Instructions given on kindness
You have some things to work on with her. You want to establish your authority. This is what she wants. This is what you are willing to provide. Dominant or not, you are now The One In Charge.
Here are a few thoughts regarding changing behaviors that you do not like:
Be kind. Tell her that you need her to Do X. For instance, "Honey, Go take a shower now. Tomorrow take one at 4pm."
Focus on one thing at a time, trying to change hygiene habits, smoking habits, parenting styles and anything else all at once will lead to massive failure and frustration.
Walk away if tempers flare and revisit later when all is calm. You don't physically have to leave, just mentally check out. Tell her you have done so by saying, "We will revisit this tomorrow at 7pm."
Listen for her understanding, make sure she knows that you want her to shower every day at 4pm and not just when she skipped the day before. If you arrive home and its obvious she is not showered, simply go back to your original statement of "Honey, Go take a shower now. Tomorrow take one at 4pm."
Don't try to read her mind. Don't assume that she thinks showering is stupid or a waste of time and who cares? Ask her why she had a problem today getting showered at 4pm.
Listen to her thoughts and try to see her side. You don't have to agree. Just see what she is dealing with. It could be that the kids get home from school at 3:30 and she is busy making snack at 4 so showering then doesn't work.
Work together at coming up with a better plan.
Forgive her. Accept her. You love her even if she didn't shower. You want to hold her and show love to her and you are more likely to do so when she is fresh and squeaky clean.
Stay away from negatives. Use "I" statements. For instance, rather than, "You stink. Are you trying to drive people away?" say instead, "Honey, take a shower and then we will snuggle on the couch a bit. I need some loving."
Continue with how you have been answering my questions with, "I am not sure. Let me think on it awhile." Don't feel pressured into fixing everything at once. You make decisions, discuss with her the plan of action, work with her to make the plan work and resolve the issue.
Because of her many problems, mental and physical, there are going to have to be times that you allow her to miss her routine. "Honey, you can barely walk, why don't you let me run you a bath?" instead of pushing for her to shower. Remember to show strength and compassion.
Here are a few thoughts regarding changing behaviors that you do not like:
Be kind. Tell her that you need her to Do X. For instance, "Honey, Go take a shower now. Tomorrow take one at 4pm."
Focus on one thing at a time, trying to change hygiene habits, smoking habits, parenting styles and anything else all at once will lead to massive failure and frustration.
Walk away if tempers flare and revisit later when all is calm. You don't physically have to leave, just mentally check out. Tell her you have done so by saying, "We will revisit this tomorrow at 7pm."
Listen for her understanding, make sure she knows that you want her to shower every day at 4pm and not just when she skipped the day before. If you arrive home and its obvious she is not showered, simply go back to your original statement of "Honey, Go take a shower now. Tomorrow take one at 4pm."
Don't try to read her mind. Don't assume that she thinks showering is stupid or a waste of time and who cares? Ask her why she had a problem today getting showered at 4pm.
Listen to her thoughts and try to see her side. You don't have to agree. Just see what she is dealing with. It could be that the kids get home from school at 3:30 and she is busy making snack at 4 so showering then doesn't work.
Work together at coming up with a better plan.
Forgive her. Accept her. You love her even if she didn't shower. You want to hold her and show love to her and you are more likely to do so when she is fresh and squeaky clean.
Stay away from negatives. Use "I" statements. For instance, rather than, "You stink. Are you trying to drive people away?" say instead, "Honey, take a shower and then we will snuggle on the couch a bit. I need some loving."
Continue with how you have been answering my questions with, "I am not sure. Let me think on it awhile." Don't feel pressured into fixing everything at once. You make decisions, discuss with her the plan of action, work with her to make the plan work and resolve the issue.
Because of her many problems, mental and physical, there are going to have to be times that you allow her to miss her routine. "Honey, you can barely walk, why don't you let me run you a bath?" instead of pushing for her to shower. Remember to show strength and compassion.