More Marvellous Movies!
Yes, Summer Blockbuster Season is kicking it off hard and heavy. Movies! More movies! More bad movies! More big movies! And, in today's news More Big Bad Movies!
Spider-Man 3
According to the latest figures, Spider-Man 3 is breaking all sorts of records. Most expensive movie ever made. Biggest opening weekend ever. Most unnecessary closeups of Tobey Maguire's big noggin. But there's an important phrase to keep in mind with all of this: Bigger does not mean better. More is not always better. And the two combined... well, definitely not always better.
Now, I do have a bad habit when it comes to movies. Or maybe it's a talent, or a personal skill, or something. Whatever. The point is, I can turn off my brain when I'm in a theater, and just enjoy a movie, regardless of how bad it is, as long as it's an actiony adventurey kind of film. I've sat through films that have had audience members bleeding out of the eyes and ears and come out thinking, "that was okay." It happens. In this way, I always get my money's worth, because I always enjoy it. Only later does my brain return to reality and explain what a piece of poop I might just have seen.
Spider-Man 3 is not a total piece of poop. But it could stand a lot of improvement.
The plot: "3" is for 3 villains and 3x3 plotlines and 3x3x3 eyerolls.
The pros: Special effects, as always. Some of the effects editing aren't so crisp, but when it comes to making the Sandman and Venom effects, they are pretty impressive. There are some great action sequences, and you really feel the difference when Spider-Man goes from good hero to evil hero and then back up again. It gets you right... there.
The cons: This is really important, and even though no movie producer will ever read this, I gotta shout it out. ONE HERO, ONE VILLAIN. Everyone take a few seconds to remember how awesome Batman, Batman Begins, X-Men 1 and Spider-Man 1 were. Why? Concentration on a single primary storyline. One hero/hero group matches against one villain. The moment more than one villain is introduced, you dilute the primary storyline, and either the movie needs to be a bit longer to allow for additional character development and plot, or the story becomes flat and bland. Remember that villains are complicated characters, just as the heroes are, and they need the time to develop, to be seen by the audience, and to do their part. Jack Nicholson as The Joker is probably one of the high points of villain characterization. The problem with Spider-Man 3 is that you have so many story points and plots that even the hefty 140 minutes of film do not cut the mustard. You get through:
A- Spidey vs. Green Goblin 2
B- Spidey vs. Sandman
B'- Sandman's sob story, sick lil girl, waaaah
C- Sandman killed Uncle Ben, Parker wants Vengeance, OH NOES
D- Parker vs. Mary-Jane, domestic trauma, OH NOES
E- Parker vs. Eddie Brock, job distress
F- Alien Symbiote makes Spidey naughty
F'- Ok, "evil" Peter Parker is pretty funny
G- Harry gets better, no wait, he gets worse, WTF
H- Spidey disses alien, Alien/Brock become Venom, EGADS HE GREW A CREEPY MOUTH
I- Gwen Stacy? SO LAME.
J- The only good thing about Dr. Connors is that maybe one day we get to see him turn into a lizard. Maybe in Spider-Man 4: The Search for More Villains.
K- I'd pay extra to see Spider-Man vs. David Lo-Pan.
L- A whole bunch of reconciliation
That's a lot of plot points. Any 2-3 of them would make a solid movie. But no, we get all of them scrambled together like a very bad omelette. And then we get Return Of The King syndrome: A movie with seven endings. OKAY OKAY EVERYTHING'S GOOD KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY. Also, a guy made of sand cries watery tears, WTF. Also, gratuitous cheesy flag shot, OH COME ON THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY NECESSARY.
The verdict: Not as good as the first two. If you check your brain at the door like I do, though, it's a hoot.
Disclaimer: For what it's worth, it was still a good movie to see on my birthday. No regrets. Also, good movie posse. Rock on!
Disclaimer: I still say that I would pay full price for a two-hour J.Jonah Jameson movie. Every scene that he is in is perfect.
EDIT: Bruce Campbell is also spot-on in his minor role. I almost believed he was French. ;-)
Disclaimer: FOR THE LAST TIME, PETER. DITCH THE ACTRESS WANNABE AND TAKE THE HOT RUSSIAN GIRL NEXT DOOR. RAWR.
