FUCK!!!!
so i havent been on this thing in soo long.
I need to vent.
I hate my life. I do. I love Jon, yes, but things are sooo fucking complicated. I am so jealous because of Brandon mostly. He really made me crazy. I used to figure out his passwords and read shit that he wrote to other girls and freak out. And I think all that worrying and sneaky around and constantly trying to catch him making a mistake made me crazy. I do the same thing with Jon. I'm always worrying. I think that it's too good to be true. I think that there is no way he can be that nice and tell me he loves me that much without something else going on. And sometimes if we dont have sex for awhile I automatically think that he must be having sex with someone else if he hasnt wanted to have sex with me. I just drive myself nuts. It's not all Brandon's fault although it is mostly. But the fact that Jon's stepmom is bestfriends with his exgirlfriend who he was engaged to does not help anything at all. I hate her so fucking much and I have never even met her. I am letting her ruin me. I am letting her have that power over me. She is an entire state away and she threatens our relationship still. We have had soo many fights about her. I think I drive myself soo crazy because I wasnt over Brandon when me and jon started dating. Of course I still loved him...we had so much past and I lost my virginity to him and he promised me forever. You dont just get over something like that in a matter of days. But I really did like Jon and I wanted to be with him. So me having those feelings towards Brandon makes me feel that he still had feelings for his ex. I know he did. But I have gotten over Brandon completely and I am sure of that. I dont love him, I wouldnt go back to him, that "fire" between us could never be reignited. I'm just not sure that Jon is over Nell. Yes that is her name. I hope he did. I really really do! It scares me so much. I love him so much and it would kill me if we broke up.
You know one day me and Jon were talking about that movie, I think it called eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, (It has Jim Carrey in it and he erases that girl from his memory) and I said that I could and would do that. Jon was like what...oh my gosh that is horrible. You would totally erase someone from your memory??? And with the thought of me and brandon's relationship I said yes. And Jon was like well what about all the goods times you had with someone you wouldnt want to forget that. And again with the thought of everything me and Brandon went through good and bad I said yes. And Jon said that I must not have really loved that person because If I really did and I was really in love with them I wouldnt do that. And I said well maybe I was never really in love with brandon maybe I just felt like I needed because he loved me and I was scared no one else would. And I questioned everything our whole realtionship. And I have cometo the conclusion that nothing was real. Nothing. I fucking hate that I did that with three years of my life. I really hate myself for it.
I love Jon to death. I would do anything for him. He is the best boyfriend ever and I am so glad that we are together. I LOVE YOU!
I need to vent.
I hate my life. I do. I love Jon, yes, but things are sooo fucking complicated. I am so jealous because of Brandon mostly. He really made me crazy. I used to figure out his passwords and read shit that he wrote to other girls and freak out. And I think all that worrying and sneaky around and constantly trying to catch him making a mistake made me crazy. I do the same thing with Jon. I'm always worrying. I think that it's too good to be true. I think that there is no way he can be that nice and tell me he loves me that much without something else going on. And sometimes if we dont have sex for awhile I automatically think that he must be having sex with someone else if he hasnt wanted to have sex with me. I just drive myself nuts. It's not all Brandon's fault although it is mostly. But the fact that Jon's stepmom is bestfriends with his exgirlfriend who he was engaged to does not help anything at all. I hate her so fucking much and I have never even met her. I am letting her ruin me. I am letting her have that power over me. She is an entire state away and she threatens our relationship still. We have had soo many fights about her. I think I drive myself soo crazy because I wasnt over Brandon when me and jon started dating. Of course I still loved him...we had so much past and I lost my virginity to him and he promised me forever. You dont just get over something like that in a matter of days. But I really did like Jon and I wanted to be with him. So me having those feelings towards Brandon makes me feel that he still had feelings for his ex. I know he did. But I have gotten over Brandon completely and I am sure of that. I dont love him, I wouldnt go back to him, that "fire" between us could never be reignited. I'm just not sure that Jon is over Nell. Yes that is her name. I hope he did. I really really do! It scares me so much. I love him so much and it would kill me if we broke up.
You know one day me and Jon were talking about that movie, I think it called eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, (It has Jim Carrey in it and he erases that girl from his memory) and I said that I could and would do that. Jon was like what...oh my gosh that is horrible. You would totally erase someone from your memory??? And with the thought of me and brandon's relationship I said yes. And Jon was like well what about all the goods times you had with someone you wouldnt want to forget that. And again with the thought of everything me and Brandon went through good and bad I said yes. And Jon said that I must not have really loved that person because If I really did and I was really in love with them I wouldnt do that. And I said well maybe I was never really in love with brandon maybe I just felt like I needed because he loved me and I was scared no one else would. And I questioned everything our whole realtionship. And I have cometo the conclusion that nothing was real. Nothing. I fucking hate that I did that with three years of my life. I really hate myself for it.
I love Jon to death. I would do anything for him. He is the best boyfriend ever and I am so glad that we are together. I LOVE YOU!