(no subject)
Well, I am still breathing, though I doubt you could consider what I have been doing since my last update as “living”.
I took her off AIM today. It is best, I think. I said some things to her yesterday night before I got drunk that she didn’t like. I realized that as long as I saw her name there, I would try and talk to her. Not anymore. ::sigh:: She can talk to me if she wants to, and I would love to hear from her, but it isn’t my choice anymore.
I am also working on engineering and ROTC and all that. So far no major disasters, but who knows how long till that happens. The first test rotation is coming up, so time to get beaten down by them. I still have no faith that I will make it through this semester, and it will be my last one here. Oh well. I was only happy for a short time. Before that, and after that, it is a living hell.
In the midst of all that is going on with her, ROTC, and school, I am battling the early stages of alcoholism. For the second weekend in a row, I was drinking both days, and ¾ of the nights I don’t remember how I got into bed. I used to do it every once in a while, but then I would wake up, feel like an ass, and not drink for a while. Not anymore. I just don’t care. She has numbed me to it, and I think I enjoy the blackness. It gives me a break. What is worse is that I wake up in the morning, and I want to drink again. That sealed the deal for me.
So now, no more drinking in a dorm room. If I want to drink, it will have to be somewhere off campus, preferably home. I have too much on the line, and I can’t afford to piss away night after night drinking. Not to mention that alcoholism runs in the family, so it wouldn’t be hard for me to just let go.
I find myself fighting the temptation to just let everything go, to just take a step back and let my sins and vices consume my soul. I just don’t care, or at least I think I don’t. I know that it isn’t true. I just need a reason to care again.
Been listening to the same song all weekend. It fits my mood well. Time to try and sleep, then start another lonely week.
::sigh::
I took her off AIM today. It is best, I think. I said some things to her yesterday night before I got drunk that she didn’t like. I realized that as long as I saw her name there, I would try and talk to her. Not anymore. ::sigh:: She can talk to me if she wants to, and I would love to hear from her, but it isn’t my choice anymore.
I am also working on engineering and ROTC and all that. So far no major disasters, but who knows how long till that happens. The first test rotation is coming up, so time to get beaten down by them. I still have no faith that I will make it through this semester, and it will be my last one here. Oh well. I was only happy for a short time. Before that, and after that, it is a living hell.
In the midst of all that is going on with her, ROTC, and school, I am battling the early stages of alcoholism. For the second weekend in a row, I was drinking both days, and ¾ of the nights I don’t remember how I got into bed. I used to do it every once in a while, but then I would wake up, feel like an ass, and not drink for a while. Not anymore. I just don’t care. She has numbed me to it, and I think I enjoy the blackness. It gives me a break. What is worse is that I wake up in the morning, and I want to drink again. That sealed the deal for me.
So now, no more drinking in a dorm room. If I want to drink, it will have to be somewhere off campus, preferably home. I have too much on the line, and I can’t afford to piss away night after night drinking. Not to mention that alcoholism runs in the family, so it wouldn’t be hard for me to just let go.
I find myself fighting the temptation to just let everything go, to just take a step back and let my sins and vices consume my soul. I just don’t care, or at least I think I don’t. I know that it isn’t true. I just need a reason to care again.
Been listening to the same song all weekend. It fits my mood well. Time to try and sleep, then start another lonely week.
::sigh::