[Fic] That Place We Cannot Reach - Chapter 27
“What do you want to know?” Kame asked curiously with a slight frown and a sudden, fast heartbeat. “Why do you even want to know?”
“I want to know more about you.” Jin said with another frown, clearly frustrated with the fact that Kame still couldn’t realize how much he wanted to know all of him. “I know it’s difficult, but maybe you will feel better-“
“I feel great, though.” Kame interrupted him at a loss, not knowing what to do to prevent this conversation from happening. Why did Jin want to know all these details all of a sudden, why…when they were working things out for the better again…
“Kame…”
“I’m sorry. I just…I’m not sure I want to talk about it right now.”
“Why?” Jin asked, stroking his hair gently. “Are things not going well there?”
“Jin, if things were going well there, do you think I would have come back here?”
He didn’t miss the way Jin’s body stiffened at that, but he refused to allow himself to get affected by it. It was harsh, but it was a reality, and it was Jin who had demanded to know. If he couldn’t even stomach the truth about this world, then he would never be able to proceed further. It was like a video game; without battling a big monster to get the key, one would never be able to unlock the door to the next level.
“Can you tell me how it all started?” Jin eventually spoke again, pulling him closer with a small sigh. Kame shifted his position to sit on his thighs and gave him a stern look.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“We debuted in 2006, which practically makes it 8 years ago in my world. And then, 4 years after the debut…Jin left.”
“Why?”
“Because he wanted to go solo.” Kame said, and somehow it felt really weird to narrate the story without the slightest pinch of ache inside. It was as if he was reading a random story he had found in yesterday’s newspaper, as if he was saying out loud what he had studied for history class. “He had been acting weird throughout the previous year and then…it happened.”
“And what did you…how did you react?”
“I don’t really remember anymore.”
Which was a lie, of course. But it didn’t matter. His reaction had never been the important part of the story. And it wouldn’t change a thing, anyway. Jin was gone, and this Jin now was smart enough to figure out that it had hurt. It didn’t take a rocket scientist, after all.
“Were you still together after he left?”
“No. Our good times had passed way before that, anyway. We had always been so close, ever since our junior days…”
“Your what?” Jin blinked in confusing and Kame smiled slightly.
“Our pre-debut days. We were foolish teenagers who would always fight and get in trouble, especially when KAT-TUN were first formed. We grew up, wearing the mental wounds proudly, but I guess in the end we never managed to escape completely. Some of us were just too wild to be tamed in a group. Some of us just wanted…freedom.”
“So…”
“So…Koki also left in the end. It was a huge blow as well, especially to our music and songs.”
“I understand.” Jin mumbled softly, taking one of Kame’s hands in his own. “Sometimes I wonder what our songs would be like without Koki and well…the result I get is so empty, I don’t want it to happen.”
“It happened to me.” Kame voiced out with a hoarse voice; there was no way he could be getting emotional at that part, was it? It belonged to the past, he had learned to fight his past, to keep away the bad events. “And…I’m making everyone worry because I go back and forth, eating my energy and my strength back and I can’t tell them what’s happening. Ueda asked me if I’m thinking of leaving them too.”
“You would never do that.” Jin replied immediately, squeezing his fingers in support. “I know you wouldn’t.”
“I know.” He nodded, his free hand playing with the fabric of Jin’s top. “But there’s…no guarantee anymore. Do you know how many times Koki said he loves the group, that he would never leave us as long as our fans stayed faithful, that as much as he hated it in the past, he was glad to be a part of us now…”
“Kame-“
“It’s hard for all of us to trust each other anymore. I mean, we came closer and we made new promises and we set rules and all, but…at this point, if someone else decides to leave, we can’t prevent our ship from going down.”
“But you don’t have to think like that.”
“But I can’t help it. And Ueda couldn’t, either. I’ve been absent for so long, I refuse to talk to them about where I am and where I go…it’s only normal for him to reach that conclusion.”
Jin didn’t reply to that. Instead, he closed Kame in his embrace and pulled him up a bit so that the younger could rest his head on his chest. He stoked his hair again and then his ear, his lips on the top of his head. Barely touching, but still enough to make Kame aware that they were there. It was the kind of comfort Kame loved the most, and even though it surprised him that Jin was doing it without being aware, he had no reason to turn it down. Even though it reminded him too much of all the things he had been trying to forget.
