Clothes
They say the clothes make the man. And I honestly have to agree with them.
So in March I bought a chest binder, which I’ve mentioned a few times before. I got the Underworks Ultimate Chest Binder (http://www.underworks.com/product/productinfo/ultimate-chest-binder-tank/325?cid=4) which is basically a REALLY REALLY tight singlet made of a mesh that has basically no stretch and no breathability. It’s uncomfortable and restricting and makes it hard to breathe. It agitates my already bad shoulder pain. It took me a while to be able to wear it all day. I only wore it at home, for an hour or two at a time and slowly worked myself up to be able to wear it all day. Once I came out publically in May I started wearing it to work. Now I wear it every time I leave the house, unless I’m going for a run.
It flattens all my lumps and bumps as much as possible. This means my belly and hip flab gets flattened out and, most importantly, my chest is flattened. Because all that fat and breast tissue needs to go somewhere, it goes inwards. Squeezes my rib cage and lungs. Pushes my belly fat in and squishes my stomach. On the plus side, I now get uncomfortably full from a lot less food, so I’m losing weight just because I don’t feel comfortable eating as much. I can’t do any exercise in it, or I can’t breathe enough. I gave myself an asthma attack once running for a train with it on. Not pleasant.
Despite all these negatives, it’s my favourite piece of clothing of all time. I feel better wearing my binder than I do in any other piece of clothing. And feel worse in any piece of clothing if I’m not wearing it. The amount of confidence I get from it is incredible. The clothes I’ve always wanted to wear finally fit. Or at least, fit a whole lot better than they used to without binding. While my hips are slimmer, I still have big old child-bearing bones which makes button up shirts a challenge. I usually can’t close the bottom button. Overall though, I’ve started dressing completely differently and I feel amazing.
My relationship with clothes was one of necessity. You need to wear clothes, you may as well wear clothes that you like. Seeing as the clothes I liked never fit past the age of 13, I was given a choice. Go with clothes that fit and look good (but feel bad), or go with clothes that are huge and baggy and feel good (but look bad). I’d make different choices depending on where I was, how presentable I needed to be. The best thing about the binder is now I don’t need to make that choice. I feel mentally and emotionally comfortable, as well as damn good looking.
Getting dressed has become a little ritual, where I carefully choose how I want to present myself to the world. I chose what makes me happiest and most days leave the mirror feeling fly as hell. And shopping is suddenly a blast. I don’t buy a lot of new clothes, mostly due to cost. But I’ve managed to completely replace my wardrobe going to opp shops (aka thrift shops) and vintage stores. Because the clothes are so cheap, I can take chances and experiment with my look. If something doesn’t pan out, it’s no great loss. But I’ve found so many treasures. The feeling of finding something that fits, looks good and is cheap is the greatest. I’d like to keep experimenting and go a bit further. Also, gain the upper body to fit a lot of other clothes (eg jackets are impossible to find, either too big in the shoulders and arms or too small in the hips). But I’ll get there. And I’ll have fun on the way.