On rape and men (Oh yes, I'm going there)

[cereta]

Yes, we've hit one of those times. Something has been building, and it has to come out.

Comments

[delle]

thank you.

I am *still* trying to explain to my husband of many many years that the world he lives in is not the world I live in. and while he is a good man, there are too many of his brethren out there that aren't.

he doesn't get it.

so thank you for saying this.

[cereta]

It was hard to say. I had a long talk with the spouse before saying it, and while he maintains (and I believe) that he would never have been the guy to rape a girl passed out on his bed, (a) he can name guys among his teenage friends about whom he's really not sure, and (b) he admits, he doesn't know if he would have been the guy to stop another guy. It was a hard thing to say, with his daughter hugging his leg, and I'm so proud that he gets just why I'm so angry and afraid, even as I hate that this is something rare enough to be proud of, if that makes sense.

[delle]

I wanted to follow up with a Good Guy story about my husband: we went out bar-hopping this past weekend. A girl walked by, wearing shortshortSHORT shorts and high heels - I expressed some concern at her attire and my husband - completely unprovoked - said "there's no such thing as 'asking for it'. she should be able to wear whatever she wants to wear."

After reading so many of the comments here and the stories, I just had to kiss and hug him. He's not perfect, but he's starting to 'get it'.

(and, as others have said, thank you for this safe and respectful discussion)

[brightlotusmoon]

My husband has that same attitude. Several times, he has stopped female friends from being raped (almost killed one guy, actually), and when he told me about those, he said, "I shouldn't have had to. The men shouldn't have been raping the women in the first place."

[julephenia]

As a senior in college, I was friends with roughly 12 guys and 1 girl - and my now fiancee, who did not go to school with us

[wee_squirrel]

Yeah - a guy getting completely furious and bent out of shape because girls feel vulnerable is not exactly the guy I want telling me how safe I should feel.

[vvalkyri]

It's a well meaning thing, if not necessarily helpful, and I think may well be a common reaction on first understanding that there's such a feeling of vulnerability. I saw it in the related post in my journal, when a good friend started grappling with Not Wanting His Daughters To Live In Fear.

[dr_zrfq]

Just because I, personally, don't see those sorts of situations come up very often... doesn't mean they don't exist. And, like your husband, there are guys I knew in high school and college (more so in college) that I'm not sure about, and some who I'm rather certain *would* have exploited an unconscious girl. (FWIW, I did try to stop another guy once at a party. I think it worked. Can't be totally sure.) Still, the fact that these situations *may* exist is something to work on... to lower the frequency of them, hopefully to zero.

Why don't the "good" stories get told? You put your finger on one part of it: some of us, men and women alike, don't think they *are* stories. At least not until faced with a bad story, and not even then. (I also think that part of it is the old saw that Good News Ain't News Unless It's BIG News.)

Found this post thanks to grayhawkfh (originally). I've posted a follow-on in my own LJ (locked for other reasons), and sue_n_julia posted a follow-on to mine. I just wanted to say thanks for pointing this out, and starting the ball

[havocthecat]

I am *still* trying to explain to my husband of many many years that the world he lives in is not the world I live in. and while he is a good man, there are too many of his brethren out there that aren't.

he doesn't get it.

Thank you. Neither does my husband, and sometimes I feel like the only person out there that goes through that explanation that men will likely never understand.

[cos]

Would showing him this help?
http://khalinche.livejournal.com/345558.html