Really, what exactly had he been trying to achieve by going back and forth? It was a question he had never bothered finding an answer for, but now it was urgent to do so in order to stop hurting the people he loved. How long would he keep doing this? Would it end when he would grow tired of it? What would happen if he became too addicted to care about reality anymore? He had everything he wanted here and yet knowing the situation he was leaving behind made him unable to just drop everything and live here. Which was good, it meant that he still hadn’t lost his mind completely, but…would he be able to keep this balance for long? He was already falling apart at the seams.
“So…being here…is it like turning back time?”
Kame peered up at him; was this question a trap? Jin didn’t really feel offended or anything, mostly sad and curious. He rested his head back again and brought their tangled fingers close to his eyes.
“I don’t know anymore. I think I got more than I bargained for and I’m not sure I can actually handle it. But being here is amazing and I don’t think I can ever walk back without being impatient to return.”
“Really?” Jin asked, a sudden ray of hope shining in his eyes. Kame raised his head again and looked at him in slight despair.
“Yes. Why, you thought I don’t care about you? Are you doubting me as well?”
“I’m not doubting you. I wanted you to feel that way, I just wasn’t…you know, you don’t always show your feelings so it’s not always easy to tell.”
“So you are indeed doubting me.”
“Kame.” Jin hissed in a warning tone, pulling on his hair a bit. “If you’re tying to piss me off to avoid talking about your world, it won’t work.”
“Damn.”
“Go ahead.”
“What else do you want to know?”
“Have you seen…him? Ever since you broke up?”
“Yes. I saw him the last time I was here.” Kame confessed quickly; it was better to get it out of his system as long as Jin wasn’t angry. “I was out to get coffee and I felt dizzy and he happened to be at the same place and helped me go home. He took care of me and we talked, but then I sent him away.”
“Why?”
“Because I can barely handle one of you at a time, I would fail miserably at dealing with both of you.”
“Smartass.” Jin snickered, dropping a kiss on his lips. “I’m not that bad, am I?”
“No, you’re not.” Kame chuckled before he could control it, kissing him back. “He’s not bad either, just…you know.”
“He’s bad because he didn’t realize what he let go of.”
“Duh, come on.”
“I’m sorry.” Jin smirked, sliding his hands to his waist and pulling his blouse upwards. Kame raised an eyebrow.
“Is this why you wanted us alone in here?”
“No.” Jin let out innocently. “But having you on top of me is too tempting…”
“Me being on top of you? I thought you liked it better when you were on top.”
“Well…let’s see.” Jin replied, pushing him to the side and quickly climbing on top of him. Kame didn’t resist; instead he grabbed him by the collar and quickly pulled him down for a kiss, moaning shamelessly when Jin’s fingers found their way to his chest, teasing his nipples. Jin kissed him back eagerly, but pulled back almost immediately to have him undressed, unable to hide his hungry smile. Kame looked up at him and tilted his head, his eyes half-closed.
“This is the kind of conversation I want to have every day.”
“Are you in my mind?” Jin said with a voice hoarse and filled with passion. “We can talk many times a day, if you want.”
“Hmmm, can you really handle so many conversations?”
“I’ll show you who can handle what.” Jin replied, biting Kame’s lip and moving down to attack his neck.
Conversations like that one always led to a very good result, after all…
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The 3rd day arrived foggy and with a dark sky, matching Kame’s mood perfectly. As much as he had enjoyed yesterday, today made him pretty moody. He did his best to hide it from everyone (especially Jin), but when afternoon came, he decided to isolate himself for a couple of hours and went up to the rooftop of the building. It was just as quiet as he wanted it to be, and he moved to the terrace rails to take a look at the view. He had never realized how tall the building was and how tiny other buildings looked around it.
It was beautiful, though. It was getting dark and the lights were on at the streets, making everything even more poetic. It sent Kame’s stress and agony away and he closed his eyes, breathing in the air that kept blowing on his face. How had he never visited that place before? How had nobody ever talked about it? It was the perfect place to sit and think without problems. He stayed here for half an hour, not really doing anything. The others would look for him, and he would also had to leave soon so he could talk to Jin, but it was so calm here and it made him unwilling to turn around and go downstairs again.
