a confession...and a hope.
i couldn't make it through the whole thing...i just couldn't. my heart is too full and the combination of "ain't no sunshine", "hand in hand", and "crazy beautiful" was too much. i didn't want to start bawling right there on the couch, so turned off the tv and came back in here to try and get some of it out. before the lump in my throat gets so big that i have to turn off the computer and all the lights and listen to "who's next" in the dark with my head under the covers. but people here don't know that that's what i used to listen to in college when i was wallowing and feeling angsty. maybe that's a good thing...maybe forcing myself to write and not wallow is an even better thing.
you know, i always wanted to be mysterious and melancholy. one of those people who drinks coffee and writes poetry and can quote equally melancholy writers, like sylvia plath or emily dickinson. "a fly buzzed when i died," and all that shit. but that's just not me. i'm like the polar opposite of melancholy, at least on the outside. anybody who's ever met me will tell you that. i'm the goofy, silly weirdo when i always wanted to be the sexy enigma. i guess at some point i came to the conclusion that it's ok to be the way i am, that i don't have to fight my nature, but it's taxing just the same. to feel like that's the only way people see you and to feel that you're powerless to change their minds. i know it's one of the things ben loves about me, and one of the things i love about him - our shared goofiness. but damn it, i get sad sometimes, too.
god, this is coming off completely wrong. i sound as though i want to be depressed and i swear, it's not that. it's just that i want to feel...i don't know...passion? i feel like my passions don't come out in me, in my work, in my singing, in my writing. reading other people's work and hearing their music has made me realize that i don't know how to do what they do. i don't know how to growl out a phrase and i don't know how to write with feeling. it reminds me of when i was taking piano lessons and my mom would say, "julie, play it with some feeling." back then, i didn't know what she meant. now, i'm painfully aware.
maybe i'm just not comfortable with me yet. i'm still "finding" myself, or some other bullshit. i just hope that it will come someday, this passion. i yearn for it...it will change my life.
ok, i feel better getting that off my chest. so now i just have to mention that ike is my new favorite rockstar. i will never skip by his solos to get straight to taylor again, and if i do, remind me of this post. growl...
you know, i always wanted to be mysterious and melancholy. one of those people who drinks coffee and writes poetry and can quote equally melancholy writers, like sylvia plath or emily dickinson. "a fly buzzed when i died," and all that shit. but that's just not me. i'm like the polar opposite of melancholy, at least on the outside. anybody who's ever met me will tell you that. i'm the goofy, silly weirdo when i always wanted to be the sexy enigma. i guess at some point i came to the conclusion that it's ok to be the way i am, that i don't have to fight my nature, but it's taxing just the same. to feel like that's the only way people see you and to feel that you're powerless to change their minds. i know it's one of the things ben loves about me, and one of the things i love about him - our shared goofiness. but damn it, i get sad sometimes, too.
god, this is coming off completely wrong. i sound as though i want to be depressed and i swear, it's not that. it's just that i want to feel...i don't know...passion? i feel like my passions don't come out in me, in my work, in my singing, in my writing. reading other people's work and hearing their music has made me realize that i don't know how to do what they do. i don't know how to growl out a phrase and i don't know how to write with feeling. it reminds me of when i was taking piano lessons and my mom would say, "julie, play it with some feeling." back then, i didn't know what she meant. now, i'm painfully aware.
maybe i'm just not comfortable with me yet. i'm still "finding" myself, or some other bullshit. i just hope that it will come someday, this passion. i yearn for it...it will change my life.
ok, i feel better getting that off my chest. so now i just have to mention that ike is my new favorite rockstar. i will never skip by his solos to get straight to taylor again, and if i do, remind me of this post. growl...