(no subject)
Hello journal. It's been awhile. I'm once again in a limbo state of life.
I have recently cut two important people out of my life, at least temporarily - Tyler and my mother. I cannot have a relationship with my mother at the moment because she is simply too addicted to pills and too stubborn to listen to my concerns about her well-being. She amounts it to me being a young, bitchy, and naive daughter with little life experience. It has become evident to me that I am not the right person to help her and I am certainly not the person she's going to listen to. If I try to help, she'll only take advantage of me and proverbially leave me high and dry. I cannot let her problems influence the course of my life anymore. I cannot change her, however, my absence might possibly influence change. I don't know. Regardless of the outcome, I must begin to focus on myself and repair my own life. I also believe that after watching her piss away $40K within a year, become addicted to methadone, steal money from me, and leave me homeless, I think I have far too much anger towards her that I'm going to have to work out on my own time before I can have a healthy and positive relationship with her again. My father and I have been speaking a lot about our past and I've come to realize that my mother is not the saint who I always believed her to be, so I cannot help feeling like she needs to be out of my life for some time.
As for Tyler, I have cut him out for far more petty reasons. I believed that Tyler was mature enough to not 'take sides' where my breakup with Max earlier this year is concerned, but I was gravely mistaken. I noticed Tyler becoming more cold towards me and calling me less. Every single time I walk or ride past his street, Max's car is parked there. I can only assume that Max is influencing Tyler in a negative way towards me... and it disappoints me. One reason I've heard is that they believe that I 'shit-talk' Max, which is ridiculous because I've done nothing more than express my frustration over my past relationship and Max's refusal to be on civil terms afterward. It's normal to talk about these things after a breakup and I assumed Max would be expressing his own hurt and frustration as well. Ironically enough, I've been catching wind of things Max has been saying about me, like how I have hideous feet or am a raging drunk. Again, I cannot change Tyler but I can only influence it. I know that by fading away, one of two things will happen: if Tyler cherishes my friendship, he will realize the error of his ways and come to miss me in my absense, or if he truly doesn't care, well then, good riddance.
So here I am... I live on my own here in Marin. What am I doing here? What is here for me? Most of my friends are leaving in a year or less. No longer do I have my mother. College of Marin is losing its accreditation and I hate how few classes are offered. I'm tired of the bus system in Marin but it's even more ridiculous to buy a car and pay for gas at this point. I cannot even meet potential love interests because most of the population in this county is under the age of 18 or over 35 years old. Anyone in-between seems to be undesirable or somehow acquainted with Max. I have been doing a tremendous amount of thinking and it has become evident to me that I must move to San Francisco in a year or less. At least there, I can find more jobs that pay better, I can attend CCSF and it's guaranteed I'll transfer to my dream college (SF State), it's no problem that I won't have a car there, I would meet more interesting individuals, and last but not least, I could easily access my father, siblings, and cousin by BART. With all of those reasons in front of me, it's clear that I'm only keeping myself down by staying here. I need to get away and it has been long overdue. Without a mom or controlling boyfriend keeping me here, now is the time.
Aside from that, life is good. I'm seeing Beirut in S.F. with Sarah and Conrad in May. I'll be in Santa Cruz for spring break to see Kyla. I'm interested in a boy who has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen and it just so happens that he'll conveniently be staying at my house this weekend. I'm starting to slowly take up drums and guitar. The weather is just beautiful and I'm thankful every single day that I'm alive, healthy, and well in spite of all the shit I have had to put up with for so long.
It's good to be back.
I have recently cut two important people out of my life, at least temporarily - Tyler and my mother. I cannot have a relationship with my mother at the moment because she is simply too addicted to pills and too stubborn to listen to my concerns about her well-being. She amounts it to me being a young, bitchy, and naive daughter with little life experience. It has become evident to me that I am not the right person to help her and I am certainly not the person she's going to listen to. If I try to help, she'll only take advantage of me and proverbially leave me high and dry. I cannot let her problems influence the course of my life anymore. I cannot change her, however, my absence might possibly influence change. I don't know. Regardless of the outcome, I must begin to focus on myself and repair my own life. I also believe that after watching her piss away $40K within a year, become addicted to methadone, steal money from me, and leave me homeless, I think I have far too much anger towards her that I'm going to have to work out on my own time before I can have a healthy and positive relationship with her again. My father and I have been speaking a lot about our past and I've come to realize that my mother is not the saint who I always believed her to be, so I cannot help feeling like she needs to be out of my life for some time.
As for Tyler, I have cut him out for far more petty reasons. I believed that Tyler was mature enough to not 'take sides' where my breakup with Max earlier this year is concerned, but I was gravely mistaken. I noticed Tyler becoming more cold towards me and calling me less. Every single time I walk or ride past his street, Max's car is parked there. I can only assume that Max is influencing Tyler in a negative way towards me... and it disappoints me. One reason I've heard is that they believe that I 'shit-talk' Max, which is ridiculous because I've done nothing more than express my frustration over my past relationship and Max's refusal to be on civil terms afterward. It's normal to talk about these things after a breakup and I assumed Max would be expressing his own hurt and frustration as well. Ironically enough, I've been catching wind of things Max has been saying about me, like how I have hideous feet or am a raging drunk. Again, I cannot change Tyler but I can only influence it. I know that by fading away, one of two things will happen: if Tyler cherishes my friendship, he will realize the error of his ways and come to miss me in my absense, or if he truly doesn't care, well then, good riddance.
So here I am... I live on my own here in Marin. What am I doing here? What is here for me? Most of my friends are leaving in a year or less. No longer do I have my mother. College of Marin is losing its accreditation and I hate how few classes are offered. I'm tired of the bus system in Marin but it's even more ridiculous to buy a car and pay for gas at this point. I cannot even meet potential love interests because most of the population in this county is under the age of 18 or over 35 years old. Anyone in-between seems to be undesirable or somehow acquainted with Max. I have been doing a tremendous amount of thinking and it has become evident to me that I must move to San Francisco in a year or less. At least there, I can find more jobs that pay better, I can attend CCSF and it's guaranteed I'll transfer to my dream college (SF State), it's no problem that I won't have a car there, I would meet more interesting individuals, and last but not least, I could easily access my father, siblings, and cousin by BART. With all of those reasons in front of me, it's clear that I'm only keeping myself down by staying here. I need to get away and it has been long overdue. Without a mom or controlling boyfriend keeping me here, now is the time.
Aside from that, life is good. I'm seeing Beirut in S.F. with Sarah and Conrad in May. I'll be in Santa Cruz for spring break to see Kyla. I'm interested in a boy who has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen and it just so happens that he'll conveniently be staying at my house this weekend. I'm starting to slowly take up drums and guitar. The weather is just beautiful and I'm thankful every single day that I'm alive, healthy, and well in spite of all the shit I have had to put up with for so long.
It's good to be back.