struggles
i liked shinee. i wasn't a shawol but i liked them. their songs were chill and they always made me wanna dance. this.. event is hitting me hard, not because i was crazy for him or anything, but because i know the struggle. well 'know' is a strong word. it's really more along the lines of 'understand'. with terrible anxiety, depression was inevitable really. i hate feeling anxious, so depression was a welcome change. of course i didn't know i was dealing with something serious. i just knew that it was better than feeling anxious. so when i say i 'understand', i mean just that. i live in the US so it was easier to find help with my anxiety coz the stigma isn't so bad here. i'm glad my doctor, just a family doctor and not a psychiatrist, didn't look at me with derision. she treated it clinically, yes, but she never once told me that it was my fault, that my personality was the cause of my mental illness. after reading his note, i realized how lucky i was. the stigma here is still concerning, but it's not as bad as it is over there. at least by what i've read about their ways. there's this show called 'hello counselor'(?) where a panel of hosts and guests (celebrities) would vote on whether a situation brought in by guests (regular people), were concerning. the format of the show seemed akin to an 'intervention', although with more judgement than actual concern. i bring this up because i remember an episode where a young man complained about his girlfriend's tendency of treating her dolls as 'real'. he complained about gaining 10-15 lbs since he started dating her as she would always order an extra meal for her 'friend'. he complained that he couldn't throw the food away as it was a waste. it became increasingly obvious that not once did he mention concern about her mental state. she brought her 'friend' with her to the show, and of course the hosts/guests were extremely curious. one of the hosts, he asked her if she really thought her 'friend' was real. she confirmed this and mentioned how her 'friend' had feelings as well. the host laughed at this. laughed. like it was funny. now i know that people respond to weird situations differently, sometimes with an awkward laugh even. but this wasn't that. he was making fun of her for sincerely believing that her 'friend' was, in an unbelievable way, 'alive'. he laughed at her. the camera panned towards her, this young woman who was holding her doll with her shoulders hunched over. she had no friend there. her boyfriend sat with the hosts in front of her. she was alone. this is how they treat mental disorders over there. with incredulous laughter.
when i read the news, i was angry. it seemed as if people turn to suicide when things go wrong. you, a ceo of a company whose boat capsized killing hundreds of students, who committed suicide to escape your problems instead of dealing with it like everyone else does? why? it's situation like those that make me angry. angry because it seems as if they are taking 'suicide' so lightly instead of the epidemic that it really is. of course i was angry. a popular idol at the peak of his career committing suicide in an asian country with high suicide rates? why would i take that seriously? it happens often enough; not exactly news. he was just an entertainer and everyone knows they do drugs and whatnot, screwing their lives over, one decision at a time. then i read his letter. i've never read one before. no, not a letter, usually just a simple sentence such as 'i'm sorry' or whatever. not a letter.
not a letter about his struggles. not about his hatred of himself. not about him feeling alone. not about his hopelessness of ever coming out of it. not about him blaming himself for 'being that way'. not realizing until then that he wrote down something i can relate to. it was then when the first tear rolled out. his struggles, laid out on that space, still calling out for help in spite of his decision. until the end, didn't it seem like he was still reaching for help? anger diffused, crying was all that was left.
rip jonghyun. you can rest now. you tried really hard, but even the strong must fall.
even so, i think i'll continue to try still.
when i read the news, i was angry. it seemed as if people turn to suicide when things go wrong. you, a ceo of a company whose boat capsized killing hundreds of students, who committed suicide to escape your problems instead of dealing with it like everyone else does? why? it's situation like those that make me angry. angry because it seems as if they are taking 'suicide' so lightly instead of the epidemic that it really is. of course i was angry. a popular idol at the peak of his career committing suicide in an asian country with high suicide rates? why would i take that seriously? it happens often enough; not exactly news. he was just an entertainer and everyone knows they do drugs and whatnot, screwing their lives over, one decision at a time. then i read his letter. i've never read one before. no, not a letter, usually just a simple sentence such as 'i'm sorry' or whatever. not a letter.
not a letter about his struggles. not about his hatred of himself. not about him feeling alone. not about his hopelessness of ever coming out of it. not about him blaming himself for 'being that way'. not realizing until then that he wrote down something i can relate to. it was then when the first tear rolled out. his struggles, laid out on that space, still calling out for help in spite of his decision. until the end, didn't it seem like he was still reaching for help? anger diffused, crying was all that was left.
rip jonghyun. you can rest now. you tried really hard, but even the strong must fall.
even so, i think i'll continue to try still.