(no subject)
Today so far has been a waste, so I came here to write about how I've begun to fall back into being emotionally and existentially overwhelmed as well as the extent I am disgusted with the human race, but I instead ended up reading past conversations I've had online with strangers, friends and... people who were perhaps something other than friends. It was very therapeutic being... auto-empathetic with a distant me. There is so much I have either forgotten about or maybe have subconsciously disavowed.
I came across a long message from Aidan about being upset with me for being distant or cutting her off. I can not for the life of me remember having any reason towards her to do so. She was the best of friends until we just... stopped being friends. I had kept the start of a reply that really emphasized how emotionally immature I can still be. I really hope that I ended up sending something better, but from the fact we no longer talk, I doubt that I did.
Ian, my best friend then, who was a shit human being in real life, but in game was a role model of consideration, attitude, responsibility, and patience; one of my favorite people to play video games with.
There was also a ridiculous conversation that had me cracking up with tears I had with some young dumb kid I somehow ended up playing L4D2 with about his gf not talking to him and blaming everyone he could think of else but himself.
A long chat with Autumn, during the brief moment I loved her before we even were together, that really accentuated in retrospect how little she deserved me in the end. I need to someday go back and learn why I had felt the need to endure that relationship after it became futile and malignant. I think that it had to do with one prior with Christine, trying to rationalize things, or masochism after being in an earlier abusive relationship.
Things I should have done today and still could: homework, Netflix, take my cat outside, dishes, any of the 999 VR games I've bought, get my mail, go pee, be sad defragging ones harddrive is no longer a thing.