victim of such tactics. Not even Britney Spears. Okay, maybe a little. And thanks to the march of science, we will not be helpless before terror. With the power of cloning comes the power to clone an army. An army of mammoths, bearing down on our enemies in stampeding frenzy. A legion of rabid wolverines, slashing and biting without remorse. Genetically spliced puffin-dingoes, because they'll never expect it. Swarms of killer bees, just because we can. And should those strategies not be enough, we will hold the trump card in reserve: the anti-matter bomb. All power, no radiation, and once we clear out some of those snooty desert nations we'll be able to handle our dire glass shortage. Everybody wins. Except those who lose.
Finally, we can learn a lesson from our Australian allies. They have dreamed the Australian dream and expanded their borders to include an entire continent. Why can we not do the same? Why must Manifest Destiny rely solely on the horizontal? Why waste time hunting down illegal Canadian and Mexican infiltrators, when instead we can just assimilate them and add their cultural distinctiveness to our own? I promise this great nation ten more stars on our flag by 2012, and with that a corresponding boom in employment of flagmakers everywhere.
There are so many other issues that we face today in this ever-shrinking world. The legal traffic of drugs, health insurance for prostitutes, the continued existence of France, the lack of vowels in Kyrgyzstan- they seem insurmountable. But I will mount them. My opponents sit behind the power of their political parties that guard them like fortresses impregnable. But I will impregnate them. Now you know what I stand for, and knowing is half the battle. Vote for me. It is your destiny.