what is there to do
but just keep going?
I'm not smart enough to figure this out and I guess at the end of the day that's pretty much it.
I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I might as well just give up. All my life I've pretty much disappointed others and in turn was disappointed in them (or maybe it's the other way around sometimes, but the order doesn't matter in the end), so it just seems like the only thing in the world I can really count on is myself.
The one thing I actually still want is to give a good life to her. Relationships, reputation, wealth, career accolades, I just don't care about any of it as much anymore. What's the point? I'd already pretty much given up on some of that anyway with my choices and every day I realize (with an example right in front of me) that I'm fine in the end with my choices, that I don't need an MD PhD from Harvard to live all right. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be the top dog in the room or even wants to be a medium dog I guess. Sometimes I still doubt myself about whether I'm even doing the right thing - whether I shouldn't have taken on a lead position, or whether I should try to demote myself back into a plain old therapist who doesn't have to think about all this whatever. And then I remind myself that it's such very small beans in the end, like why do I even feel such an outsized sense of responsbility for what in the end is like, what, a factory shift manager? Let's be real here, highly paid or not, we're the minions and I'm just the middle management of the minions.
I guess it actually helps with the imposter syndrome that I don't actually care that much about my work reputation. Or that is, I feel like I care too much and that's something to work on, but also in reality I don't think I actually care that much...whether people like me or not is just something that all my life I've spent too much time thinking about but in the end also just don't do that much about to change, you know? I think internally I might struggle with people pleasing but at the end of the day I'm also selfish enough to not actually be a people pleaser, which I guess is kind of the problem. Or maybe that mismatch is the whole problem.
But for everything else? Whether I'm a shit wife or shit partner or shit at relationships, it's too late at this point. All I can say is that I know I've done my best and I'm still doing my best and if that just isn't enough, well that's that. I can work on being grateful for what I have and on looking at the bright side or the silver lining in whatever there is, but at the end of the day whether I'm grateful or not, it is what it is.
I guess it's like parenting. You just do the best you can and that's all you really can do. Every child is different and everyone has different struggles with parenthood, it's no different than life itself. You count your blessings and try your best not to compare.
And marriage? I don't know if I really made the right choices. I don't know if I was stupid all along. I've cried so many tears and written so many words and I guess this is what mundane life is about, not life and death or war and revenge or any of those grand themes in books or dramas, but just doubts and living life a week at a time, unhappily or otherwise.
I can see why people pour their love into their children. I just don't want to burden her with that, either.
I'm not smart enough to figure this out and I guess at the end of the day that's pretty much it.
I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I might as well just give up. All my life I've pretty much disappointed others and in turn was disappointed in them (or maybe it's the other way around sometimes, but the order doesn't matter in the end), so it just seems like the only thing in the world I can really count on is myself.
The one thing I actually still want is to give a good life to her. Relationships, reputation, wealth, career accolades, I just don't care about any of it as much anymore. What's the point? I'd already pretty much given up on some of that anyway with my choices and every day I realize (with an example right in front of me) that I'm fine in the end with my choices, that I don't need an MD PhD from Harvard to live all right. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be the top dog in the room or even wants to be a medium dog I guess. Sometimes I still doubt myself about whether I'm even doing the right thing - whether I shouldn't have taken on a lead position, or whether I should try to demote myself back into a plain old therapist who doesn't have to think about all this whatever. And then I remind myself that it's such very small beans in the end, like why do I even feel such an outsized sense of responsbility for what in the end is like, what, a factory shift manager? Let's be real here, highly paid or not, we're the minions and I'm just the middle management of the minions.
I guess it actually helps with the imposter syndrome that I don't actually care that much about my work reputation. Or that is, I feel like I care too much and that's something to work on, but also in reality I don't think I actually care that much...whether people like me or not is just something that all my life I've spent too much time thinking about but in the end also just don't do that much about to change, you know? I think internally I might struggle with people pleasing but at the end of the day I'm also selfish enough to not actually be a people pleaser, which I guess is kind of the problem. Or maybe that mismatch is the whole problem.
But for everything else? Whether I'm a shit wife or shit partner or shit at relationships, it's too late at this point. All I can say is that I know I've done my best and I'm still doing my best and if that just isn't enough, well that's that. I can work on being grateful for what I have and on looking at the bright side or the silver lining in whatever there is, but at the end of the day whether I'm grateful or not, it is what it is.
I guess it's like parenting. You just do the best you can and that's all you really can do. Every child is different and everyone has different struggles with parenthood, it's no different than life itself. You count your blessings and try your best not to compare.
And marriage? I don't know if I really made the right choices. I don't know if I was stupid all along. I've cried so many tears and written so many words and I guess this is what mundane life is about, not life and death or war and revenge or any of those grand themes in books or dramas, but just doubts and living life a week at a time, unhappily or otherwise.
I can see why people pour their love into their children. I just don't want to burden her with that, either.