General Advice
Soulshaven is a wonderful website I was recently led to. It’s written by a Master and submissive and holds a wealth of advice and insight. Today’s lesson was from the subs point of view and is simply titled "General Advice".
The four points kitten, the writer makes are:
1-D/s is not abuse
2-Talk (a lot)
3-You can say No
4-Expect to change
To me, D/s is most definitely not abuse. I feel so valued and cared for when in a D/s relationship. It is very similar to parenting in that kids thrive on discipline and want to please their parents when learning new skills. With D/s you will most likely be aware of consequences before you do something against the rules. Sure, we sometimes surprise each other but for the most part, I know where I stand and what I am allowed within the D/s relationship. That's because we have talked about it already.
Yes, D/s is very dependent on talking...or writing but communication really is a big key to sustaining a long term relationship. While kitten writes this from a subs point of view, it is also relevant to Dominants as well. How can your sub fill your need if she is not aware of them? I keep a journal and in the past, my Dominant had access to it. Actually, though no longer my Dominant, he still has access to it and still checks it fairly regularly. My current potential Dom is not the type to spend hours reading my entries and so I would only email him brief segments of it as needed to facilitate a discussion. We talk, sometimes I feel like I babble...but he has never corrected me for saying too much. He learns who I am and I learn much about Him. We talk and talk, fill each other in about our daily lives, our current struggles and of course our current kink interest.
Some online subs seem to think that His word is not to be questioned and never say, “No”. Granted, it is best to not need to say No but in some instances it is in your own best interest to tell your Dom No but you should at least have a good reason to back it. Just not feeling like doing something you have been directed to do is not ok but not doing something due to extenuating circumstances is ok. Give Him the information he needs to help Him understand your reasoning for saying no. For instance, I got a text directive to do my “foot love”. That means to remember to put the healing ointment on my feet. I teasingly said No but then promptly followed that with a counter that I was about to go out and would do it by 7pm. Now, at 7pm, I did check in with him and let him know the foot love had been done. In this context, he did not expect me to drop everything I was doing to obey him…but he did want the task accomplished. Other things we have ran in to, were me having a triggering response and crying the first time he tied my hands above my head, I screamed No, No, No and he promptly took me down, cuddled me, got me settled and then discussed what had happened. Neither of us expected that breakdown. It happened and we dealt with it. If I had not said no, I would have gone into a really bad headspace and learned to equate him with a previous bad experience.
The last point kitten made in her article of General Advice was that we can expect to change. Things that frighten us at first can eventually turn into something that we desire. With each BDSM experience I learn and grow and change, somehow. The first time I had chain wrapped around me, I expected to just be bored and maybe a bit frightened of the confinement but I found I liked the coldness of it and the fact that I could not move and therefore had to release control to the person chaining me. Now, when feeling the cold embrace of chains, I just melt and go right to a very happy place that is comforting and reassuring and sometimes quite sexual. I have found that saying that I will never like to do something is just asking for failure. LOL, I never, on your life, expected to like canes but having had a number of really good cane scenes, I crave them. I feel that first touch and feel giddy with excitement because I know canes have the power to bring up those endorphins quickly and as far as pain goes, endorphins is my drug of choice.
So in summary, your Dominant does not hate you or seek to punish you just to be abusive, communication is key, you have a right to not do things that make you feel bad and this is a journey in which there is potential to learn and grow and change in, for years and years.