Nihilist Almanac
Oh hey, I'm not dead. Yet, anyway. Couldn't go through with it on the birthday because I'm so fucking poor I can't afford anything, much less specialty health food stuffs. So instead I spent that day with Jill and have pretty well not seen her since. She went to Texas for treatment, came back and got arrested for "violating probation" which was a ridiculous load of shit, got bailed out by a huge joint effort, and is now right back in suicidal manic-depressive mode. Fucking yippee. I try so hard to make her happy and it's like not a goddamn thing I do or say matters. It hurts because when she isn't focusing with all her might on the negatives in her life she makes me insanely happy and I feel tremendous love both from and for her. However lately all I feel coming from her is negativity, no matter what I do. So I'm at a loss there.
Still haven't found a job either, can I get a fucking hoo-rah for that? Because y'know, why the fuck wouldn't the gods continue to shit on me? No job, no money, and thus all my shit is getting systematically shut off. Lost communication with the outside world pretty well but overall that bothers me little because I've come to hate it all so much. Nearly all my so-called "friends" have turned their backs on me. The people I know I can count on I keep close and dear, but they are few and often hard to stay in touch with. Makes for a pretty isolated and lonely existence, but really, have I not brought it upon myself? I am a cynical, spiteful, nihilistic, suicidal masochist who loathed humankind, yet I am trapped by the limitations of it in regards to desiring that feeling of community and kinship. It's fucking disgusting.
My mind overflows with this daily anymore. I have found myself utterly fascinated with exploring the myriad ways I could leave this world, though in my sickening human weakness I haven't actually committed to any of them. I found a suicide FAQ that I poured through with rapt fascination, delighted by the myriad scenes of destruction the words brought to my imagination. I still find the idea of cyanide most appealing, it'd just be dreadfully hard to obtain.
I just can't stand this world anymore, this meaningless fucking existence. I have nearly stopped feeling any emotions other than anger, disgust, bitter amusement, and hatred. I feel some degree of love for Jill, Wil, Cory, Rebekah, and Johnny, and of course my mother and sister, but that's nearly the only positive emotion I can garner. I fake happiness to a satisfying degree of success for the benefit of the aforementioned, but even when I'm smiling and laughing or whatnot the desire for destruction and the burning rage is constantly flowing through my mind. It's pretty dismal to be honest. It's no way to live, that's for certain.
Yet, I hypocritically cling to life, and lash out at Jill for her nigh-constant suicidal outbursts. I don't know if that second one is hypocrisy or just that I genuinely care about her, but the former certainly is. I can't commit myself to a way to die and despite finding no logic to them whatsoever, keep scrounging up "reasons" to live. Stupid. Ugh.
Anyway so that's that LJ. Still kickin', still hating it intensely, still gonna keep going from what it looks like. What a fucked up excuse of a man I am. Pathetic. Hahaha, whatever though. It's not like anyone else knows that I feel this way. Just keep pumping out that faux-happiness for them and it's daaaaandy. I'll do that, mire myself in mindless gaming and anime until I get my stupid retirement refund, and then use that to hopefully get back some sort of financial security. And then if that runs out and I still have no job, maybe I can find some kevorkian wannabe (is that how you spell his name? Whatever) to euthanasia my ass.
DERP DERP DERP tl;dr Derek is a fgt piece of shit.
Still haven't found a job either, can I get a fucking hoo-rah for that? Because y'know, why the fuck wouldn't the gods continue to shit on me? No job, no money, and thus all my shit is getting systematically shut off. Lost communication with the outside world pretty well but overall that bothers me little because I've come to hate it all so much. Nearly all my so-called "friends" have turned their backs on me. The people I know I can count on I keep close and dear, but they are few and often hard to stay in touch with. Makes for a pretty isolated and lonely existence, but really, have I not brought it upon myself? I am a cynical, spiteful, nihilistic, suicidal masochist who loathed humankind, yet I am trapped by the limitations of it in regards to desiring that feeling of community and kinship. It's fucking disgusting.
My mind overflows with this daily anymore. I have found myself utterly fascinated with exploring the myriad ways I could leave this world, though in my sickening human weakness I haven't actually committed to any of them. I found a suicide FAQ that I poured through with rapt fascination, delighted by the myriad scenes of destruction the words brought to my imagination. I still find the idea of cyanide most appealing, it'd just be dreadfully hard to obtain.
I just can't stand this world anymore, this meaningless fucking existence. I have nearly stopped feeling any emotions other than anger, disgust, bitter amusement, and hatred. I feel some degree of love for Jill, Wil, Cory, Rebekah, and Johnny, and of course my mother and sister, but that's nearly the only positive emotion I can garner. I fake happiness to a satisfying degree of success for the benefit of the aforementioned, but even when I'm smiling and laughing or whatnot the desire for destruction and the burning rage is constantly flowing through my mind. It's pretty dismal to be honest. It's no way to live, that's for certain.
Yet, I hypocritically cling to life, and lash out at Jill for her nigh-constant suicidal outbursts. I don't know if that second one is hypocrisy or just that I genuinely care about her, but the former certainly is. I can't commit myself to a way to die and despite finding no logic to them whatsoever, keep scrounging up "reasons" to live. Stupid. Ugh.
Anyway so that's that LJ. Still kickin', still hating it intensely, still gonna keep going from what it looks like. What a fucked up excuse of a man I am. Pathetic. Hahaha, whatever though. It's not like anyone else knows that I feel this way. Just keep pumping out that faux-happiness for them and it's daaaaandy. I'll do that, mire myself in mindless gaming and anime until I get my stupid retirement refund, and then use that to hopefully get back some sort of financial security. And then if that runs out and I still have no job, maybe I can find some kevorkian wannabe (is that how you spell his name? Whatever) to euthanasia my ass.
DERP DERP DERP tl;dr Derek is a fgt piece of shit.