Through the looking glass
I spent two days with my uncle in Ft. Lauderdale this weekend. I have barely spent any time with the guy, and it was pretty surreal to do so. While my dad lives modestly, saving his money, and buying only what he needs to be comfortable, my uncle spends his money like water. He owns a successful furniture company, so he has the money to burn. From his $250k boat to his house right on the water, it was a whole different world. The finest booze, expensive steaks, no expense spared. It was a nice break from the trenches.
We (my brother and I) got there on Friday, and spent the afternoon talking and sipping of scotch. Then we went to the first bar, where I gorged myself on ribs and beer. It was amazing. I haven’t wanted to eat anything for a month, yet get a few beers in me, and I pound down a rack and a half.
After dinner we went to a hole in the wall bar for 3 more rounds. It was the kind of place one is afraid the touch anything in. It looked like the place hadn’t been washed in about 5 years, the same with the average patron of said bar.
We didn’t stay out too late because there was fishing to be done. It was very weird to be pulling out to sea in the aforementioned $250k boat, and being accompanied by about 5 other equally expensive boats, and everyone knew my uncle.
Once we got out to sea, it was impressive, and for a little while, I forgot all about her, and school, and everything else. I looked out over the bow, and played through Wave Over Wave in my head, and a few others, and felt good. Then I began to pay attention to the classic rock on the radio, and chatting with my uncle. Such a departure from everything I am used to.
Fishing wasn’t too good. We went trolling for about 5 hours, and I caught a dolphin at about 1130. That was the extent of the fishing. At about 0900 or so, I started drinking, nothing major, just about a beer every half hour or so. I wasn’t even buzzed when we got back to the house. After a sandwich we headed out to another bar for a little bit. It wasn’t so much of a dive, mostly because it was right on the beach. Once we got back, more drinking, and then my uncle’s girlfriend started pushing for answers as to how I am doing, and feeling.
For the first time since the split, I cried. Full, honest crying. I haven’t done that since the troubles of 2004. It just hit me how messed up everything is. I am not happy, and I won’t be happy for a long time. Not just because of my social life, but school, and everything else. The only thing I have to cling to is Air Force, and the hopes that that will be the answer to my problems.
I am adrift. Nothing to look forward to. All I can do is set my feet, lower my shoulder and take the next blow straight to the head.
Speaking of that, I picked her up from the airport. When I told my uncle’s girlfriend about this deal on Friday, she had flipped out, and wanted me to not do it, and give her the money for a cab or something. I was absolutely horrified by that idea, and fought tooth and nail to convince her that this is what I wanted to do, and what I needed to do.
Over the weekend I had almost forgotten about her, and that felt good. Then as soon as I set foot back to my room, everything came back. Again.
There is no escape, no relief. There she is. But now is the time for the hardest thing. I spent the last two weeks showing her that I have changed, and want to change, and do what I can to get her back. I was a fool, I was wrong, and I am sorry. I had to show her that, since everyone says it, but few can actually follow through. I did, to no avail. Now I have to let go, and hope that she comes back.
The problem is, I know she won’t. I know how these things go. I am forgotten so easily it is scary. If I am not right there pushing, I just get put on the backburner, and that is the end of that. Even if in 2 months she is ready for someone new, she won’t come back to me. These two weeks, she never opened her heart, never had an open mind, never wanted to consider anything else other than getting back to Indiana. She never understood what I was trying to do. She always accused me of trying to suck up to her. ::sigh:: If only she understood, then things would be immeasurably better, for both of us, I am sure of it.
But then again, if grasshoppers had machineguns, birds would leave them alone.
We (my brother and I) got there on Friday, and spent the afternoon talking and sipping of scotch. Then we went to the first bar, where I gorged myself on ribs and beer. It was amazing. I haven’t wanted to eat anything for a month, yet get a few beers in me, and I pound down a rack and a half.
After dinner we went to a hole in the wall bar for 3 more rounds. It was the kind of place one is afraid the touch anything in. It looked like the place hadn’t been washed in about 5 years, the same with the average patron of said bar.
We didn’t stay out too late because there was fishing to be done. It was very weird to be pulling out to sea in the aforementioned $250k boat, and being accompanied by about 5 other equally expensive boats, and everyone knew my uncle.
Once we got out to sea, it was impressive, and for a little while, I forgot all about her, and school, and everything else. I looked out over the bow, and played through Wave Over Wave in my head, and a few others, and felt good. Then I began to pay attention to the classic rock on the radio, and chatting with my uncle. Such a departure from everything I am used to.
Fishing wasn’t too good. We went trolling for about 5 hours, and I caught a dolphin at about 1130. That was the extent of the fishing. At about 0900 or so, I started drinking, nothing major, just about a beer every half hour or so. I wasn’t even buzzed when we got back to the house. After a sandwich we headed out to another bar for a little bit. It wasn’t so much of a dive, mostly because it was right on the beach. Once we got back, more drinking, and then my uncle’s girlfriend started pushing for answers as to how I am doing, and feeling.
For the first time since the split, I cried. Full, honest crying. I haven’t done that since the troubles of 2004. It just hit me how messed up everything is. I am not happy, and I won’t be happy for a long time. Not just because of my social life, but school, and everything else. The only thing I have to cling to is Air Force, and the hopes that that will be the answer to my problems.
I am adrift. Nothing to look forward to. All I can do is set my feet, lower my shoulder and take the next blow straight to the head.
Speaking of that, I picked her up from the airport. When I told my uncle’s girlfriend about this deal on Friday, she had flipped out, and wanted me to not do it, and give her the money for a cab or something. I was absolutely horrified by that idea, and fought tooth and nail to convince her that this is what I wanted to do, and what I needed to do.
Over the weekend I had almost forgotten about her, and that felt good. Then as soon as I set foot back to my room, everything came back. Again.
There is no escape, no relief. There she is. But now is the time for the hardest thing. I spent the last two weeks showing her that I have changed, and want to change, and do what I can to get her back. I was a fool, I was wrong, and I am sorry. I had to show her that, since everyone says it, but few can actually follow through. I did, to no avail. Now I have to let go, and hope that she comes back.
The problem is, I know she won’t. I know how these things go. I am forgotten so easily it is scary. If I am not right there pushing, I just get put on the backburner, and that is the end of that. Even if in 2 months she is ready for someone new, she won’t come back to me. These two weeks, she never opened her heart, never had an open mind, never wanted to consider anything else other than getting back to Indiana. She never understood what I was trying to do. She always accused me of trying to suck up to her. ::sigh:: If only she understood, then things would be immeasurably better, for both of us, I am sure of it.
But then again, if grasshoppers had machineguns, birds would leave them alone.