“…hey.”
Of course, he had to turn around the moment he heard a voice. He was scared that he would come across a KAT-TUN member and he didn’t know what to say. But it was Tamamori, and he instantly felt better. After all, he hadn’t talked to him for ages and thinking about their last conversation, he became curious to hear the result.
“What are you doing here?”
“Nothing in particular.” Tamamori replied quietly, walking towards him. “By the way, Jin is looking for you.”
“I thought so. I want to talk to him, just…not now.”
“Do you want me to leave, am I interrupting-“
“No, it’s ok.” Kame smiled. “I was actually wondering if you worked everything out with…you know.”
“Good.” Tamamori replied quickly with a small smile. “Great, actually, I mean…we made up during the trip and now we’re ok.”
“You’re together?”
“Yes, and we’re really ok. He’s still not very comfortable in public so we’re still keeping it a secret, but at least he’s ok with me being cozy when all the member are in the same room…you know, like before.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Kame said, leaning back on the rails. “So…is he ok with you telling me?”
“You’re an exception.” Tamamori admitted. “And Taisuke already told Yamapi, because he remembers how I failed to control my emotions when they were having fun.”
Kame nodded; he remembered it as well, it was no secret.
“I’m happy for you, really.”
“Are you ok? You seem to be on and off these days…I know we’re not as close, but watching you from afar…I was kinda worried.”
“Thanks. I’m ok, really. Just a bit stressed about trivial things.”
“Ok. I understand.”
They talked a bit more for random things, most of them related to music and what they liked about their groups. Then Kame bid farewell to him and went back into the building, running down the stairs and clutching the rings in his hands, his heart beating faster and faster. He headed straight to the bedroom and smiled in relief when he saw Jin sitting in there. The latter smiled at him as well, even though it didn’t reach his ears. Kame sat down next to him and stretched his hands out to him.
“One last hug before I go?”
“Nope.”
“Why?” Kame frowned.
“Because if I do that, it means you’re leaving.”
“Come on, I will be back.” Kame groaned, sneaking into his embrace and Jin closed his arms around him with a bitter chuckle. He kissed the top of his head and mumbled something Kame didn’t manage to hear. It was ok, though; maybe it was for the best.
“I hope I won’t feel so down while you’re gone. What am I gonna tell the others, though?”
“I will tell them everything when I come back. I mean it this time.” Kame replied and pulled back to see Jin’s face. He was serious, but when their eyes met, he softened and caressed his cheeks.
“I can tell them, if you want me to.”
“But it should be my responsibility…”
“You’re going to go through it once in your world. Let me do this here. And they’ll have plenty of time to digest it and bitch at you if they want when you are back.”
Kame smiled in dejection. “You’re too good to be true.”
“Indeed.” Jin smiled back. “Now go.”
He pushed him gently and Kame rose to his feet, slowly letting go of his hands. Jin gave him a last knowing look, his eyes shining with hope and expectation, and Kame bit his lip and averted his gaze. Retrieving the rings from his pockets, he glanced at Jin again; he was still watching. Then he went inside the bathroom and closed the door behind him; it was better this way, it was better if they didn’t see each other the moment it would happen. He took a deep breath and focused on his wish, his determination to go back. He could only hope that he would be able to enjoy a night of good sleep before calling the members to tell them about the existence of the rings.
Although, realistically speaking, how much sleep could he actually get when his mind was filled with “how to” questions and suggestions? He was always busy, it didn’t matter if he was asleep or not. But going back now was his choice. He had chosen to agree to Juri’s plan and now it was time to keep his end of the deal.
This time, he didn’t feel like fainting or falling dead asleep. This time, it was different, more vivid. It was as if a typhoon was pulling him inside, and for a few seconds, he felt extremely nauseous. He wasn’t sure if the sounds ringing in his ears were actually happening or if it was him being stupid, but before he could figure it out, the clouds in front of his eyes faded away and his feet hit the ground really hard, making him kneel with a quiet groan. He dropped the rings accidentally and the sound they made while the landed on the floor made him shake his head and remain still for a few moments, taking deep breaths to send the nausea away.
