(no subject)
I feel like I am thinking way too much and its making me down in the dumps. I just want this to pass, I am glad that what happened with me and Josh happened, but I don't know where to go from here. I am just alllllll discombobulated right now.. Im sure babysitting will take my mind off it a little, and then this whole week I plan on going back to the gym everyday and going back to my normal diet. I have been doing so freaking well, last thing I want is to get all depressed and confused over my feelings for Josh. Bottom line is he is just my friend SO I can not allow myself into situations where he is going to try to kiss/bang me. All that does is make it more apparent to me that I am insanely attracted to him.. And all that does is confuse me. I don't wanna be his girlfriend, I actually really wanna distance myself from having feelings for him cause I feel like it makes me more open to new relationships. I love hanging out with him, he really is my favorite person in the world right now.. I hate that this whole situation makes me wanna push him away as far as I can but I think its a matter of protecting myself. I just hate the feeling of wanting more with him because I know it is ALL just a mindfuck for me. The best thing I ever did for our friendship was when I laid down the law in my own head, and decided to never fuck him again. I am gonna stick with that, but now that we kissed and all that stuff I feel like I have broken down a little bit of the boundary that I have set up all of this time. I am just gonna wait out cause I know I won't see him much during the week, and MAYBE I'll see him next weekend. I just don't know. It is annoying me that he isn't answering my phone calls. I might just avoid seeing him but I am gonna take it day by day. I am trying to be rational but its hard cause the whole situation with Josh makes me feel like I am crazy. All of my feelings for him contradict my logic. What the fuck am I supposed to do here? It seems like I love my best friend, but I also just haven't been involved really with another man yet. I feel like everything will work itself out the way it is supposed to cause that's what ALWAYS happens.. I am just gonna continue to be healthy and make good decisions for myself. It was really nice to kiss Josh, but I like it way too much. I like being affectionate to him WAY too much. As a friend, I don't think I should be gazing into his eyes thinking about how beautiful he is. That is just not what a 'friend' does. It's at the point where I don't know if I should just avoid him for a month or something.. Or act like I am normal and just not ever hook up with him again- I just don't know. Even without hooking up it still hurts me that he would rather be with Kittie than me. And once again, logic contradicts feeling because I DO NOT want to be 'with' him. I just crave the ability to be that close with him. Ugh. I love myself and whenever I think about Josh all the time the mere thought of him not loving me seems to sometimes overshadow the fact that I love myself. I am just in crisis mode right now cause he JUST GOT BACK and I am already going nuts over him. Fuck my life right? Nah, I am alright. Time will pass. There has got to be a good lesson in here for me. I am gonna stick it out and stay strong, at this point in my life there is just no way I would react the same way I did last summer. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. Time will heal all wounds. LALALALALALLALALAlalalala ok bye.