Spider-Man 3
According to the latest figures, Spider-Man 3 is breaking all sorts of records. Most expensive movie ever made. Biggest opening weekend ever. Most unnecessary closeups of Tobey Maguire's big noggin. But there's an important phrase to keep in mind with all of this: Bigger does not mean better. More is not always better. And the two combined... well, definitely not always better.
Now, I do have a bad habit when it comes to movies. Or maybe it's a talent, or a personal skill, or something. Whatever. The point is, I can turn off my brain when I'm in a theater, and just enjoy a movie, regardless of how bad it is, as long as it's an actiony adventurey kind of film. I've sat through films that have had audience members bleeding out of the eyes and ears and come out thinking, "that was okay." It happens. In this way, I always get my money's worth, because I always enjoy it. Only later does my brain return to reality and explain what a piece of poop I might just have seen.
Spider-Man 3 is not a total piece of poop. But it could stand a lot of improvement.
The plot: "3" is for 3 villains and 3x3 plotlines and 3x3x3 eyerolls.
The pros: Special effects, as always. Some of the effects editing aren't so crisp, but when it comes to making the Sandman and Venom effects, they are pretty impressive. There are some great action sequences, and you really feel the difference when Spider-Man goes from good hero to evil hero and then back up again. It gets you right... there.
The cons: This is really important, and even though no movie producer will ever read this, I gotta shout it out. ONE HERO, ONE VILLAIN. Everyone take a few seconds to remember how awesome Batman, Batman Begins, X-Men 1 and Spider-Man 1 were. Why? Concentration on a single primary storyline. One hero/hero group matches against one villain. The moment more than one villain is introduced, you dilute the primary storyline, and either the movie needs to be a bit longer to allow for additional character development and plot, or the story becomes flat and bland. Remember that villains are complicated characters, just as the heroes are, and they need the time to develop, to be seen by the audience, and to do their part. Jack Nicholson as The Joker is probably one of the high points of villain characterization. The problem with Spider-Man 3 is that you have so many story points and plots that even the hefty 140 minutes of film do not cut the mustard. You get through:
A- Spidey vs. Green Goblin 2
B- Spidey vs. Sandman
B'- Sandman's sob story, sick lil girl, waaaah
C- Sandman killed Uncle Ben, Parker wants Vengeance, OH NOES
D- Parker vs. Mary-Jane, domestic trauma, OH NOES
E- Parker vs. Eddie Brock, job distress
F- Alien Symbiote makes Spidey naughty
F'- Ok, "evil" Peter Parker is pretty funny
G- Harry gets better, no wait, he gets worse, WTF
H- Spidey disses alien, Alien/Brock become Venom, EGADS HE GREW A CREEPY MOUTH
I- Gwen Stacy? SO LAME.
J- The only good thing about Dr. Connors is that maybe one day we get to see him turn into a lizard. Maybe in Spider-Man 4: The Search for More Villains.
K- I'd pay extra to see Spider-Man vs. David Lo-Pan.
L- A whole bunch of reconciliation
That's a lot of plot points. Any 2-3 of them would make a solid movie. But no, we get all of them scrambled together like a very bad omelette. And then we get Return Of The King syndrome: A movie with seven endings. OKAY OKAY EVERYTHING'S GOOD KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY. Also, a guy made of sand cries watery tears, WTF. Also, gratuitous cheesy flag shot, OH COME ON THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY NECESSARY.
The verdict: Not as good as the first two. If you check your brain at the door like I do, though, it's a hoot.
Disclaimer: For what it's worth, it was still a good movie to see on my birthday. No regrets. Also, good movie posse. Rock on!
Disclaimer: I still say that I would pay full price for a two-hour J.Jonah Jameson movie. Every scene that he is in is perfect.
EDIT: Bruce Campbell is also spot-on in his minor role. I almost believed he was French. ;-)
Disclaimer: FOR THE LAST TIME, PETER. DITCH THE ACTRESS WANNABE AND TAKE THE HOT RUSSIAN GIRL NEXT DOOR. RAWR.