Well, at least he didn’t feel tired or exhausted, that was a good sign. Aside from the nausea, he could get used to this kind of transportation pretty fast. His fingers reached for the rings blindly and he clutched them tightly. When he finally made sure that the earth wouldn’t spin if he stood up, he rested on the nearest wall and pulled himself up slowly, blinking a few times to find his vision again. He was in his very own bathroom, in his very own house. The towels, the bathtub, the familiar scent of cologne…it was as if he had just exited the room an hour ago. Nothing seemed different or old, but since he had both rings now, it was possible that time was actually moving on at a normal pace. He glanced at his reflection on the mirror; no pale face, no dark circles, nothing. He was healthy, and he had long hair and muscles and well…he was home.
But he was not alone. And when he opened the door to go to the living room, it was kinda late to react to the sight of KAT-TUN. He froze on the spot.
“What are you-“
“We’ve been expecting you.” Ueda replied quickly; he was the only one who had recovered from the obvious shock. “Although we expected to see you coming from outside, not from the bathroom. Which was actually empty until 10 minutes ago.”
“Kame…what are you doing?” Junno asked hesitatingly, as if the man standing in front of them was a fraud, a very good imitation of their real friend. Kame looked down on the floor, but after a while, he faced them again with courage.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Oh, you finally think that way? Good. What are you holding?”
“These?” Kame asked back, trying to gain some time. “They are…a pair of very special rings.”
“I’ve never seen them before.” Maru finally spoke as well and Kame licked his lips, a forced smile blooming on his face.
“They have…powers. Magic powers. They create a world out of our biggest wish.”
Not that they would believe him, of course. Junno and Maru looked at each other in disbelief, while Ueda raised an eyebrow. He was one step away from exploding and Kame had to try very hard to prevent his heart from bursting out of his chest. Of course, he wouldn’t have believed that story either if someone had told him. But he needed them to believe in order to keep revealing the truth, otherwise, they would never manage to communicate well again.
Not that believing the story would make things easier, though. Believing that he had practically sold their friendship in order to live in world full of delusions was way worse than not believing him at all. Either way, his actions screamed betrayal and Kame knew he would be lucky if they didn’t lock him up in the first mental hospital available.
“Is this the excuse you came up with?” Ueda asked, not even bothering to keep his voice calm. “You’ve been keeping secrets from us, you collapsed and jeopardized our whole schedule, you did nothing but communicate with cryptic messages, you made us worry to death when you left the hospital without telling us and now all you tell us is that these stupid rings have powers? KAME!”
“I’m serious!” Kame insisted. “This is why I have been missing and this is why I was always so tired when I showed up again! I’ve been….going back and forth, from my wish world to this one.”
“Kame, are you ok?” Junno asked, the fear in his voice beyond evident. Maru opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Ueda spoke again.
“Are you on drugs?”
“Of course not! Listen, I have to take the rings to someone because they’re not mine, but you can come with me and we can talk aft-“
“Is the one you have to give the rings to…Juri?” Ueda interrupted him again in a mocking manner. Junno looked at Kame.
“What is he talking about?”
“Is this why he was here last time? Is he the one who’s been brainwashing you?”
“I’m not lying and either is he! If you want, I can-“
“No, stop it!” Ueda yelled, grabbing his wrists. “Give me these rings.”
“I can’t!”
“I said give them to me!”
“They are not mine and nothing will change if you take them!” Kame protested, struggling desperately, but Ueda’s strength was notorious and the battle was hard to win.
“He is harming you, give them to me now!”
“Stop it!”
“I AM NOT GOING TO LET ONE MORE TANAKA DESTROY US!” Ueda finally barked, landing a punch on his face. It sent Kame to the floor with a pained yelp and of course, he couldn’t keep holding on to the rings. Ueda grabbed them immediately while Junno and Maru got in the middle, yelling at them to stop. While Junno did his best to keep Ueda down, Maru helped Kame stand up and practically pushed him to his bedroom, kicking him in and locking the door, successfully trapping him inside. It took Kame 10 minutes to stop panting and the blood dripping from his lip didn’t help him either. As realization dawned on him, he slid next to his bed and sat on the carpet, his whole body shaking.
He was locked in his room with nowhere to go and without the rings to help him. Jin was going to skin him alive.
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