My aunt and uncle had to put their dog down the other day.
It absolutely broke my heart. They had two golden retreivers, Tucker (13) and Gilbert (10), and poor little Gilly suddenly started having seizures -- there was no time at all to plan anything, and no hope. It just came out of nowhere, and surprised us all because Gilly was really healthy up until then, and not very old. My Aunt Yeva's house is where we've usually spent Xmas and Thanksgiving, so I have a lot of memories of Gilly... He always had a toy in his mouth when he came to the door to greet people, and he used to let me fall asleep on him when my blood sugars got weird and I needed to nap... 2, 3 hours later I'd wake up and he'd still be exactly where he was when I fell asleep. He had just always seemed like such a puppy, so sweet and innocent, and I can't believe that he won't be here this Xmas. What's worse is that poor Tucker has apparently been spending his days looking for Gilly. They were always together, and now suddenly they're gone... It's so sad. Combined with the fact that this will be the first Xmas since our Papik died... Everything is just so sad now. Everyone is unhappy and I feel stupid and weak and helpless and LOST.
Here's the worst part: the major reason I'm so upset about Gilly dying is that it really rammed home the fact that we're almost certainly going to have to put our family dog Farley down before Xmas. I can't even explain how much that dog means to me. My parents got him when I was 9 years old, and he's been my best friend ever since. He used to wake me up for school by licking my face, then laying on my chest so I didn't go back to bed. The first time I went into Ketoacidosis, and had to go into the ICU it was Farley who figured out that the problem was in my stomach - he just kept licking it, long before I started throwing up. And when I had to miss 6th grade because I was so sick? When all of my sisters and brothers were at school, mom and dad were at work, and I was home alone with the nurse? Farley was the only friend I had. He kept me company, and I made it through the hardest time of my life, and now I'm going to lose him and the idea terrifies me.
He's 16 now. He can barely stand, his joints are so bad. He sleeps all day, and cries when he's awake because he's in pain. He can't control going to the bathroom anymore, so there's a lot of cleaning up after him in the house. My parents know they're going to have to put him down, but none of us can face it. He's just a dog, it shouldn't be this hard, right? I'm a married woman with a life of my own, friends, and a baby on the way. Hell, Nick and I have two dogs at our house. I'm not the same lonely, sick little girl that I was in 6th grade when Farley was so much of my world. And I know there are people out there losing so much more, and I feel selfish and horrible for making such a fuss. But the idea of losing that dog is absolutely destroying me.
I've been staying with my parents for the time being, to be with Farley. I know that's weird, but Nick's being really sweet about it. Gilly dying -- it was just another reminder that I'm going to have to face reality soon. Farley is suffering, but I just can't face the idea of committing to his death. I just can't. I wish to God that he could just go naturally, that there wasn't this idea of our responsibility to him in putting him to sleep. To me that seems like a betrayal, you know? Because those who are alive want to keep living, no matter what, that's how nature works, right? And he's trusting us to make it better, and we can't. God. I just... I just really hope that no matter what happens, he understands how much we love him, you know? I couldn't bear the thought of him thinking that we had him put down because he had become a burden, or God I don't even know.
He's just a stupid dog. I love him with all of my heart and soul and I wish we'd never gotten him. No, that's not true. He brought me so much happiness, but that was spread out, and this awful pain is all at once, and I never could deal with things like that.
I'm so sorry to dump this on my LJ, I really, REALLY needed to vent. I'm sitting up in my old bedroom right now, listening to him cry in my parents room, and I just needed to say or write something before I started losing it.
Again, I apologize, and if you took the time to read this, thank you for your patience and kindness. I know that everyone loses pets, right? And that it's childish to make such a fuss. But if you'd grown up sick like I had, and your dog was... I can't even explain. I can't put into words how much more than a dog Farley is to me.
This is my Farley:
He maybe 16, but he'll always be my puppy.
Sorry for being so depressing. It's the Holidays, and the hormones, and just... everything is crazy right now, you know? I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. After, Farley isn't gone yet, and I'm so blessed to have this time with him now.