Re: How the hell does a guy figure that out?starwatcher307June 14 2009, 15:56:53 UTC
. In an ongoing involvement with a woman, one thing I do is wait for the first "no" she says to something I clearly want, whatever it is. Doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. It just has to be clear that it's something I want and she says no. Then I thank her for it, and tell her that by saying "no" to something she knew I'd prefer she say "yes" to, she has now given me confidence to trust her "yes" more. And I really do at least partly mistrust every "yes" before that first no, which is unfortunate, but I think it's what we have to do in this world.
Wow; thank you for this. You've helped me put my finger on something I've been chewing over.
In short, old boyfriend moved away. The relationship had been a bit unequal, and neither of us were emotionally mature. (And it was 30 years ago, when feminism was a blip on my horizon.) I realize now that he frequently 'talked me into' some activities / behaviors by ignoring my 'no's; I went along because he was my boyfriend, and a girl should support her boyfriend, right? (Nothing extreme, but things like always spending time as he wanted, instead of as I wanted.)
A few months ago, he contacted me by email. He'd like to call me and talk, but couldn't get through. (I now use my land number only for reference and my cell number, of course, isn't in the book.) We discussed it via email. His issue was, he doesn't feel he can express himself adequately in writing. My issue is, I know I don't argue well verbally; I need time to think out my answer, and it's too easy to get distracted by answering 'this' point my opponent raised, and completely forget to bring up 'that' aspect which I feel is very important.
I mulled it over, then told him that, in email, he could take all the time he needed to be sure he was expressing exactly what he wanted to say, but that a phone conversation put way more pressure on me. I pointed out that we seemed to have competing needs, and one of us was going to be uncomfortable. I told him firmly that it was my call, and I would do what was most comfortable for me. I'd only communicate by email for now, though that might change later.
I haven't heard from him since, which... yeah. It's rather chilling that, the first time I say a truly definite 'no', and stick to it, he cuts off communication. I'm sure he thinks of himself as 'that guy'; he was always doing thoughtful little things for me - which drove me crazy, because I could do them myself, dammit! But, no, he's now proved that he really isn't 'that guy'.
In an ongoing involvement with a woman, one thing I do is wait for the first "no" she says to something I clearly want, whatever it is. Doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. It just has to be clear that it's something I want and she says no. Then I thank her for it, and tell her that by saying "no" to something she knew I'd prefer she say "yes" to, she has now given me confidence to trust her "yes" more. And I really do at least partly mistrust every "yes" before that first no, which is unfortunate, but I think it's what we have to do in this world.
Wow; thank you for this. You've helped me put my finger on something I've been chewing over.
In short, old boyfriend moved away. The relationship had been a bit unequal, and neither of us were emotionally mature. (And it was 30 years ago, when feminism was a blip on my horizon.) I realize now that he frequently 'talked me into' some activities / behaviors by ignoring my 'no's; I went along because he was my boyfriend, and a girl should support her boyfriend, right? (Nothing extreme, but things like always spending time as he wanted, instead of as I wanted.)
A few months ago, he contacted me by email. He'd like to call me and talk, but couldn't get through. (I now use my land number only for reference and my cell number, of course, isn't in the book.) We discussed it via email. His issue was, he doesn't feel he can express himself adequately in writing. My issue is, I know I don't argue well verbally; I need time to think out my answer, and it's too easy to get distracted by answering 'this' point my opponent raised, and completely forget to bring up 'that' aspect which I feel is very important.
I mulled it over, then told him that, in email, he could take all the time he needed to be sure he was expressing exactly what he wanted to say, but that a phone conversation put way more pressure on me. I pointed out that we seemed to have competing needs, and one of us was going to be uncomfortable. I told him firmly that it was my call, and I would do what was most comfortable for me. I'd only communicate by email for now, though that might change later.
I haven't heard from him since, which... yeah. It's rather chilling that, the first time I say a truly definite 'no', and stick to it, he cuts off communication. I'm sure he thinks of himself as 'that guy'; he was always doing thoughtful little things for me - which drove me crazy, because I could do them myself, dammit! But, no, he's now proved that he really isn't 'that guy'.
Thank you for showing me the difference.
.
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