(no subject)
So things are still rough, I guess. Classes are hard, nights are long and lonely. I am sleeping a bit now, so that helps. I think something snapped in me though, and the dull ache in my chest has gone away. After I decided to give up drinking, most of the urge to do so has gone away too, so I think I can say I have taken a step back from the brink.
I don’t know why the dull ache has gone away either. Maybe it is because I am talking to a girl I had a major crush on last fall, and she seems genuinely interested in me (again). Maybe it is because my roommate has someone he is trying to hook me up with. I know it isn’t because I love her any less. I spent an hour talking to her up in her room, lying together on her bed. I miss that.
Now, before you all yell at me, lemme tell you this: Yesterday she called me at 2300 wanting to know if I could pick her up at 0100 and DD her home. I told her no. It was really difficult for me to do, but for odd reasons. I have told her several times that I would always be there for her. In fact, I based my whole hopes of getting her back on that promise. I broke it. When she needed me, I wasn’t there, and if anything had happened, I would have felt responsible. I also felt terrible because going back on the promise made me a liar. I am a lot of things to a lot of people, but I never want to be a liar.
I had to do it though. She told me the other day that nothing has changed since spring, and that she still cared just as much for me now as then. She meant it in a good way, but I saw through it. Nothing changed for her maybe. She has a guy who loves her dearly, and would do anything for her, and she has someone to go home to and show all her love to. I am still doing everything I used to do, except now I am not feeling the love. That isn’t fair to me.
I also figured out an easy way to say what is bugging me, and how I feel about her new boyfriend, and how he fits into things. For the longest time I was never able to articulate it, and I lost a lot of arguments because of that. Basically, if it weren’t for him, she and I would be back together. She has said a few times that she misses me, and what we had. I am promising her even more than we ever had, but she won’t leave him. She left me because I wasn’t giving her what she needed, and because she was closer to him. Now that she is far away, she still won’t break up with him because she is still having fun with him, and he is still giving her what she thinks she needs. Our relationship stagnated, and couldn’t overcome the distance. Right now, theirs is still strong enough to survive, and there is nothing I can do about it.
So now I cast my lot in with the two new people. One of which I already tried to hook up with, and it fizzled out because she always said she was busy, and I didn’t want to be labeled a stalker. The other will be a pure blind date. I see lots of “fun” in my future, and maybe even a very tough choice, though that will only be if both are interested in me, which I don’t see happening.
I don’t know why the dull ache has gone away either. Maybe it is because I am talking to a girl I had a major crush on last fall, and she seems genuinely interested in me (again). Maybe it is because my roommate has someone he is trying to hook me up with. I know it isn’t because I love her any less. I spent an hour talking to her up in her room, lying together on her bed. I miss that.
Now, before you all yell at me, lemme tell you this: Yesterday she called me at 2300 wanting to know if I could pick her up at 0100 and DD her home. I told her no. It was really difficult for me to do, but for odd reasons. I have told her several times that I would always be there for her. In fact, I based my whole hopes of getting her back on that promise. I broke it. When she needed me, I wasn’t there, and if anything had happened, I would have felt responsible. I also felt terrible because going back on the promise made me a liar. I am a lot of things to a lot of people, but I never want to be a liar.
I had to do it though. She told me the other day that nothing has changed since spring, and that she still cared just as much for me now as then. She meant it in a good way, but I saw through it. Nothing changed for her maybe. She has a guy who loves her dearly, and would do anything for her, and she has someone to go home to and show all her love to. I am still doing everything I used to do, except now I am not feeling the love. That isn’t fair to me.
I also figured out an easy way to say what is bugging me, and how I feel about her new boyfriend, and how he fits into things. For the longest time I was never able to articulate it, and I lost a lot of arguments because of that. Basically, if it weren’t for him, she and I would be back together. She has said a few times that she misses me, and what we had. I am promising her even more than we ever had, but she won’t leave him. She left me because I wasn’t giving her what she needed, and because she was closer to him. Now that she is far away, she still won’t break up with him because she is still having fun with him, and he is still giving her what she thinks she needs. Our relationship stagnated, and couldn’t overcome the distance. Right now, theirs is still strong enough to survive, and there is nothing I can do about it.
So now I cast my lot in with the two new people. One of which I already tried to hook up with, and it fizzled out because she always said she was busy, and I didn’t want to be labeled a stalker. The other will be a pure blind date. I see lots of “fun” in my future, and maybe even a very tough choice, though that will only be if both are interested in me, which I don’t see happening.