Power to the Fairy
An acquaintance of mine startled me at a gathering the other day. She sought me out in a corner to compliment me. She said that she envies me my positive self-image and my self-confidence. I smiled and nodded and allowed her to continue believing that I am not hounded by mean whispers of self-contempt and self-loathing. But it’s not true, I am not all proud and satisfied with who I am.
I hear daily, from that terrible imp inside my head that says, “You’re fat,” or “You’ve got rashes and they are gross,” or “What a klutz, you are always stumbling,” or any number of other things that Imp says. That Imp is brutal. I would never talk to a friend in the manner this Imp speaks to me. In fact, I don’t even speak to my detested big sister as rudely as this Imp speaks to me.
There have been times in my life when the Imp gained power and assaulted me with contempt and loathing all day long. Do you know how exhausting that is? You might, if you have an Imp of your own. The Imp has been successful in beating me down and damaging my mind so successfully at times that I could only just hang on. A handful of you have witnessed what happens when the Imp gains too much control of me. It’s pretty detrimental.
How do I control the Imp? I smile, push the words away and replace the Imps words with words from the Fairy. The Imp says, “Your hands are ugly,” and the Fairy counters with, “Oh my goodness, look at how beautifully the new nail polish sparkles.” Or the Imp says, “You’re fat,” and the Fairy counters with, “Look at those curves! Wow, nice.”
Reacting by focusing on a positive point really helps me keep the Imp small and nearly unrecognizable. Sometimes the Imps words startle me and make me want to cry and then I smile and think, “Oh, the poor Imp is crabby,” and I do something nice for myself like getting a manicure or having my hair done or ironing that dress that I have been wanting to wear, taking a few moments to color.
Things that seem to quiet the Imp are taking better care of myself. I put on a new eye shadow and the Imp says, “Why bother, you will still have that ugly eye freckle?” but I put it on anyway. I put on new shoes and the Imp says, “Your knee is such a wreck you’re going to fall down like an idiot,” but I put them on and ask a nearby friend for an arm of support. I get new fairy hair and the Imp says, “It will just make you look older and highlight your gray,” and I look in the mirror and smile at the sparkle and rejoice that I am no longer an awkward teen or a troubled twenty-some.
I am certainly aware of my faults, both physical and mental but I continually strive to quiet those thoughts of self-doubt and do what I can to improve the moment. The Imp points out the negative. Rather than focus on the negative, I smile and look to the Fairy and wait for her countering focus on the positive.
Power to the Fairy, control that Imp!